Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
Hi Guys,
Here is a bit of my story and how I implemented the no contact rule with kids. Keep in mind- my story is still ongoing and will be I guess until my youngest is 16-18.
I divorced my P ex-husband 5 years ago. We have 3 children together (15,13,11). My ex is STILL obsessed with me. He tells the children lies about me. Blames me for everything that has EVER gone wrong in his life. He even blames me that he is unhappy in his new marriage!! He is a nasty piece of work who avoids child support, calls CPS for no reason things like that. He is constantly emotionally abusive and really believes there is no problem with his behaviour. It was getting so bad that I was desperate and thinking maybe I should sign over my parental rights to him so that I would never have to deal with him again but like most Mums I love my kids too much to do that and besides, he is abusive to them too.
He is awesome at gaslighting and rewriting history. My daughter was severely bashed by him and his story now is "it was just a smack". He tells people we divorced because I had an internet addiction. What?? He had an affair!!
He also projects the stuff he is doing wrong onto me. That particular one has it's advantages though. It can alert me to what is going on behind the scenes. If he starts accusing me of something I haven't done I can be pretty sure he is doing it. One thing he is VERY good at it manipulating the system. Somehow he gets bureaucrats eating out of his hand. I know one technique he uses- Hitler's one- Keep repeating a lie long enough and people will think it is true. I was railroaded in court the first time because of his lies and manipulations. The thing is- he REALLY seems to believe the lies he is telling-
After spending some time on the victims of psychopaths group I spent the entirety of 2013 doing a modified version of no-contact. The closest I could get was to respond ONLY to emails. No phone or text conversations. I also wanted a written record of everything that has been said. With these emails I wrote them in a businesslike manner. No opinions, no name calling, no emotion etc. I made sure there was nothing of *ME* in there. You have NO IDEA how often I had to bite my tongue and suck it up and not respond to him trying to "push my buttons" but I did it!! and for a year!!! One technique I used to help write the businesslike reply was to wait at least 24 hours after reading the email to respond so that the initial emotions had faded and wouldn't seep into my email.
It was hard but it had its benefits. It did not seem to change his behaviour much but I got one or two emails about a topic rather than a flurry of emails which previously would have gone back and forth escalating the situation. His emails were still nasty but I just had to learn to ignore those parts. The no phone or text rule helped me so much. I believe my ex likes it when I lose my sh*t and go absolutely crazy about things he says. I get so angry at the lies, abuse and crazy-making behaviour that I just cannot do that face to face communication. My anger gets the better of me and I cannot hold my tongue. Another benefit I have got out of this is- a complete record of EVERY piece of communication from the past year and he cannot manipulate or lie about it. The records also show him being very abusive and me acting in a professional type of way. He cannot re-write history if it is already written :)
I asked him politely in so many emails to communicate in a business-like manner and also to sign his emails- he never did. Further evidence that he will not respect boundaries or comply with very simple requests. He has recently tried to escalate things in an attempt to force a confrontation. He knows all the right things to say to make me angry and he is trying every button he can push. A year of practice at ignoring this sort of thing has done me wonders. I am not panicking at all. I am not pacing. I am not an emotional wreck. I would have been all of those things if the current situation had occurred before I started no contact. I am not going to participate in a confrontation. I think he wants this confrontation so he can show proof of me being an irrational crazy lady (I bet he would record it)
The no contact hasn't changed his behaviour in any way. It has changed my response to his behaviour dramatically though. It really has broken the control he had of me through the kids. I don't react like I used to.
I really hope that this might help someone in a similar position. It is awful dealing with a P and those of us with kids just cannot do the complete no contact. Just as a matter of interest- I did try to have the emails go through a third party however my ex-P was extremely non-compliant with that. Anyone can message me if they want to know something in more detail or see a sample of an email I sent.
Coralie :)
Here is a bit of my story and how I implemented the no contact rule with kids. Keep in mind- my story is still ongoing and will be I guess until my youngest is 16-18.
I divorced my P ex-husband 5 years ago. We have 3 children together (15,13,11). My ex is STILL obsessed with me. He tells the children lies about me. Blames me for everything that has EVER gone wrong in his life. He even blames me that he is unhappy in his new marriage!! He is a nasty piece of work who avoids child support, calls CPS for no reason things like that. He is constantly emotionally abusive and really believes there is no problem with his behaviour. It was getting so bad that I was desperate and thinking maybe I should sign over my parental rights to him so that I would never have to deal with him again but like most Mums I love my kids too much to do that and besides, he is abusive to them too.
He is awesome at gaslighting and rewriting history. My daughter was severely bashed by him and his story now is "it was just a smack". He tells people we divorced because I had an internet addiction. What?? He had an affair!!
He also projects the stuff he is doing wrong onto me. That particular one has it's advantages though. It can alert me to what is going on behind the scenes. If he starts accusing me of something I haven't done I can be pretty sure he is doing it. One thing he is VERY good at it manipulating the system. Somehow he gets bureaucrats eating out of his hand. I know one technique he uses- Hitler's one- Keep repeating a lie long enough and people will think it is true. I was railroaded in court the first time because of his lies and manipulations. The thing is- he REALLY seems to believe the lies he is telling-
After spending some time on the victims of psychopaths group I spent the entirety of 2013 doing a modified version of no-contact. The closest I could get was to respond ONLY to emails. No phone or text conversations. I also wanted a written record of everything that has been said. With these emails I wrote them in a businesslike manner. No opinions, no name calling, no emotion etc. I made sure there was nothing of *ME* in there. You have NO IDEA how often I had to bite my tongue and suck it up and not respond to him trying to "push my buttons" but I did it!! and for a year!!! One technique I used to help write the businesslike reply was to wait at least 24 hours after reading the email to respond so that the initial emotions had faded and wouldn't seep into my email.
It was hard but it had its benefits. It did not seem to change his behaviour much but I got one or two emails about a topic rather than a flurry of emails which previously would have gone back and forth escalating the situation. His emails were still nasty but I just had to learn to ignore those parts. The no phone or text rule helped me so much. I believe my ex likes it when I lose my sh*t and go absolutely crazy about things he says. I get so angry at the lies, abuse and crazy-making behaviour that I just cannot do that face to face communication. My anger gets the better of me and I cannot hold my tongue. Another benefit I have got out of this is- a complete record of EVERY piece of communication from the past year and he cannot manipulate or lie about it. The records also show him being very abusive and me acting in a professional type of way. He cannot re-write history if it is already written :)
I asked him politely in so many emails to communicate in a business-like manner and also to sign his emails- he never did. Further evidence that he will not respect boundaries or comply with very simple requests. He has recently tried to escalate things in an attempt to force a confrontation. He knows all the right things to say to make me angry and he is trying every button he can push. A year of practice at ignoring this sort of thing has done me wonders. I am not panicking at all. I am not pacing. I am not an emotional wreck. I would have been all of those things if the current situation had occurred before I started no contact. I am not going to participate in a confrontation. I think he wants this confrontation so he can show proof of me being an irrational crazy lady (I bet he would record it)
The no contact hasn't changed his behaviour in any way. It has changed my response to his behaviour dramatically though. It really has broken the control he had of me through the kids. I don't react like I used to.
I really hope that this might help someone in a similar position. It is awful dealing with a P and those of us with kids just cannot do the complete no contact. Just as a matter of interest- I did try to have the emails go through a third party however my ex-P was extremely non-compliant with that. Anyone can message me if they want to know something in more detail or see a sample of an email I sent.
Coralie :)
Blames you because he's unhappy in his new marriage, huh? What the heck?? They do believe their own lies, and it's as if they think nobody is taking notes on what they're doing from one minute to the next! "You know this crap that you're trying to pull? Well, it doesn't even make logical SENSE!" LOL.
Hugs xxx
The best one EVER was when he accused me of lying in the divorce (a very short hearing that happens in Australia- it isn't the settlement just dissolution of the marriage) ,,,, Anyway he says I lied to the judge about domestic violence in the marriage. I ended up saying what did it matter and HE SAID THEY MIGHT NOT HAVE GRANTED IT IF I DIDN'T SAY THAT!!! I lol-ed my head off so loud on the phone at that. HE WAS LIVING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN WHO WAS PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY and somehow MY LIES are responsible for the divorce????
Its things like that that he actually believes . Its so illogical and stupid.
Coralie X
I'm at nearly 3 years of very low contact with my ex and I've gotten to the point where I can literally laugh at his letters and insanity in general. It's so easy to decode his B.S. now... and not just his, but people in general. I can spot both an N/S/P from a mile away and also their co-dependent enablers.
My ex is trying to take me back to court for the...... fourth time? .... fifth time? LOL, I just can't keep track anymore. I've just accepted that this will be my new norm for the next few years.
The way I look at it is people around the world live in extreme poverty & war zones... nothing said life would be easy. We just have to play the cards we're dealt. My situation isn't as bad as it could be and I'm grateful for what I do have.
You should check out:
www.onemomsbattle.com
I just got her book on Kindle and I laughed nearly the entire time. Not because her situation was funny, but just because her situation was so scarily familiar, just like your story. It's like these guys all subscribe to the same "How to be a Psycho" manual with little tweaks here and there.
Anyway, keep being a good mum and give me updates!!! BIG HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!
My ex blames me for EVERYTHING too. Even things when I didn't know him, growing up, running his family out of his life, his decisions, everything. Nobody wants anything to do with him and it's all my fault. Pleaseeeee