Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
So here I am sometimes very overwhelmed by my CPTSD and it makes me feel lonely and isolated that I cannot talk to my H about it.
I feel a bit of a fraud that I haven't explained how it makes me feel and react on a daily basis - maybe I feel the need to explain my actions I don't know. but we were away on a holiday break in the country and relaxing. I wanted to explain to him how I felt about things and how sex sometimes freaks me out. ( as I am a rape survivor, twice, as a child and as an17 year old which resulted in a termination of a pregnancy, awful) But I hide it and sometimes run to the bathroom to calm down or I act out like a porn star…whatever I do I felt I wasn't being authentic and I wanted to share that with him and for him to support me in my healing as I am starting therapy soon. ) I am 47!)
so I told him, quietly and calmly, explained about my shaking and constant feeling of terror and that I had flashbacks during sex and it made me react in certain ways…..and he was very sweet about it. He said we are in this together , I can help you, tell me what helps you the most….he seemed very understanding.
So then,
The next night in bed, lights off, cuddled up ( his favourite time for a 'chat' ) he was very quiet and I asked him if he was ok…he said he was just freaking out with his PTSD from something which happened when he was a policeman. … I was shocked - why are you saying that? I said why are you using those words? It was like he was mocking me somehow. I was very disturbed by this. He just kept saying he had PTSD too and was reacting to one of his flashbacks…..
I don't know what to make of this I just know it was an odd reaction and I don't know where to go with this?!
Why would he say that? I have known him nearly 3 years….why would he say that? Is it genuine?
I reacted badly if it was genuine, I reacted as if he was mocking me and just saying that to belittle what I shared the night before.
What the….?!
I feel a bit of a fraud that I haven't explained how it makes me feel and react on a daily basis - maybe I feel the need to explain my actions I don't know. but we were away on a holiday break in the country and relaxing. I wanted to explain to him how I felt about things and how sex sometimes freaks me out. ( as I am a rape survivor, twice, as a child and as an17 year old which resulted in a termination of a pregnancy, awful) But I hide it and sometimes run to the bathroom to calm down or I act out like a porn star…whatever I do I felt I wasn't being authentic and I wanted to share that with him and for him to support me in my healing as I am starting therapy soon. ) I am 47!)
so I told him, quietly and calmly, explained about my shaking and constant feeling of terror and that I had flashbacks during sex and it made me react in certain ways…..and he was very sweet about it. He said we are in this together , I can help you, tell me what helps you the most….he seemed very understanding.
So then,
The next night in bed, lights off, cuddled up ( his favourite time for a 'chat' ) he was very quiet and I asked him if he was ok…he said he was just freaking out with his PTSD from something which happened when he was a policeman. … I was shocked - why are you saying that? I said why are you using those words? It was like he was mocking me somehow. I was very disturbed by this. He just kept saying he had PTSD too and was reacting to one of his flashbacks…..
I don't know what to make of this I just know it was an odd reaction and I don't know where to go with this?!
Why would he say that? I have known him nearly 3 years….why would he say that? Is it genuine?
I reacted badly if it was genuine, I reacted as if he was mocking me and just saying that to belittle what I shared the night before.
What the….?!
I needed to talk to him about our marriage this holiday. I am snappy and grumpy every day with him and of course he plays the innocent. I just feel unnerved everyday. I can't explain it. we are in bed cuddling in the morning, he's all sweet and cuddles, then he gets up goes to the shower and that guy has gone. If he was ever there. He is the guy who stops in the middle of sex as he has to go to work…. just ups and goes. Leaving me there.
So I wanted to talk to him about how it makes me feel when he goes from warm and fuzzy to cold and distant….decided after his reaction it would be a waste of time. His behaviour towards me in the day ( we both work from him) is that I am insignificant, he pretty much ignores me. So it makes me edgy, waiting for the next put down. I feel Im too sensitive but I don't know. He says he's just hyper focused on his work. He will just leave the house without even telling me, off on some errand. That hurts, thats what I mean by his indifference.
I have tried to talk to him and he has improved but I feel like Im invisible and have to jump up and down to get him to acknowledge me. He is different if we have visitors of course.
I find myself moaning about him all the time to people and I don't want to be like that! - so why don't you leave him people myst think and some do say…well Im not sure if it IS him, or if it is my perception.
Im unsure about a lot with him but I start therapy soon and I am going to work on myself so I can be sure its not just my PTSD fogging my brain. I ned clarity. I have waited 2 years for therapy. I can't wait.
I was there, I was strong But he broke me down. It wasn't a punch, it was the chip chipping away for years that did it . My self confidence, my self esteem. This man is abusing you, it can't be love, you are vulnerable and need kindness and support. He can never give you this, I pray things get better for you x