When I met my husband we both were craving for similar drug (dopamine and oxytocin) but need was different. My need was to seek love approval and feel good and his was to satisfy his physical need and narcissism (that is some candidate who can make him feel good and god like all the time).

We were perfect match. Donor and receiver of these two drugs that we had been releasing in our body for such a long time that subconsciously we became addicted to it.

My ex-husband childhood was troubling, he never learned compassion and love coz of the greedy and selfish environment, though he prolonged for it but never experienced it. All he learnt was to protect himself.

When he used to get attracted to some girl he used to get surrounded with insecurities first so he protected those by give himself these feel good drugs by performing well in studies, by developing his charming personality and felt good when people used to praise him or envy him. This became a habit (beginning of narcissistic personality)

My child was troubling too, being from north (India) I got an environment where girls are taught to get dominated by men. My feel good factors were someone external (c, s, a) to love me, give me approval in everything I do. I never learnt to develop self-esteem and self-worth (classic beginning of codependency).

Ex-husband on one had did crave for love, he fascinated it as he saw many examples in his group where couples were happy being in love but sadly he never knew what this is. He got attracted to a girl (extremely studious and simple and kind). What I believe he went crazy for her and she was also a codependent person. They were giving each other this feel good drug in large quantities. Became addicted to each other. They were superficially happy. She left and he craved for this addiction even more. Was in terrible pain mentally. Instead of healing his brain, because of his environment (which was full negativity and depressed/Superstitious sister) he began seeking justification in mediums like past life regression, Reiki healing and pundits and I am sure many more. Created a superficial environment and began feeding his narcissist side which ultimately gave him same feel good drugs.

When he met me he had no intention of being in love, all what he wanted was someone to satisfy his need to fulfil he changed personality disorder (irreversible I would say) and my need was to be in love, fantasy of being in love and approval.

I was needy and desperate.

When after marriage, whenever he got this threat I can go away (may be by knowing of his insecurities) or may be whenever he was incapable of giving love as he knew very well what I needed he tried to control me and sabotage me in a most inhuman manner subconsciously as he never learnt to be compassionate and love so things which make us human cannot be expected from him which I expected.

He never loved me, he was fascinated by me like her girlfriend earlier but he could never allow again anyone to hurt him back or make him deprived of his need to these feel good drugs. He protected his need and faked his true emotions. He converted into an Evil person.

He wore a mask. Where he hid his true intentions and need. He became extremely charming, switching personality in front of people.

When I ran away from him, it took him by surprise so instead of me expecting him to be guilty and all he actually behaved in his true self that go if you want as anyways I am not getting feel good drugs from you from past many days and I know I can never get that from you as now I know you know the truth about me and that will make lose control over you so better I choose other source of drug.

Which he might have already found out by now as he is so addicted to it but god help those who are still giving him this drug.

For me I need to be in constant awareness that I need to stay away from him completely so not by any chance I am self-producing these feel good (FD)drugs in my brain because of him which I am addicted to from 12 years.

I need to stay away from any external factor who will be willing to give me this drug. No matter how much pain it brings to my mind and body (same withdrawal symptoms as a drug addict) I can’t let myself addicted to FD drugs until I am sure that I produce these FD hormones on my own by my own actions and success. I should be producing these hormones by giving myself rewards like exercising, working with honest intention in office, be good to environment and everyone in it, do volunteering work and by constantly staying motivated.

From past two days as I learnt about by brain I am experiencing withdrawal symptoms. My body is in pain, feeling of vomiting, loneliness, tiredness. So I have called my mom this Saturday. There is no harm in asking some help ;)

Narcissist since work on himself continuously never gets out of style, never face body image issues, intellectual issues and is in a way thrive for perfectionism so he won’t be needing to work on his physical appearance in general after break –up. Whereas it is completely opposite for a co –dependent person.

But win is always of codependent person in the end as at least they were capable of giving love and were able to establish healthy, happy environment and can be spiritual again can find someone who can genuinely love and receive love without selfishness and neediness. With Narcissist end result is always scary as when they get old and karma hits back they usually end up losing everything, horrible state I even fear imagining.

" You need to learn to take ownership of you actions as until you do there is no Peace"