Hey Allison.....try not to beat yourself up! This definitely happens...well it has for me. Going no contact isn't always easy. They leave you with so many questions and such a void. It really does end up feeling like your addicted to the abuse. But at the end of the day....all the mind games that they have played with us are working.

When i slip up on NC i usually go through a painful reminder process as he takes another opportunity to idealize devalue and discard me.

What helps sometimes to get back on track is to re-read some of the supportive material. Remind yourself about the hoovering process, what they like to do and how they do it - manipulation tactics. Try to remind yourself that you fell in love with the FANTASY NOT THE REALITY.

Also take some time to look into cognitive dissonance. The only reason we reach out to them again is because we are split between two worlds.....one that says "he's a horrible monster" and the other that says "he's just a human being and deserves my forgiveness and love".

Something a friend once told me to remember so i didn't blame myself too harshly for falling off the wagon was...."You will do it until you won't do it anymore and thats just being human". It took a long time...and i fell back into it so often. It's still a journey....but other members can tell you its do-able if you stick with it and its the ONLY thing that will save you from the pain and heartache.

Be patient with yourself, kind to yourself and get yourself back on track with remembering who and WHAT you are dealing with.

They don't change - They don't care - They don't empathize - They don't accept responsibility - And they will say and do ANYTHING to re-engage their victims to see how else they can USE us.

Good Luck!

Just get back on the wagon Allison. Who cares what he thinks?! This life is your life and the only opinion that matters is your own. Keep on coming here. Keep on reading all material you can find. Break the addition. So when will you want to stop contacting him? When you fully accept who and what he is. Many people (including myself) claim that they understand too early. While the logical understanding is there, the acceptance is not leaving you vulnerable to break the NC. I PROMISE that eventually with enough distance and enough education you will accept it one day. And when it happens, the desire to contact his will not only be gone but you will be actively avoiding any information about him because the thought of him will turn your stomach. And when the happens you will not give a rats ass about his feelings, opinions, or anything having to do with his life as long as he stays out of yours. It is a sudden change but you have to go through the steps of grieving to get there, no shortcuts on this one. Just work your steps and love yourself through them, mistakes and all.

thank you ProtectYourself and LiveInTruth. I let the conversation go on way too long and kept asking myself why this was. He apologized for some things (probably can't trust that), and then I started noticing the love bombing again. Red Flags galore.

Time to start over again, Day 1 NC. I wish I hadn't fueled the fire, though.

...and now the chauvinistic comments and mention of all the other women. It's so transparent. I don't know how the thinks he'll weasel his way back in again.

I do think cognitive dissonance is in play here like you mentioned ProtectYourself. I know he's terrible, but I don't want to believe someone could be so evil and hurtful. I used to be someone who only saw the goodness in others.

You may not "want" to believe it, but for all that's good in you, you HAVE TO believe it.

You used to be naive. Now you're not. That's not necessarily a "bad" thing!

Yeah, you took a huge (and dangerous to your well being) step back in reconnecting with your user/abuser, but it's all a "live and learn" process with us, and no one can learn without a few missteps along the way. You're back to NC now, hopefully determined that your self care, growth, and future happiness is much more important than wasting your time on this creature who's hurt you so.

GL!

I hate to admit this, but the NC didn't start until today. There was an altercation this morning and he finally admitted who he was after trying to manipulate everything in his favor. He actually thought I was going to forgive him for raping me, then told me he still thinks about me sexually. It ended with me calling him revolting then blocking him. Before that happened it was like a final show- like a man in a one-act play showing so many sides in such a short amount of time. I've never seen him change that quickly. It was pretty scary. I've only read about this before. Now I've witnessed it.

I'm shaken and angry at myself but it's over now. He even tried to tell me before I blocked him that *I* labeled and discarded HIM-- he actually used those words- can you believe it???

NC now. I think I know what you mean LiveInTruth about finally being nauseated by them. There is no desire on my part to have any form of open communication anymore.

I'm upset that I'm back there again...but I guess the FINAL SHOWDOWN had to happen for me to really accept him for who he is.

sorry to lean so heavily on all of you- I need some support right now. I'm so shaken and angry and nauseated right now.

It's all good, Allison485! You saw, first hand, what goes down when the hydra of the psychotic is confronted.

I picture "hydras" and "Medusa" often when thinking of the loverly psychopaths i've been fortunate enough to survive thus far in this realm.

Also 'disco balls". Many faceted things, none of which you want attached to your being. Makes it easier for me to explain to me... if that makes sense!

But~ Props & kudos for facing the multi-faceted monster rapist "person". :) Pleeeeezzzz do everything you can to keep yourself safe. These folk don't give up, and if a rapist still wants to rape you again, well, that's something to take a bit seriously, i think.

Rape sucks.

Making love with a whole human being who isn't living in the lalaland of self and jungle law and psycopathy is just SO much better. Worth surviving and waiting for.

Since you kinda fibbed...no more "1 step back" fer U! :)

Really...TC & stay safe!