Victims of Psychopaths Community Group

Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.

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freelauren 01/30/2015

Hello. I'm new to this group. I dated, very seriously, a sociopath for 3-3.5 years, with an extremely abusive nature. It took me forever to get out of that situation and I needed help to do so. This was three years ago, and I have been in therapy and thought I worked through it, but it affects every relationship I've had since then to the point where I am petrified of anything serious and *think* I may have a self-fulfilling prophecy of ruining these relationships post-haste out of fear. Recently, I found out the man I've been seeing now is an ex-addict and I freaked out. While my new guy is wonderful, it hit home and I think possibly I'm making another mistake. Maybe all of my relationship choices are mistakes. To top it off, I recently saw my ex on eHarmony (I really wish they did background checks) and became instantly petrified. He had contacted me about a year ago in a rue to get me to speak with him. I didn't bite, but assumed him and the girl he cheated on me with were done or on the way out. For whatever reason, it stirred up some pretty serious dark clouds that he was somehow back in my life (mind). Can one possibly have PTSD from being with an abusive sociopath?

kris7167 01/30/2015

Lauren, One not only can have PTSD from being with a sociopath, I would venture to say that one almost always has. I have been through PTSD before, following a relationship with a socio/psychopath and I am going through it again. I don't necessarily view your alarm at learning your new guy is a former addict attributable to PTSD. It's a heads-up to pay close attention for other signs of disordered and/or addictive behavior. That's a good thing, not a bad thing.

One of the pitfalls of having PTSD is that it is hard for us to discern which of our feelings and reactions are coming from a healthy place and which from the PTSD. Having other people reflect back to your their opinions, in each case of confusion, can be helpful.

In my experience, PTSD does not get suddenly healed. It just becomes milder over the years. Probably, you are relatively healthier than you were 3 years ago. If you are so unsure of yourself that you think maybe all of your relationship choices are mistakes, maybe some brush-up therapy is in order.

The fact signs of your ex still make you jump are indicative of PTSD, too.

lovechild2011 01/30/2015

Agreed 100%. Yes PTSD is almost a guarantee. How can one not? You can overcome it however with good therapy and learning etc. If only we knew all these things....so sad.

AgentSmith 01/30/2015

It's very common to get PTSD after involvement with a psychopath. I got PTSD while being stalked by my first psychopath. It's also very common (actually THE #1 reason) for people to get PTSD from abuse. And it definitely affects relationships. Because of my past with psychopaths, I'm extremely hypervigilant in relationships and want to run at the first sign of trouble.

freelauren 01/30/2015

Thanks, all. I thought I was going mad and freaking myself out. I'm going to talk to my counselor about this immediately. My ex was abusive (both physically, emotionally, and sexually), possessive and isolating, and stalked me for months after I finally got him out of my house. It took me a long time to just go outside without pepper spray. AgentSmith, thanks for saying you are extremely hypervigilant and want to run at the first sign of trouble. That seems to be the case with me, too. Really rough thoughts. . . . My mom and a friend are very pushy about me breaking it off with the guy who is an ex-user and while I value their opinion, it's making me feel really stupid and insecure about my own thoughts and feelings. So, for Kris7167 to say it's hard to discern which reaction is coming from a healthy place and which is coming from PTSD is really eye-opening.

stronger01 01/30/2015

Absolutely! Possible and common. Not sure I consider what I experience PTSD but I definitely would have anxiety (heart pounding, hands shaking) if I saw a vehicle that looked like his near my house. He lives near me and has a common vehicle so so this happened often. I also helped him buy that vehicle so that added to the pain. I would hear songs that he liked and have flashbacks. I was somewhere and someone had the same ringtone as he did on their phone and the phone was such a source of drama for us that just hearing that ringtone gave me minor anxiety. I'd also scan common local establishments before entering to make sure he wasn't there.

lovechild2011 01/30/2015

I applaud all of you. I want to date but my esteem is shot! I have no energy for it. I'm way too scared. At least you are trying!

stronger01 01/30/2015

Don't rush it - take care of yourself first. I've dated here and there and found that men don't have to be SPs to be jerks or just immature. Maybe I was a bit hypersensitive but who cares? Bottom line is I didn't want what they were offering so I respectfully declined.

lovechild2011 01/30/2015

I think my fear is that I won't feel that "spark" and intensity like I did with the SP. How else did my.life get so out of control?! I know how unhealthy and sick.it was but my bar is so high now for passion, chemistry, sex etc. Feel like I'll turn anyone away....because they won't meet that level.of intensity.

stronger01 01/30/2015

Lol, you say "spark" and "intensity" and I hear "RED FLAG."

lovechild2011 01/30/2015

That's what I mean. I'm afraid I'll look for or need that again. That I've lost touch with normal feelings..so for now better safe than sorry again..alone.

OToole11 01/30/2015

Lovechild, I understand what you mean. My NP created such intense feelings of love and passion within me for him (but he didn't return them once I succumbed) that I'm afraid that I will be wanting to find that again. Right now I am "window shopping" on an online dating site. I've found out a couple of things: 1. At the first hint of weirdness on the guy's part, I block him whereas pre-NP I'd rationalize the behavior. 2. None of the guys do anything for me on a physical level. 3. I'm scared to death to give them my phone number. 4. I'm figuring out that I really want a really good male friend. Bottomline is the self-reflection has been helpful. With NP I felt all the feelings in the beginning that I thought I should feel for someone I loved only to be betrayed and discarded in the most hurtful way, not just once but multiple times as his clever lies and rationalizations always kept on the line. So right now, I'm not really sure if I want another romantic relationship. It's an interesting dilemma, and I refuse to view myself as damaged. I'm now more educated about the evils of the world.

lovechild2011 01/31/2015

That was beautifully written. Good for you.

freelauren 01/31/2015

The spark and intensity you get from being, initially, with a sociopath is part of their charm and lies. I agree with stronger01, that's a red flag. I've been dating on and off since and have left many amazing men in the dust for various stupid reasons, due to fear and not feeling enough passion. Truth is, I don't think its healthy to be with someone where you have that immediate intensity. In order to grow and be with someone, you need to learn who they are and via versa, which takes work and time. The love that we felt being with a sociopath was both inaccurate and not about the other person but about how much attention we were getting, which in and of itself is unhealthy. I think we all need to realize that in order to grow from such a terrible situation, the love, intensity, abuse, and pain was not a real portrayal of how a relationship works. It's scary, but you can't truly love someone, including yourself, without knowing them. Something I've been telling myself for the past three years: Cut yourself some slack!! And ALWAYS treat yourself with respect and love, much like you would a child.

lovechild2011 01/31/2015

I agree; the intensity, obsession is not normal or healthy. But it was addicting without doubt. He gave me so much attention - I thought it had to be a soul mate. He made me feel like I could not have been a more perfect fit for him.... until I started needing him back. Got pregnant and expected certain things from someone who "loved" me.

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