Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
Just before I left on a month long trip out of the country I had a guy on meetup email me. He saw I was interested in learning Spanish and emailed me about it. I already belong to a Spanish meetup group and he had joined it as well so I guess that's where he found me. So I started emailing with him and the emails continued through my trip. He said he'd like to meet me when I came back and go on a date.
So when I came home, after a month of emailing him, we went on a date. He seemed like a nice guy, polite, etc. But he talked NON-STOP. In his emails he had said he was happy to hear all the stories from my trip, and I was honestly looking forward to sharing some of it because I saw and did so many new and exciting things. But it felt like I barely got a word in edgewise. When I would talk about something he seemed to always turn the conversation back to him and then just ramble on and on. I had allowed him to pick me up at my place, which I don't usually do, but he had insisted so strongly that I finally gave in and said fine. I live in an apartment building so at least he wouldn't know which apartment or anything. But after awhile I stopped responding much to his rambling and would leave some dead air between us and yawn hoping he'd pick up on it. He would ask if I wanted to go somewhere else and I would tell him I was tired (still jet lagged- good excuse) and would like to call it a night. But then he would start rambling again. This happened about 3 times before he finally got the check and we left. So he drove me home and then sat outside my place in his car rambling for another half hour or so! My brain was exhausted from listening to him by this point. Then he gave me a gift from his trip he had taken (he arrived home the day I left for my trip), which was just a few candies and a post card. He wrote "To my dear 'eternity' " on the back of the post card. I was like...um ok....but thanked him for it. Then I finally told him I should go in and wished him a good night and said goodbye. He didn't wait around my place or anything so that was good.
He had also told me in conversation that he had been dating this girl for about a year and brought her to Mexico with him (where he was originally from). My ex SP was also from Mexico but didn't have residency here- this guy at least had his residency. Anyways he says she met his family etc but then as he was busy and had things to do there she started drinking more and more. He says the drinking started getting to be too much (he claims to hardly ever drink) and eventually he broke up with her. But he says his mom refers to her as "his wife" and always asks how his wife is. He says he hasn't had the heart to tell her he ended the relationship so for the last year he has allowed her to believe he is still in a relationship with her. He doesn't even live in the same city he met her in...she is all the way across the country. He told me he tells his mom they are in different cities right now because he had to move to find work. He claims he is not married and never married her, but his mom just referred to her as his wife. I know it's a Mexican thing to do that (having dated one before..ugh) and I also know Mexican men tend to have "mommy issues" where they lie to their mothers to avoid having to "break their hearts". He says his mom would be worried about him and sad knowing he is alone so it's easier to lie. Really? For a YEAR? He says his brothers know the truth but his mom and dad don't. He claims he would tell his dad except his dad would tell his mom so he lies to both of them.
We had been texting since I returned from my trip as well. But after a night of listening to him ramble I really didn't feel any kind of attraction to him anymore. I previously thought there might be some potential as we seemed to have a few things in common and I enjoyed emailing with him. But the rambling turned me off completely. So I responded less and less to his texts or would take a long time to respond back. He told me I have a "special spark". Um ...ok. All this time I wasn't really thinking he was N/S/P ...but then one night after not texting him back for a long time he asked what was up with me cuz he hadn't heard from me...and I said I was just really bad at texting sometimes and he responded "OK, well just as long as you don't forget me".
I was like WTF! My ex SP was the only man I had ever met that consistently ended every interaction with "please don't forget me". I thought it was an insecurity and then I later realized it was his way of brainwashing me to become attached to him. I had never met anyone else who ever said/did this. Then this guy comes out with it! Immediately the alarm bells started ringing and my brain started adding up all these little things. The lying to his mom for an entire year, the constant steering conversation back to him, talking on and on and on about himself, his thoughts, his interests, etc, telling me I have a special spark. And now I am wondering if I have just met yet another one! I initially felt guilty for responding less and less to him. I was thinking I could tell him I just want to be friends. Then I thought maybe he was just really nervous and that is why he talked so much. But when he said "Don't forget me" the alarm bells went off. I ignored him from that day forward. 2 days later he sends me another text that says, sure enough, "You forgot me". My ex did this constantly too...anytime I didn't respond to a text, email, phone call, etc in a manner considered "timely enough" for him he would text or call and say "You forgot me" or "Why did you forget me today?" It was always about him. He never considered maybe I was busy, maybe I was out with friends, maybe I was tired, sleeping, whatever...it was always that I forgot him!
So anyways, just wondering what you all think. I still have not replied to this guy. It's been about a week now since he sent the You forgot me text. Since then he sent one more a few days later asking What's happened with me and "Don't you want to be my friend anymore?"
I have blocked him on facebook (just in case- I had never added him to begin with) and on meetup and changed my security settings on meetup as well.
When these situations come up, I always feel like I am being overly paranoid and making assumptions about people based on my past experiences. But really that is what my past experiences were for, to teach me how to avoid having MORE experiences like that in the future! :) So I have to trust my gut.
On another note, I have finally stopped obsessing about what my ex SP is doing and checking up on him. I was right...a month away in another country broke the habit. And really that's all it had become at that point...habit. So I am happy to report I know longer give a shit what he is doing :D
So when I came home, after a month of emailing him, we went on a date. He seemed like a nice guy, polite, etc. But he talked NON-STOP. In his emails he had said he was happy to hear all the stories from my trip, and I was honestly looking forward to sharing some of it because I saw and did so many new and exciting things. But it felt like I barely got a word in edgewise. When I would talk about something he seemed to always turn the conversation back to him and then just ramble on and on. I had allowed him to pick me up at my place, which I don't usually do, but he had insisted so strongly that I finally gave in and said fine. I live in an apartment building so at least he wouldn't know which apartment or anything. But after awhile I stopped responding much to his rambling and would leave some dead air between us and yawn hoping he'd pick up on it. He would ask if I wanted to go somewhere else and I would tell him I was tired (still jet lagged- good excuse) and would like to call it a night. But then he would start rambling again. This happened about 3 times before he finally got the check and we left. So he drove me home and then sat outside my place in his car rambling for another half hour or so! My brain was exhausted from listening to him by this point. Then he gave me a gift from his trip he had taken (he arrived home the day I left for my trip), which was just a few candies and a post card. He wrote "To my dear 'eternity' " on the back of the post card. I was like...um ok....but thanked him for it. Then I finally told him I should go in and wished him a good night and said goodbye. He didn't wait around my place or anything so that was good.
He had also told me in conversation that he had been dating this girl for about a year and brought her to Mexico with him (where he was originally from). My ex SP was also from Mexico but didn't have residency here- this guy at least had his residency. Anyways he says she met his family etc but then as he was busy and had things to do there she started drinking more and more. He says the drinking started getting to be too much (he claims to hardly ever drink) and eventually he broke up with her. But he says his mom refers to her as "his wife" and always asks how his wife is. He says he hasn't had the heart to tell her he ended the relationship so for the last year he has allowed her to believe he is still in a relationship with her. He doesn't even live in the same city he met her in...she is all the way across the country. He told me he tells his mom they are in different cities right now because he had to move to find work. He claims he is not married and never married her, but his mom just referred to her as his wife. I know it's a Mexican thing to do that (having dated one before..ugh) and I also know Mexican men tend to have "mommy issues" where they lie to their mothers to avoid having to "break their hearts". He says his mom would be worried about him and sad knowing he is alone so it's easier to lie. Really? For a YEAR? He says his brothers know the truth but his mom and dad don't. He claims he would tell his dad except his dad would tell his mom so he lies to both of them.
We had been texting since I returned from my trip as well. But after a night of listening to him ramble I really didn't feel any kind of attraction to him anymore. I previously thought there might be some potential as we seemed to have a few things in common and I enjoyed emailing with him. But the rambling turned me off completely. So I responded less and less to his texts or would take a long time to respond back. He told me I have a "special spark". Um ...ok. All this time I wasn't really thinking he was N/S/P ...but then one night after not texting him back for a long time he asked what was up with me cuz he hadn't heard from me...and I said I was just really bad at texting sometimes and he responded "OK, well just as long as you don't forget me".
I was like WTF! My ex SP was the only man I had ever met that consistently ended every interaction with "please don't forget me". I thought it was an insecurity and then I later realized it was his way of brainwashing me to become attached to him. I had never met anyone else who ever said/did this. Then this guy comes out with it! Immediately the alarm bells started ringing and my brain started adding up all these little things. The lying to his mom for an entire year, the constant steering conversation back to him, talking on and on and on about himself, his thoughts, his interests, etc, telling me I have a special spark. And now I am wondering if I have just met yet another one! I initially felt guilty for responding less and less to him. I was thinking I could tell him I just want to be friends. Then I thought maybe he was just really nervous and that is why he talked so much. But when he said "Don't forget me" the alarm bells went off. I ignored him from that day forward. 2 days later he sends me another text that says, sure enough, "You forgot me". My ex did this constantly too...anytime I didn't respond to a text, email, phone call, etc in a manner considered "timely enough" for him he would text or call and say "You forgot me" or "Why did you forget me today?" It was always about him. He never considered maybe I was busy, maybe I was out with friends, maybe I was tired, sleeping, whatever...it was always that I forgot him!
So anyways, just wondering what you all think. I still have not replied to this guy. It's been about a week now since he sent the You forgot me text. Since then he sent one more a few days later asking What's happened with me and "Don't you want to be my friend anymore?"
I have blocked him on facebook (just in case- I had never added him to begin with) and on meetup and changed my security settings on meetup as well.
When these situations come up, I always feel like I am being overly paranoid and making assumptions about people based on my past experiences. But really that is what my past experiences were for, to teach me how to avoid having MORE experiences like that in the future! :) So I have to trust my gut.
On another note, I have finally stopped obsessing about what my ex SP is doing and checking up on him. I was right...a month away in another country broke the habit. And really that's all it had become at that point...habit. So I am happy to report I know longer give a shit what he is doing :D
Does your apt building have one of those buzzers that lists all the names of people? If so, he can figure out which one you're in. Either way, he can stalk the building, waiting for you. I never let a guy know where I live until a few dates in.
The nonstop talking can be nervousness. I do this sometimes. And I recently went on a couple dates with a neighbor I've known for years and he's EXTREMELY shy and he was talking nonstop and never made eye contact.
What he wrote on the postcard is a big red flag. That's too much too fast.
His mother calling his ex "wife" is a huge red flag. That makes me think that maybe he's married and is setting the stage for when you meet his mom and she refers to his "wife," so that you won't ask questions.
The "don't forget me" isn't that big of a deal. That can be flirtatious. What I've learned, after dating someone with AvPD recently, is that being ignored sucks. Feeling rejected all the time sucks. For anyone. This is going to be a trigger for anyone who's been through trauma, rejection, abandonment. It literally caused me to have panic attacks when this guy ignored me. So it's not something I'd ever do to anyone now. If you are not interested in him, the healthy thing to do is to tell him so. Then move on.
I don't think he's a psychopath, I do think he's a narcissist. Our conversation centered entirely on him and anytime it came back to anything about me he turned it right back to him. He talked a lot about things he wanted to do with me in the future, yet barely asked any questions to actually get to know me, other than what happened with my ex and how much money I earn (normal people don't ask that!). And yes, the postcard thing was weird. He talked about how he wanted to get me something really nice but he didn't have time to shop around. Something really nice would have been extremely awkward so I was happy he stuck with candy and a postcard.
The ex girlfriend being painted as an alcoholic also concerned me. Mostly because he said she was never like that before in their relationship and secondly because he used it as a means to bring up the "I rarely ever drink" card. My ex did the same thing as well. All his exes were either crazy or alcoholics according to him (I later found out they were neither) and he also told me he never drinks (only later I found out this was a lie too).
As far as ignoring him, it is not something I typically do UNLESS I Feel they could be N/S or P. I am aware that rejection sucks and being ignored sucks, but the game changes when dealing with a N/S/P and having enough red flags and enough similar past experiences has taught me it's best to be wary and avoid another relationship like this. And knowing that, I also know the best possible thing to do is cut off all contact. I don't need to deal with potential rage, stalking or over the top persistence following the normal "I'm sorry, I'm just not interested in you in that way" conversation. I have had that convo with plenty of other "normal" guys I have dated, but N/S/P's don't take it well and will either bombard you with messages trying to get you to change your mind, or flip out completely calling you any number of names etc. So I find it best if I suspect they are N/S/P to just go NC from that point on without explanation.
I met a guy before this one who turned out to be the younger brother of a child molester/cop killer. I suspected after a couple of conversations that he was S/P and did some digging to find that info. One article I found actually cited the younger brother (aka guy I was talking to) as "idolizing" his older brother. I cut him off without explanation as well- no regrets, and definitely no concern for his feelings of rejection. So in the case of a possible N/S/P, as far as I'm concerned, the "healthy" thing to do is look out for myself first- they don't need an explanation- they barely know me. So they can just suck it up if they feel rejected.
I really just feel frustrated at continually meeting these types. Even if this guy wasn't a full blown N, he was still very focused on himself. His asking me how much money I make was also completely inappropriate and his response once I finally told him after 10 minutes of continually hounding me was excitement and blurting out "Wow I REALLY like you now!". I bet you do.
Really want to just meet some normal guys. I would say 1 in 9 that I meet turns out to be a decent normal guy.
Am so glad that you are alert to red flags. Take your time,