This is not aimed at any response, I just need to let off steam.

I am so pissed off with the way I am feeling. Just feel like nothing again, and I thought I was doing well. The new meds work well for my anxiety but have side effects, sore throat - yep, swollen ankes and feet - yep, headache - yep, and I just don't want to go on with one med after another, to fix the problems. Am worried like hell about my b/p going up, don't know what to expect cos have always had low blood pressure. Now a big turn around.

I had ended a relationship with a Scotsman, who is only here year to year on holiday visas, and told him it was over. I didn't like the way he treated me with such crude suggestions and comments. Although he said he understood my problems, he does not. Sure he tries, but it was just not working which is why I called it off. He has had to go back to Scotland as his visa ran out, and now they have only offered him a 3 month one. He is not accepting that and trying again for another year. After I called it off, he would come around begging me for sex, and I didn't want it, so said NO. He hardly accepts that, but went away on several occasions with his tail between his legs. Now I have just had a phone call from him, and he says "keep it wet and warm for me". Not acceptable. Can he not realize what we had is OVER. Seriously I hope he can't get a visa but I know that is cruel. He has a dog here, heaps of furniture and a car and caravan. He has to sort all that out if he is not to stay, but how can he when he can't get back? I feel for him but don't want him to think I am a bloody sperm bucket for his delight. He has left stuff with me, and all his mail comes here, and that is a good excuse to get back in the door. I don't know what I am going to do, because as far as I am concerned this is OVER!!!! I have just found help for my problems by way of a Pysch Nurse who will visit me at home, and start sorting through all the shit. I have a long history of sexual abuse and mental abuse. This guy is just adding to it and no matter what I say, he just thinks I am here for him. I have made my situation quite clear, but he can't accept it no matter what. He is an overwhelming person who tries to organize me and that just doesn't sit right. I know he cares about me and has always appeared as soon as I send out a distress signal, but ITS OVER. I don't want it anymore and I can't get through to him. No matter what I say he does not listen to ME. I feel like I am just going backwards with him in my life. I have come to the point in my life where I WANT to find ME and see who I REALLY am. I have other male friends who respect my boundaries and have never suggested going beyond them. I really don't know what to do, and feel quite anxious after the phone call. I just want to disappear.