Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
forwhatreason, I can't find the post now but thanks for the comment on my blog.
I can read these at work but I can always respond.
I've fallen behind on updates and I really need to! Especially since amazing things have happened since Sept in regards to my recovery.
P.S. to the person on this board who just had a bday and I won't name for the sake of anonymity:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! :-) We love you!
I see a lot of new faces and know more than one of you facing custody/court battles so I'll just rehash and also update my situation... 15 years is hard to summarize without boring everyone to death.... QUICK VERSION!:
My father = abusive.
My mother = needy & neglectful.
When I was 16, I married a 21 yr old closet-drug addict so I would be legally emancipated.
He was a cheater. He even went as far to take his ex to court for harassment to prove to me she was "crazy" and obsessed with him when I accused him of cheating. He gave me an STD and stole $2,000 from our account (I was 17 and the only one working - two jobs, too).
I filed for divorce.
Here comes Ex #2 (and future father of my children).
I was still unstable. I told him everything about Ex #1.
He & I become close friends ("BEST FRIENDS" - lol) and start sleeping together a few months later.
He tells me shortly thereafter that he's getting back together with his ex (who actually was his girlfriend, not an ex). She lived in a different state. I knew nothing of her.
I told him to piss off.
His girlfriend never flew out to visit. He came to me crying about it. Pestered me non-stop until I talked to him.
A month later, we celebrated my 19th birthday = hello unplanned pregnancy.
His family pressured us to get married but I refused for the next 18 months until he joined the military and told me they were "shipping him off" and we'd never see him again because we weren't his dependents.
The next 10 years includes nearly everything everyone else on this board has gone through: cheating, porn addiction, habitual lying, heavy drinking, yelling, false accusations, name-calling, threats, hot & cold treatment, stealing my credit cards, not showing up on time, neglecting our kids, etc.
I have a LOT to be angry about. So many red flags that, sewn together, they could stretch around the world.
8 years into our marriage, following another one of his tantrums, our 8 y/o daughter very casually says to me, "Mom, I think you should divorce dad. He doesn't treat you very nice."
DONE!
Following our first divorce, the few times he actually exercised his visitation, he'd show up at my door just long enough to come inside, start an argument, and then leave without our kids.
- He had key-logged my computer.
- He tried putting a hidden camera in my house.
- I caught him digging through my trash after I came home from a date with another man.
- He hacked my email and myspace accounts - got an email from the actual myspace website informing me of this.
I just brushed it off as a bad reaction to our divorce and thought he'd move on eventually. I felt bad for him.
Then I was called away for an active duty deployment for 6 months (yes, I was military, too).
I came back home from my mission severely depressed.
So when I'm emotionally at my worst....... in walks Ex #2 again to play hero.
He was attentive. Showered me with gifts and constant attention.
Went on and on about how he'd do it right this time and we'd be a happy family.
He begged me to move away to escape our families - said they were the reason for our misery.
It was really too good to be true --- and then came more lies.
As his ex-girlfriend put it: "He lies as easily as he breathes."
I married him the 2nd time after only 7 months.
The VERY next day, he was an unemployed lump on my couch again --- faster than instant oatmeal.
No more gifts. No more help. He was just angry and always throwing a tantrum every time I asked for anything.
He yelled at our kids over everything.
He was stealing money from me again and downloading teen porn. His heavy drinking returned.
This time I said "No way am I doing this again for another 10 years" and I filed for divorce on our year anniversary.
(I would have done it 8 months sooner but I was deployed again)
He'd met a married girl on an internet dating site.
They hooked up. He tried to get our kids to like her and told them to keep it a secret.
My ex told our daughter I'd hate her and take off with my boyfriend if I found out (I didn't have a boyfriend).
After our divorce was final, Ex pressured our daughter to tell me... said it was HER responsibility and he shouldn't have to keep his girlfriend a secret.
Daughter finally broke down that night --- like a total mental break I've never seen before --- said she hated her father and wanted to die because she didn't want to be any part of "him".
Ex then blocked our daughter from his Facebook and said she betrayed him. He allegedly told her was going to drive his truck off a cliff with her and her brother inside. Crazy crazy crazy stuff......
CPS got involved. Charged ex with emotional maltreatment. Psychologist and mediators agreed limited visits.
I filed for supervised visitation and to appoint a Guardian ad Litem.
Asked for a contempt order for non-payment of child support (Ex was working and refused to pay anything).
Commissioner = DENIED.
I was in shock. Ex was literally laughing his way out of the courtroom.
One of his family members put a paper with a smiley face on my windshield just to be vindictive.
I filed for 3 meditations for a modification to our parent-plan.
Ex agree during all 3 sessions and then tore up the papers when we left the courthouse.... and said he wasn't signing a damn thing.
I had not just one, but THREE psychologists and a social worker tell me to move if I can. This situation was dangerous. It just so happened that my civilian job was initiating lay-offs in a few months. The timing couldn't have been more perfect.
In January, I submitted my intent to relocate with the courts and my ex.
My ex said nothing until we left in May, then he went over-the-top with his victim dramatizations.
He then filed an Order to Show Cause to appease his girlfriend..... but just let it sit on the docket for more than a year.
After we moved, Ex didn't come see our kids --- and he refused to pick them up for visits.
I drove the kids to see him 3 times. The 4th time, I said no more. He needed to put forth some effort.
His sister came out and took off with our son (across state lines). Our teenage daughter refused to leave with her.
When I documented that incident, Ex tried to resurrect the old Order to Show Cause again.
Judge's secretary said Judge wasn't happy with Ex - she said the order had been filed too long ago and he questioned why he hasn't followed up on it until now.
2 days prior to hearing, as I was literally getting in my car to drive to our old state, Ex requested a continuance without notifying me. I only found out because I called the court to make sure I had everything I needed.
They didn't set a new date for the trial.
We heard nothing else until the kids winter break from school 6 weeks later. I asked Ex if he was planning on exercising his visitation this year. He told me I had to deliver the kids to him. I said I couldn't do it this time and our decree explicitly states he has to do all pick up and drop off for his parent-time. Again, he needed put forth some effort.
He ran to the court and asked for an injunction that required I deliver our children to him for his visitation or face 30 days in jail.
I spent 3 days looking up law libraries and how to file an objection to a TRO. I drafted something with the help of 2 friends who both had been through this and one now works at the DA's office as a paralegal.
Judge = DENIED
(finally a small victory!!!)
Ex again request a new contempt hearing on the old Order to Show Cause.
The Court hasn't rescheduled and I'm not sure they'll even entertain it anymore.
Which brings us to 3 weeks ago...
I had a dream about my ex and I hadn't dreamt about him in a while so I trusted my gut and got online.
I saw an obituary.... the OW mother had just passed away and she lived about 30 miles from us.
I knew that meant we would probably get a surprise visit from Ex... and we did.
Now that I totally understand his game and objective, I knew exactly how to react.
I fully cooperated.
When I didn't become the disagreeable protective mother he once knew, he was his usual raging self.
I knew he didn't really want to see our kids, he was just trying to get dirt for court.
He refused to give me any pick up or drop off times and I just went with it.
He told our daughter she didn't have to go with him, but I told our daughter she needed to try because he's pulled this stunt before.... he says our daughter doesn't have to go but then runs to court saying I keeping our daughter from him. True story.
Our daughter started whining, saying she didn't want to go, so I said I need Ex's permission in writing or recorded on voicemail.
I texted Ex "please send me an email or leave a voicemail stating exchange times and giving our daughter permission."
I didn't even say permission for what.
The next minute, I get a call from Ex who left a scathing voicemail saying he never gave our daughter permission to not go with him.......... which is funny because I never said he did.
Our daughter heard the voicemail and her mouth and eyes got huge. She screamed "Oh my god, he's such a liar!!! I can't believe how much he lies!"
Ex also still refused to give exchange times so I told him we'd meet him at the police station at 6:30 (he was 20 minutes late as usual). He spent a whopping 80 minutes with our kids at McDonalds and dropped them back off at the police station without notifying me. We haven't heard from him since.
:-)
(of course we will, but it's nice to enjoy the peace & quiet in the meantime)
I can read these at work but I can always respond.
I've fallen behind on updates and I really need to! Especially since amazing things have happened since Sept in regards to my recovery.
P.S. to the person on this board who just had a bday and I won't name for the sake of anonymity:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! :-) We love you!
I see a lot of new faces and know more than one of you facing custody/court battles so I'll just rehash and also update my situation... 15 years is hard to summarize without boring everyone to death.... QUICK VERSION!:
My father = abusive.
My mother = needy & neglectful.
When I was 16, I married a 21 yr old closet-drug addict so I would be legally emancipated.
He was a cheater. He even went as far to take his ex to court for harassment to prove to me she was "crazy" and obsessed with him when I accused him of cheating. He gave me an STD and stole $2,000 from our account (I was 17 and the only one working - two jobs, too).
I filed for divorce.
Here comes Ex #2 (and future father of my children).
I was still unstable. I told him everything about Ex #1.
He & I become close friends ("BEST FRIENDS" - lol) and start sleeping together a few months later.
He tells me shortly thereafter that he's getting back together with his ex (who actually was his girlfriend, not an ex). She lived in a different state. I knew nothing of her.
I told him to piss off.
His girlfriend never flew out to visit. He came to me crying about it. Pestered me non-stop until I talked to him.
A month later, we celebrated my 19th birthday = hello unplanned pregnancy.
His family pressured us to get married but I refused for the next 18 months until he joined the military and told me they were "shipping him off" and we'd never see him again because we weren't his dependents.
The next 10 years includes nearly everything everyone else on this board has gone through: cheating, porn addiction, habitual lying, heavy drinking, yelling, false accusations, name-calling, threats, hot & cold treatment, stealing my credit cards, not showing up on time, neglecting our kids, etc.
I have a LOT to be angry about. So many red flags that, sewn together, they could stretch around the world.
8 years into our marriage, following another one of his tantrums, our 8 y/o daughter very casually says to me, "Mom, I think you should divorce dad. He doesn't treat you very nice."
DONE!
Following our first divorce, the few times he actually exercised his visitation, he'd show up at my door just long enough to come inside, start an argument, and then leave without our kids.
- He had key-logged my computer.
- He tried putting a hidden camera in my house.
- I caught him digging through my trash after I came home from a date with another man.
- He hacked my email and myspace accounts - got an email from the actual myspace website informing me of this.
I just brushed it off as a bad reaction to our divorce and thought he'd move on eventually. I felt bad for him.
Then I was called away for an active duty deployment for 6 months (yes, I was military, too).
I came back home from my mission severely depressed.
So when I'm emotionally at my worst....... in walks Ex #2 again to play hero.
He was attentive. Showered me with gifts and constant attention.
Went on and on about how he'd do it right this time and we'd be a happy family.
He begged me to move away to escape our families - said they were the reason for our misery.
It was really too good to be true --- and then came more lies.
As his ex-girlfriend put it: "He lies as easily as he breathes."
I married him the 2nd time after only 7 months.
The VERY next day, he was an unemployed lump on my couch again --- faster than instant oatmeal.
No more gifts. No more help. He was just angry and always throwing a tantrum every time I asked for anything.
He yelled at our kids over everything.
He was stealing money from me again and downloading teen porn. His heavy drinking returned.
This time I said "No way am I doing this again for another 10 years" and I filed for divorce on our year anniversary.
(I would have done it 8 months sooner but I was deployed again)
He'd met a married girl on an internet dating site.
They hooked up. He tried to get our kids to like her and told them to keep it a secret.
My ex told our daughter I'd hate her and take off with my boyfriend if I found out (I didn't have a boyfriend).
After our divorce was final, Ex pressured our daughter to tell me... said it was HER responsibility and he shouldn't have to keep his girlfriend a secret.
Daughter finally broke down that night --- like a total mental break I've never seen before --- said she hated her father and wanted to die because she didn't want to be any part of "him".
Ex then blocked our daughter from his Facebook and said she betrayed him. He allegedly told her was going to drive his truck off a cliff with her and her brother inside. Crazy crazy crazy stuff......
CPS got involved. Charged ex with emotional maltreatment. Psychologist and mediators agreed limited visits.
I filed for supervised visitation and to appoint a Guardian ad Litem.
Asked for a contempt order for non-payment of child support (Ex was working and refused to pay anything).
Commissioner = DENIED.
I was in shock. Ex was literally laughing his way out of the courtroom.
One of his family members put a paper with a smiley face on my windshield just to be vindictive.
I filed for 3 meditations for a modification to our parent-plan.
Ex agree during all 3 sessions and then tore up the papers when we left the courthouse.... and said he wasn't signing a damn thing.
I had not just one, but THREE psychologists and a social worker tell me to move if I can. This situation was dangerous. It just so happened that my civilian job was initiating lay-offs in a few months. The timing couldn't have been more perfect.
In January, I submitted my intent to relocate with the courts and my ex.
My ex said nothing until we left in May, then he went over-the-top with his victim dramatizations.
He then filed an Order to Show Cause to appease his girlfriend..... but just let it sit on the docket for more than a year.
After we moved, Ex didn't come see our kids --- and he refused to pick them up for visits.
I drove the kids to see him 3 times. The 4th time, I said no more. He needed to put forth some effort.
His sister came out and took off with our son (across state lines). Our teenage daughter refused to leave with her.
When I documented that incident, Ex tried to resurrect the old Order to Show Cause again.
Judge's secretary said Judge wasn't happy with Ex - she said the order had been filed too long ago and he questioned why he hasn't followed up on it until now.
2 days prior to hearing, as I was literally getting in my car to drive to our old state, Ex requested a continuance without notifying me. I only found out because I called the court to make sure I had everything I needed.
They didn't set a new date for the trial.
We heard nothing else until the kids winter break from school 6 weeks later. I asked Ex if he was planning on exercising his visitation this year. He told me I had to deliver the kids to him. I said I couldn't do it this time and our decree explicitly states he has to do all pick up and drop off for his parent-time. Again, he needed put forth some effort.
He ran to the court and asked for an injunction that required I deliver our children to him for his visitation or face 30 days in jail.
I spent 3 days looking up law libraries and how to file an objection to a TRO. I drafted something with the help of 2 friends who both had been through this and one now works at the DA's office as a paralegal.
Judge = DENIED
(finally a small victory!!!)
Ex again request a new contempt hearing on the old Order to Show Cause.
The Court hasn't rescheduled and I'm not sure they'll even entertain it anymore.
Which brings us to 3 weeks ago...
I had a dream about my ex and I hadn't dreamt about him in a while so I trusted my gut and got online.
I saw an obituary.... the OW mother had just passed away and she lived about 30 miles from us.
I knew that meant we would probably get a surprise visit from Ex... and we did.
Now that I totally understand his game and objective, I knew exactly how to react.
I fully cooperated.
When I didn't become the disagreeable protective mother he once knew, he was his usual raging self.
I knew he didn't really want to see our kids, he was just trying to get dirt for court.
He refused to give me any pick up or drop off times and I just went with it.
He told our daughter she didn't have to go with him, but I told our daughter she needed to try because he's pulled this stunt before.... he says our daughter doesn't have to go but then runs to court saying I keeping our daughter from him. True story.
Our daughter started whining, saying she didn't want to go, so I said I need Ex's permission in writing or recorded on voicemail.
I texted Ex "please send me an email or leave a voicemail stating exchange times and giving our daughter permission."
I didn't even say permission for what.
The next minute, I get a call from Ex who left a scathing voicemail saying he never gave our daughter permission to not go with him.......... which is funny because I never said he did.
Our daughter heard the voicemail and her mouth and eyes got huge. She screamed "Oh my god, he's such a liar!!! I can't believe how much he lies!"
Ex also still refused to give exchange times so I told him we'd meet him at the police station at 6:30 (he was 20 minutes late as usual). He spent a whopping 80 minutes with our kids at McDonalds and dropped them back off at the police station without notifying me. We haven't heard from him since.
:-)
(of course we will, but it's nice to enjoy the peace & quiet in the meantime)
There has to be a reason for going through all of this? For me, whilst i don't like that you have, it does make me feel better, that its not just me.
I shouldn't have = but I did laugh at the bit where you wrote
As his ex-girlfriend put it: "He lies as easily as he breathes."
I married him the 2nd time after only 7 months.
The VERY next day, he was an unemployed lump on my couch again --- faster than instant oatmeal.
I so identified!!
There isn't anything I would take offense to in regards to that topsy-turvy, crazy relationship. :-)
I'm lucky that I detached from my ex YEARS ago. I miss nothing and I'm not sad about it in the slightest. His insane behaviors actually make me laugh now.
The only ones I feel bad for are our kids.
I'm a total believer in destiny and things happening for a reason. I really hope we can all help others with our experiences, but even if that's not the case for me, I know this situation has helped my daughter learn how to not repeat the same patterns that have been repeated for generations. She has a chance at actually being happy in her adult life and hat alone makes it all worth it for me.
(she's about to turn 16 and she's the most well informed, not boy-crazy teenager I've ever seen)
Just remember: Strength in numbers. :-)
i cant believe, you went through all this in one lifetime.... how are you and your kids doing? you and your daughter are just so strong... i really admire you both.... how long did all this hurt you? i wish i could feel like tyou... and be ready to move on...
Can kids emancipate themselves from one parent? Like could your kids dis-own their father if they wanted to?
I can't imagine how much harder this would have been if I had been in love with him. We were only together because I thought it was best for our kids.... because I was in the military.... and because he said we were "best friends".
I'm watching my sister go through this with her own psychopath who she was with for 16 years and she's been a wreck for almost 2 years now after he left her for another woman (again); however, she refuses to give him up. She won't abide by "no contact" so he keeps sucking her back in --- and then disposing of her again every couple of months. It happened again just yesterday.
She stopped eating and was down to only 90lbs at one point. She looked like a skeleton. She does nothing but cry every day. She nearly lost her job as a loans officer technician due to showing up late because she couldn't pull herself out of bed. It's awful. I feel frustrated with her and sympathetic towards her at the same time.
Again, you guys are dealing with some difficult stuff.
What helped me when I probably did have some sort of feelings for my ex... was and has been moving away from the situation first (even if it was just temporary) and having zero contact. The painful stuff (the 5 stages of grief) lasted about 6 months every time and the first few months were the absolute hardest, but the longer you go, the happier you really are. I literally feel nothing for any of my exes anymore.
Not anger. Not longing. They're literally strangers to me.
I've also learned dating tricks to weed out the crazies - which I attract like a bear to honey.
@november... yes, at 16, she can file for a protective order or emancipation, but emancipation is tricky.
It will be a last resort because the police & courts pretty much won't force her to go at 16 anyway. They assume at that age, kids have their own walking papers because they have other commitments, like school, friends & jobs.
At 16, our daughter can also testify in court so I have a feeling my ex won't push it anymore. This is likely the beginning of the end.
I also learned that the judge who oversees our case is also the drug-court judge - which means he's dealt with his share of liars & sociopaths. We've never personally appeared in front of him but I think with this last stunt my ex pull and after reading our case file, our judge sees right through my ex.
Thank you for sharing. You have helped so many of us throughout the last year. Your words of wisdom, knowledge and humor have helped me more than u will ever know. I hope to be at the point where u are as far as feeling nothing towards ur ex. I'm still confused and in disbelief at times. I go from feeling pity for him to wanting to murder him. I know in order to truly heal I have to accept the fact that I'll never know exactly what happened but that it did and monsters like this exist. Being on this site is helping me tremendously. I love that we all understand each others pain and we are all helpful and encouraging when need be. So happy to learn of your happiness. I have faith we will all be there in due time xoxo