Victims of Psychopaths Community Group
Is he or she a sociopath or psychopath? Think we're only talking about serial killers here? Psychopaths, sociopaths and even narcissists come in every walk of life, every career level, and every socio-economic category.
Hello all,
This website has been a true lifeline for me throughout my struggle to leave and stay out of my relationship with a sociopath. I wanted to give back by sharing some of the things that have brought me peace and strength.
1) Make the breakup and No Contact very clear. For your own sake.
At first, I simply stopped responding to him and calmly asked for space. Even though he was the one that had initially broken up with me and had done awful things; I found myself feel terribly guilty that I was hurting or abandoning him (us highly empathetic types make the best targets, afterall). Even though he's not playing by the rules, I still felt that I had to. When I made the breakup clear in a calm, "about me", no blame way...I felt alleviated of my guilt and any responsibility to ever speak to him again. I also made it clear that I could not handle ANY CONTACT. I did my part, so if he doesn't respect my wishes....that's on him.
2) No matter how strong we are and committed to our resolution to stay far, far away; hoovering attempts (sweet, concerned, angry, hurt, loving, desperate, passionate, gentle disguised attempts to suck us back into their sick and devastating cycle of abuse) - they get in our heads and our hearts!! That's the whole point of it! I couldn't read his words, hear his voice; NOTHING. Even if I was strong enough not to respond to it, each attempt unraveled my empathy, guilt, and love bit by bit somewhere deep down. It wears on you. The solution? DON'T SEE IT. If you have resolved #1, then remember you have no obligation or responsibility to speak to him or see him EVER AGAIN no matter what he says, twists reality and your emotions. Therefore:
-Change your phone number and be careful about who you share it with. Block him on facebook, email, and any other virtual medium where he can contact you. Just like you can't feel safe from danger in a house unless every single door, window, entrance is securely locked, you have to lock all of your virtual "doors and windows". That made me feel incredibly relieved. I no longer have to freeze in fear every time I check my inbox or hear my phone ring.
3) If moving is not an option, at least consult with the police to inform them of your situation and find out what your options are. You should not have to feel afraid in your own home.
4) Reach out to family and friends and tell them the nitty, gritty, terrible details. For me, I knew that I was committed to getting out. However, I still validate and acknowledge that - despite everything - I still love him and miss him. And that's okay. You can still love and care for someone and be right in leaving them and getting them out of your life. Anyway, by telling my loved ones the truth...I set for myself what I call my "slap trap." If I feel myself weakening or wanting to go back to him, I have a circle of people I trust who will (with love!!) smack me in the head!!
5) I started seeing a therapist with the *specific* intention made clear from the first meeting of getting out and staying out of this relationship. Some days I would just sit in her office and cry, others I would make my exit plan, others I would think about what made me susceptible to getting in this relationship in the first place. It doesn't matter. Going to see her was a weekly commitment to myself, my intention, and my healing. Just showing up meant I was still overall dedicated to getting out; despite lapses in willpower and strength. It is a process.
6) Read, read, and read some more. But you're all here...so you know that already :)
7) Validate your feelings and support wherever you are right now. Accept yourself. Be patient with yourself. You have been through so much, and it is a true sign of strength just that you are on here reaching out. If you can't function at your best right now, that's okay. If you feel terrible and stay in bed all day, that's okay. If you miss him, that's okay. The only way to get over something is to go through it. Have faith that even though it is hard right now, you are moving in the right direction and it will all heal with time.
8) Don't blame yourself for getting in the relationship....not getting out soon enough....being blind to behavior. You are not to blame here. Do try to understand how it happened so that you can look out for/prevent it in the future. Despite all the bad, try to extract just one or two good things that you took with you from the relationship. For me, my sociopath's lack of boundaries allowed me to truly open up, be myself, and feel vulnerable and intimate with someone. Of course, I chose the wrong person to bestow those gifts on. But those feelings are something I will take with me. ("If you could love the wrong person that much...imagine how much you could love the right one.") The rest, I'll leave behind thank-you-very-much!!! I also learned to trust my instincts (I had a bad feeling about him from day 1 that I chose to ignore),
Here is part of a beautiful article/blog post:
"I need to acknowledge that even though I was in a relationship that damaged me, I was also in a relationship that helped me grow. In our society we like boxes–we like someone, we hate someone, something is good, something is bad–we rarely consider nuance. We rarely hold two opposing ideas in our head and retain the ability to function. But I am who I am today because I was in a relationship with someone who was as good for me as he was bad; I grew both from how much he loved me and from how much he hurt me."
http://thoughtcatalog.com/katalina-gamarra/2015/03/its-hard-when-you-miss-your-abusive-ex/
9) Self care. Do what makes you feel good. Exercise and eating well, seeing friends, shopping. Be a friend to yourself.
10) Give yourself credit!!!! Getting out of an abusive relationship...let alone a socio/psychopathic one...is an incredibly brave thing to do. Facing the unknown, uprooting your life, and letting go of the person that -despite everything - you loved deeply takes an incredibly strong person; with enough self love to know that they deserve respect, love, and happiness in the truest sense. Your future selves thank you.
Sending you all love, strength, peace, and support on your journey. We all have eachother!!!
This website has been a true lifeline for me throughout my struggle to leave and stay out of my relationship with a sociopath. I wanted to give back by sharing some of the things that have brought me peace and strength.
1) Make the breakup and No Contact very clear. For your own sake.
At first, I simply stopped responding to him and calmly asked for space. Even though he was the one that had initially broken up with me and had done awful things; I found myself feel terribly guilty that I was hurting or abandoning him (us highly empathetic types make the best targets, afterall). Even though he's not playing by the rules, I still felt that I had to. When I made the breakup clear in a calm, "about me", no blame way...I felt alleviated of my guilt and any responsibility to ever speak to him again. I also made it clear that I could not handle ANY CONTACT. I did my part, so if he doesn't respect my wishes....that's on him.
2) No matter how strong we are and committed to our resolution to stay far, far away; hoovering attempts (sweet, concerned, angry, hurt, loving, desperate, passionate, gentle disguised attempts to suck us back into their sick and devastating cycle of abuse) - they get in our heads and our hearts!! That's the whole point of it! I couldn't read his words, hear his voice; NOTHING. Even if I was strong enough not to respond to it, each attempt unraveled my empathy, guilt, and love bit by bit somewhere deep down. It wears on you. The solution? DON'T SEE IT. If you have resolved #1, then remember you have no obligation or responsibility to speak to him or see him EVER AGAIN no matter what he says, twists reality and your emotions. Therefore:
-Change your phone number and be careful about who you share it with. Block him on facebook, email, and any other virtual medium where he can contact you. Just like you can't feel safe from danger in a house unless every single door, window, entrance is securely locked, you have to lock all of your virtual "doors and windows". That made me feel incredibly relieved. I no longer have to freeze in fear every time I check my inbox or hear my phone ring.
3) If moving is not an option, at least consult with the police to inform them of your situation and find out what your options are. You should not have to feel afraid in your own home.
4) Reach out to family and friends and tell them the nitty, gritty, terrible details. For me, I knew that I was committed to getting out. However, I still validate and acknowledge that - despite everything - I still love him and miss him. And that's okay. You can still love and care for someone and be right in leaving them and getting them out of your life. Anyway, by telling my loved ones the truth...I set for myself what I call my "slap trap." If I feel myself weakening or wanting to go back to him, I have a circle of people I trust who will (with love!!) smack me in the head!!
5) I started seeing a therapist with the *specific* intention made clear from the first meeting of getting out and staying out of this relationship. Some days I would just sit in her office and cry, others I would make my exit plan, others I would think about what made me susceptible to getting in this relationship in the first place. It doesn't matter. Going to see her was a weekly commitment to myself, my intention, and my healing. Just showing up meant I was still overall dedicated to getting out; despite lapses in willpower and strength. It is a process.
6) Read, read, and read some more. But you're all here...so you know that already :)
7) Validate your feelings and support wherever you are right now. Accept yourself. Be patient with yourself. You have been through so much, and it is a true sign of strength just that you are on here reaching out. If you can't function at your best right now, that's okay. If you feel terrible and stay in bed all day, that's okay. If you miss him, that's okay. The only way to get over something is to go through it. Have faith that even though it is hard right now, you are moving in the right direction and it will all heal with time.
8) Don't blame yourself for getting in the relationship....not getting out soon enough....being blind to behavior. You are not to blame here. Do try to understand how it happened so that you can look out for/prevent it in the future. Despite all the bad, try to extract just one or two good things that you took with you from the relationship. For me, my sociopath's lack of boundaries allowed me to truly open up, be myself, and feel vulnerable and intimate with someone. Of course, I chose the wrong person to bestow those gifts on. But those feelings are something I will take with me. ("If you could love the wrong person that much...imagine how much you could love the right one.") The rest, I'll leave behind thank-you-very-much!!! I also learned to trust my instincts (I had a bad feeling about him from day 1 that I chose to ignore),
Here is part of a beautiful article/blog post:
"I need to acknowledge that even though I was in a relationship that damaged me, I was also in a relationship that helped me grow. In our society we like boxes–we like someone, we hate someone, something is good, something is bad–we rarely consider nuance. We rarely hold two opposing ideas in our head and retain the ability to function. But I am who I am today because I was in a relationship with someone who was as good for me as he was bad; I grew both from how much he loved me and from how much he hurt me."
http://thoughtcatalog.com/katalina-gamarra/2015/03/its-hard-when-you-miss-your-abusive-ex/
9) Self care. Do what makes you feel good. Exercise and eating well, seeing friends, shopping. Be a friend to yourself.
10) Give yourself credit!!!! Getting out of an abusive relationship...let alone a socio/psychopathic one...is an incredibly brave thing to do. Facing the unknown, uprooting your life, and letting go of the person that -despite everything - you loved deeply takes an incredibly strong person; with enough self love to know that they deserve respect, love, and happiness in the truest sense. Your future selves thank you.
Sending you all love, strength, peace, and support on your journey. We all have eachother!!!
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