Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
I have been away from the sociopath for over three and a half years now and I sometimes still feel the urge to smash her face in.At first when she was discarding me and making out I was the crazy one by writing lies about me all over the internet to gain herself sympathy and attention ect.I was just pure confused she really did have me doubting myself was I this evil person without realising, was my family scum,was I a thief,a liar everything she blamed me of which I now know is her down to a tee.It wasn't till I was away from her I'd say a good couple of months that the veil as they call it was truly lifted It just hit me I wasn't any of these I had been kind nice natured but also very stupid and naive I all of a sudden felt this burning hatred and anger something I have never felt before,I realised she had stolen just about everything I had,almost turned me against everyone i was close to including my family made me out to everyone in society I was nothing and have everyone hating me.Even though it was few years ago now I sometimes get memories and I'm back there all over again I feel intense anger and hate I really dont know what I'd do if she was standing infront of me.This is the person I have became people tell me to forget and move on but they don't understand. I am left angry and sometimes anxious and paranoid that it might happen all over again. I'm not alot like the person I was before which I suppose in way is good as I am not as trusting and very very wary of people.I just want to know does the angry ever really leave you or are you stuck with it because of these monsters.
I was reading the above site yesterday, and it contains some good ideas about moving on and healing from narcissistic abuse. This author offers the perspective that the path of healing is about resolving your own issues in relation to thee narcissist, for example, creating strong boundaries.This material might be especially helpful to you, Reece, if you feel you are not healing after a long time.
I disagree with her perspective a bit as she talks about vicitms getting stuck by going over their stories again and again. I actually think this is a healing path. I was married to a psychopath for 30 years and left 13 years ago. I wrote a book about my life with him, and I re-wrote it 8 times. This took 3 years. It was absolutely the path to my healing from that one. I WAS healed. I felt no anger, no obsessing, no attachment to the past. My focus was on creating a good life in the present. Another thing I did though was practice letting go and forgiving every time grief came to me. I didn't push it away. I welcomed it, experienced it, cried and repeated that I wished to let it go. It came to me like a ghost--over the years, less and less, until it came to me no more.
I suspect one's path out of pain is not either/or. Don't think about what happened or do think about what happened. It is a combination of approaches and trying to keep your heart soft and supple, in the process.
The above is an episode of Dr. Phil. It is about an online predator who romanced at least 26 women at one time. Three of them are on the show. At the very end, Dr. Phil tells the women that, at the end of every failed relatiosnhip, it is necessary to do one thing, and that is to do an autopsy of the relationship. I kind of agree with that.
I also agree with Melanie Evans that one must work on his/her own healing, as well.
"holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
you are still giving her your power and she doesnt deserve that from you. learn about letting go...i posted the stages we go thru with these relationships if we work on the destruction they have caused us. some have seen it before , sorry but it really is so true. you need to find your acceptance in what has happened. it will come, the best revenge and what they hate the most is knowing you have gone on with your life and could care less about them. that makes them crazy. try to figure out which part is so hard to let go of and why and then work on that. it will happen when your ready for it to.
This article is from this website forum: http://psychopathfree.com/showthrea...
The traditional 5 stages of grief are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
You will undoubtedly feel all of those at some point while recovering from the psychopathic relationship. But losing a psychopath is not like losing a friend/family member; it’s not like losing a regular, loving partner. Here are the modified stages of grief from a psychopathic relationship:
TOTAL DEVASTATION All-consuming devastation. Absolute shock and disbelief. Feelings of total emptiness, thoughts of suicide and extreme difficulty performing trivial tasks. Your hormones are going cold-turkey from a chemical addiction. You will feel ugly and drained — your body will physically deteriorate (before/after pictures of D&D victims are horrifying). Your sex drive will oscillate between desire for him and the misery of thinking about what you no longer have. Psychologically, you are extremely raw and vulnerable from the D&D, but at this point you aren’t even aware what a D&D is — you are just a victim of it, and therefore feel it instead of understand it (like you do now). You genuinely believe you deserve this. That you are worthless. You are nobody without him. You are jealous, crazy, needy, clingy, everything is your fault.
DENIAL Typically begins when the psychopath starts waving his “happy” life in your face. You see him running off with OW, or telling the world how flawless his life is (commonly done through social media). You aren’t even angry about the OW, because you likely have no idea how long the infidelity was going on. You just feel the need to prove that you are fine and dandy like the psychopath, because then maybe he’ll want you back. You change jobs, friends, lash out at everyone and everything except the psychopath. You go out drinking, partying, having mindless sex, in huge efforts to convince yourself and him that you are fine. You will become very impulsive, blowing money and harboring delusional thoughts of returning to your idealizer. You may try to replicate the exact dynamic you had with the psychopath with another man, only to get very frustrated that your sex life isn’t as good or that he doesn’t love-bomb you with attention.
EDUCATION & SELF DOUBT Somehow, you come across psychopathy (or narcissism, sociopathy, etc). Whether it be through an internet search or atherapist, you know deep down that something within you is deeply broken. Even though you want to prove you’re happy, you also want to figure out what the hell just happened. When you read all of the red flags of psychopathy, you will experience extreme self-doubt. You will continue to blame yourself and wonder if you’re just labeling him a psychopath because you can’t handle the “truth” (his truth) of how you ruined the relationship. You oscillate back and forth between your idealizer and devaluer. How could someone who claimed to be so amazed by you also hate your guts? How could he go from obsession to contempt in the blink of an eye? It isn’t possible. There’s no way you dated a psychopath. He loved you. Right?
UNDERSTANDING THE PSYCHOPATH This stage doesn’t exist in any way with the normal stages, but it’s one of the most important in your recovery process. Education can only take you so far. You need to feel what they feel. Most victims live by compassion and love, so it is nearly impossible to empathize with a psychopath. In fact, this is why they’re able to get away with so much. Because normal human beings automatically project their conscience onto everyone else. But sooner or later, you will be so consumed by psychopathy that you finally understand how their minds work. You can actually put all of his behavior into the perspective of a psychopath and suddenly everything clicks. It all makes sense, when it never did before. From the mirroring to the love-bombing to the delayed criticism to the eventual D&D. You feel disgusted. You realize you were never loved; just another target a never-ending cycle. You realize you’ve never behaved like this in any other relationship. You can look back at all of the things that made you feel paranoid, and see that they were all calculated and intentional. You come to the horrifying realization that the person you trusted was actively working against you.
RAGE Once you understand the psychopath, you’re absolutely disgusted. Your self-doubt is being replaced by anger. You know the truth. You see how you were used, manipulated, and brainwashed. You’re beyond angry. You want to murder him. You want to contact everyone in his life and tell them what he did. You want to write him a letter and tell him to burn in hell (don’t, by the way. NCEA). You obsessively talk about it with your friends and family, you need to get your story out there. You’ve been shut up and minimized for so long, your voice is finally free. You begin to feel all of the things you weren’t allowed to feel in the relationship. Whenever you accused him of cheating or lying, he would turn it around and blame it on you so you felt bad instead of mad. This cognitive dissonance has caused a huge displacement of anger. You feel delayed emotions of jealousy as you realize how long the cheating was going on, as you realize he was telling her you were abusive in order to gain her sympathy. The smear campaign makes you feel the need to prove yourself. This delayed rage is totally expected after a psychopathic relationship. It can take months, even years to feel. Please, if possible, do not act on it. You will only prove the psychopath’s point. The greatest thing you can do is remain calm and composed. It will drive him insane. He wants you to feel rage so he can show everyone how crazy you are and how much you still love him.
DEPRESSION You will go back and forth between depression and rage for a very long time. You will have good days and bad. One day, you will think you can move on — the next, you wake up angry and screaming. You don’t want to be mad. You don’t deserve to be mad. All you did was fall in love. You isolate yourself, you surround yourself with people who understand you on discussion forums. You have obsessive, racing thoughts. The tiniest things set you off. Your boundaries are returning (or perhaps being formed for the very first time) and you can’t believe you let yourself sink so low. You realize how much you lost. Not just friends, money, life experience, etc, but also your innocence. Your kind understanding of the world has been shattered. Instead of giving people the benefit of the doubt, you suddenly have trouble trusting. You will experience constant feeling of dread and tightness in your heart.
HEALING You start asking questions. Why did this happen? What are my vulnerabilities? Of course these vulnerabilities aren’t your fault, but it is important to understand how you were able to be exploited. You’re spending time with others who have gone through something similar, so you have hope and little bursts of joy. You have validation beyond belief, often triggering you back to rage & depression, but these feelings are healthy. You are finally feeling what you were supposed to feel during the entire relationship. Everything falls into place and you can calmly & coherently describe what you went through and what happened. Instead of feeling the D&D, you can talk about it like a scientific term. You’ve made new friends, and you’re starting to realize that you’ve almost made it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s taking a while to get there.
SELF DISCOVERY You begin to discover your strengths. Many of these were strengths you always possessed but never valued. You realize your compassion, empathy, and love are not weaknesses. They are the most incredible gifts in the world, when applied to the right people. Your self-respect comes from within, not other people validating your insecurities. You start to understand who you are and who you’re truly meant to be. It took the psychopath’s nastiness to make you see exactly who you never want to be. You laugh at his old notions that “you were the same person”, because you realize you are exactly the opposite. You begin to explore your creative side, and you stop caring what others think of you. Old friendships may change as you change and become more confident. Embrace the new you, and open your heart to love again. You are free now. You should be so, incredibly proud of yourself. You made it, and your life path has forever changed for the better
If someone messes up your entire life, even if it's only for a portion of it, I say be angry. Be really angry. I'm angry about the way my father undermined me and did everything he could to weaken me. I need to remember that, and use it as fuel to motivate me to prove how wrong that was....by making myself stronger and better than he was.
We keep hearing that anger is toxic. I don't believe that, show me the proof. I don't take anyone's word for things anymore...no matter how many degrees they have or how many articles or books they've written. I believe in evidence and my experience of life.
It is great to read abouth the stages we all go through, because it helps me feel normal. Just a little thing in the end. New sience show that people do not not only go through stages, but some times go in and out of feelings like sadness, rage, loneliness and the feeling of great loss.
I am kind of smiling reading about you (RichieD) not taking anyone`s word anymore. It is like my heart is saying YES. You are trusting yourself. That is great!
Some of the things you have written about the last stages, I will show to my psycologist. It makes it very clear and not so difficult to understand. My psycologist dont know so much about the after-math but he is a humble gay and very willing to learn and listen.
I have given him and the ward he works in a book in my own language. Your words will add to this. Thank you.
I don't hate my father. I took good care of him when he was old and helpless. But at the same time, I knew him well enough not to trust him...he could be very conniving at times. So at least for me, anger about what he did to me when I was a child did not lead into hatred. It can be very confusing at times...you remember the bad things they did and you are filled with anger. But then the love a child feels for a parent can still survive. People aren't just good or bad, life isn't that easy to understand.
Adolf Hitler was a horrible monster, yet he was very compassionate with children and dogs. Life is complicated, not like a movie or a graphic novel. George Washington is an American hero without equal, yet he ordered the slaughter of entire villages including all the women and children. I've seen pictures of the orders with his signature on them.
I also have technically been out of my marriage for 3 1/2 years, but it has been 6 years since I filed for divorce, but only 2 1/2 years since I really have felt more free of him. With these sorts, transitions are not clear, so years after what line drawn?
I know someone else victimized similarly in whom I think the anger still resides after roughly 15 years. I think that is reasonable as a reaction to the kind of devastation that hits us as victims of Ns and Ps, but makes living with what happened and moving on harder.
For me, I was emotionally dead to him and mentally divorced far earlier, maybe about 10 years ago. I found out what he was and went through all the anger and then really spent that and just ended at pity for the pitiable creature he is. So the anger was spent and it is no longer contained within me. The opposite of loving is not hate or anger, but is just not caring any more. I am indifferent.
Having said that, I co-parent and so have not been able to go no contact and fully move on. I still get flashes of anger, sometimes extreme, in response to new things he does to me and the kids. But this anger passes and does not live within me on an ongoing basis.
I think this is a healthier state for the aftermath of being their victim, and to survive, and recover well. I would suggest trying to work out the anger. Look into Somatic Experiencing (SE) therapy, which can either be bodywork or psychotherapy to complete the actions held in your body as anger, which also hold the memories in a state of suspense. Or just find a way to work out the anger that you know works for you. For me, I wanted to throw things and hit, so I hit balls, like in tennis or racquetball. That seems to work.
I like to say my ex pissed off the wrong woman, and I plan to use my righteous anger in good, productive ways to help others in the future.
However, during my long marriage to my uN/P exH, he used that righteous anger in me to get a rise out of me to directions that I thought were aligned between us. I would use that sense of anger and outrage to try harder, work harder, for him. So, that righteous anger and determination was used to further enslave me in the situation, and ultimately further damage me physically and psychologically.
So, just be sure your righteous anger is being funneled in directions you know are for you, for your benefit, or for the benefit of those around you, or for helping others -- whatever you think is important. But do not use that anger to enrich or enhance the situation for the P.
But I have not felt the anger. That is really unusual because I have a temper and am the type to anger easily. Perhaps I am still in the denial stage. At this point, I feel grateful that I got out before she did more damage, but some days I am consumed with sadness and missing the love I thought I had.