Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
The Psychopath is at it again and I just appreciate this group so much because I have a place to let it all out.
So we have been NC for about 3 weeks now when I get a call. At first the conversation goes fine. Just some general updates. I apply the grey rock method. Keep it very simple not personal and boring. But towards the end i let it slip that I haven't been coping very well and have been drinking a lot more than usual.
Today I wake up to a fight that has him saying that he's tired of "discovering" my "secrets". I'm guessing he went digging around Facebook and other social media places and saw pictures of me enjoying time with my friends.
He used it against me to suggest he 'doesn't like the person i have become' and tells me to 'enjoy my life' and he will never 'discover' these things about me again.
I think what is most frustrating is that I showed an ounce of weakness and shared a simple thing (that i was struggling and going out a lot) and he made it into some kind of huge betrayal of him. We aren't together. He lives with the woman he cheated on me with. He has taken hundreds of trips over the last year and gone to all kinds of parties and events. He has another victim on board not just this other woman. But because i got out with my friends I am the bad person...the liar...the one with the secrets.
Its very upsetting to see someone have such huge double standards and behave so horribly....and to know I myself haven't done anything wrong.....but he feels the need to 'punish' me for it anyway. He's just so unbelievably selfish and deranged.
Has anyone else experienced this - where there S/N/P/ completely ignores their own behaviours but when it comes to yours.....they act like the victim and make you feel bad about what you have "done" and then produce ANOTHER discard.
I just can't wrap my head around it sometimes the way they tell us THEY can't be in OUR lives because of who WE ARE!
I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes because it just makes NO SENSE and i know its not supposed to and it never will but it still has the ability to make me feel frozen and stuck.
I guess I'm just looking for some support to help me get over this very quickly so it does not affect my day to day. And I needed to vent. :(
So we have been NC for about 3 weeks now when I get a call. At first the conversation goes fine. Just some general updates. I apply the grey rock method. Keep it very simple not personal and boring. But towards the end i let it slip that I haven't been coping very well and have been drinking a lot more than usual.
Today I wake up to a fight that has him saying that he's tired of "discovering" my "secrets". I'm guessing he went digging around Facebook and other social media places and saw pictures of me enjoying time with my friends.
He used it against me to suggest he 'doesn't like the person i have become' and tells me to 'enjoy my life' and he will never 'discover' these things about me again.
I think what is most frustrating is that I showed an ounce of weakness and shared a simple thing (that i was struggling and going out a lot) and he made it into some kind of huge betrayal of him. We aren't together. He lives with the woman he cheated on me with. He has taken hundreds of trips over the last year and gone to all kinds of parties and events. He has another victim on board not just this other woman. But because i got out with my friends I am the bad person...the liar...the one with the secrets.
Its very upsetting to see someone have such huge double standards and behave so horribly....and to know I myself haven't done anything wrong.....but he feels the need to 'punish' me for it anyway. He's just so unbelievably selfish and deranged.
Has anyone else experienced this - where there S/N/P/ completely ignores their own behaviours but when it comes to yours.....they act like the victim and make you feel bad about what you have "done" and then produce ANOTHER discard.
I just can't wrap my head around it sometimes the way they tell us THEY can't be in OUR lives because of who WE ARE!
I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes because it just makes NO SENSE and i know its not supposed to and it never will but it still has the ability to make me feel frozen and stuck.
I guess I'm just looking for some support to help me get over this very quickly so it does not affect my day to day. And I needed to vent. :(
I agree with LiveinTruth, unless there is an absolute reason you need to be in touch with him, don't answer the phone.
It took me a long time before I could do the NC thing but once I did it was like instant relief. Even though seeing their name light up on your phone when it rings can set the heart racing for all the wrong reasons, not answering it will make you feel stronger.
When I wouldn't answer my phone he would keep calling, non stop, filling my messagebank up until it wouldn't take anymore or until I deleted some. That period of time was a nightmare, it really did my head in.
Feel free to read my story on my website: sayno2dv.com
Small things stop me from changing my own number....im not sure why. did it take a lot of time or courage for you to change your number or email etc?
Trust me you are lucky he found a new victim. Double standards are par for the course with these total jerks, they will expect perfection from you and still you will be wrong (control control control ...you don't control someone if they feel good about themselves hence they will always find fault with you). Meanwhile the P will live with no rules and its in your face!
I have a child by my ex, when i chose to leave after the abuse became intolerable he accused me of cheating on him with three different men. My ex rang a prostitute on father's day, joined sex dating sites and has a reputation for cheating on all his partners. He STILL ran my reputation down, i was always the one in the wrong.
You can never get through to these people, their heads are screwed up beyond repair. There is no logic, just cut contact and run! They love vulnerability and pain, they feed off it - they are sadists. God or whoever you consider that to be has given your life back to you, life with a P is a prison sentence.
Yes, the double standards you speak of are basically just projections. They are the bad ones but they make you look bad. They are the ones in the wrong but they project that onto you and suddenly you are in the wrong. They may be alcoholic but they will accuse you of being one after one drink. They are chronic cheaters but even a look or conversations with another man will send them on a tirade of how you are cheating on them. They are pathological liars but they will constantly accuse you of lying to them. This is their self defense mechanism...take the focus off what a-holes they are and put it onto you. Classic P/N/S behaviour.
And yes, total NC is the answer. I did the same as you...refused to change my number. I was bombarded with daily phone calls and text messages for 3 months straight. My phone would ring constantly. I eventually put it on silent so I didn't have to hear it but when I would look at it I would see 50 calls in one day from him. Th worst was 79 calls. Constant hoovering texts etc. I was strong and managed to stay strong and not answer. But the first few weeks were hell...very difficult. Hard not to be sucked in by the things he said. Hard not to feel guilty for "disappearing" on him, ignoring him etc. Of course this was SO horrible of me to do this to him...I was a "terrible person"...how could I make him suffer so much when he loved and missed me? Blah! It's all crap. But it takes a lot of strength to ignore all that and the best thing to really do is change your number, and block every avenue of communication possible. My main reason for not changing my number was stubbornness. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction...somehow I felt like refusing to change my number and just ignoring him instead was giving me a sense of power. But looking back I realize how silly that was. I would have given myself peace of mind by changing my number...which is much more important than trying to prove a futile point. Do yourself the favour of giving yourself that peace of mind that you deserve. Then you can never be caught off guard and made into the bad guy...because he will have no way to mess with your mind again...and that's really what he enjoys doing.
I too got sucked into the new phone number he was calling from.
I never changed my phone number. I had a lot of people saying 'why don't you just change your number' and I thought 'Why should I'. Why should I change a number I have had for so so long and then have to change it with all the things it was attached to etc. But I can understand as eternity75 said, it would have brought a lot of peace, except for me, I think not being able to call me, he would have turned up at the door a lot more often.
The phone calls were the hardest part for me, I made it harder on myself because what I did was, when he filled my phone up with voice messages, I replayed them and recorded them to a flash drive to keep, which I was able to give to the police when I finally got them involved and they were able to listen to his abuse and threats.
That was the best thing I did, to keep as many voice messages as possible and I bought a large yearly diary and made notes of anything that had to do with him each day, whether it were the phone calls, coming to the house, gifts he would leave, all the days and times of going to police stations and courts, professional appointments, everything.
ALCOHOL/PARTYING: Mine was unable to sit or stand up 3 x at gatherings bcz he was too WASTED. I have NEVER gotten that way, but he decided to start pretending to be "concerned" that I "might be headed towards a drinking problem" bcz I enjoy a glass of red wine with dinner sometimes, but he doesn't. He was so drunk on our wedding night that he puked the entire next day.
FREEDOM: He went off every weekend to 'church" an hour and a half away, coming home reeking of perfume the last few times. When I questioned him he said, disgustedly, "Some old lady hugged me after church. I am really mad that she wore so much perfume." (Huh? "She hugged your hair and your neck and your hands...???" <--- of course he just glared at me for having the audacity to take note of this). He would take off for weekend trips "with the guys" or "alone". But I went on one two day outing with my daughter, and for that, he broke my leg and D & D'd me.
MONEY: His is his, and mine is also his. His is never mine.
LIES: He gets to lie to me constantly bcz "lying is normal in relationships". But I had to account for my whereabouts and activities every second of every day....and if I couldn't prove it, I was "obviously lying".
SCHEDULES: His schedule == OUR schedule. If he was tired, I had to go to sleep too. If he was waking up, I had to wake up too. If he wanted to watch TV (he is a TV addict), I had to stop whatever I was doing and sit on the couch next to him.
SEX: If he wanted it, I HAD to as well, even if he was giving me the silent treatment for one of his (many) perceived "disobediences". 17 times in the last 41 days before the broken leg was not enough for him.
UGH!!!! I should have run so much sooner than I did!!!
I thought I was reading my own story when I read your parts about the 'freedom, money, lies, schedules, sex'. The only thing my 'P' wasn't into was the alcohol.
You can read my story on my website: www sayno2dv.com