Hi, Pamela!

OMG! You described my life/marriage in details. I didn't make a madness yet because of my son. But the abuses I'm suffering are becoming unbearable. I live with a monster.

Hi Pamela,
I know exactly what your feeling. 32 yrs ago I met an ended up marrying a guy who I thought was gonna be different from outh relationship I'd been in. But boy was I wrong, so wrong and because I didn't seem to see the red flags because I didn't think he could do no wrong. But let me tell you I have been thru the ringer , now I'm not saying I'm perfect no way am I close an I have been at fault alot also but this man is the worse kind of person anyone would want to end up with until a few years ago I didn't understand why he did things that would hurt me not physically but mentally until I Google him behavior and what came up blewy mind it was like they knew him personally he is in every word an narcissist . So people ask me why don't I leave but as you said it's not so easy to just get up an leave it's very hard there's so many things you have to consider for me our kids are all grown so that's not a problem but where will I go and with my income with is disability for being deaf is not enough to be able to pay rent utilities buy food all the things needed to survive. Our kids have there own families an are crowded themsevels so that's not an option but . 32yrs ago I was 24 and I had my looks my figure I took care of myself to look nice now I have nothing I'm so over weight I have multiple Heath issues I've lost all my teeth I'm hidious looking I'm embarrassed of what I've become an all because I did everything possible to make him happy but it was never enough so I kept trying harder and I forgot about myself an the results are what I became. I'm do unhappy with myself mostly because I let him make me this way I forgive him Everytime he did things that would make us argue I took everything he threw at. Me that hurt me that blamed me for an forgave him every time and I mean if someone knows they can get away with something Everytime they will keep doing it they use that as there defense. I just can't take it anymore but there's more to my story that's happini g now but I'll wait till I hear back sorry for the long reply I just have so much bottled up inside an no body to talk to

I feel so similar to exactly what you are describing. I am so miserable in this sham if a marriage. I cant do anything right, cant remember the last time my husband even said something remotely nice to me. I really want to find friends who can relate. Maybe together we can get relief.

Unhappyanconfused I think it'd best to accept certain things you can't change and remember that there are so many ways to better oneself at any age, and build self-esteem, have a pleasant life and be productive. Nowadays people are accomplishing a lot even in middle age or older. I know what you mean about how hard it is to leave, but I do hope you can find some time to yourself (even if finding it is tough). Speaking with trusted kids of yours (assuming you have a decent relationship with them and they aren't "on his side" so to speak) might help, even if talking to them about non serious things. I've read about about NPD too, and it sounds so hard for people who are with them. My wife has BPD which is a little different- but who are we kidding it still causes lots of stress and that "smothered" feeling. We're all in this together.

Pamela, I'm sorry to hear about your story too. I'm so grateful you started this group though. It's nice to know we're not alone. I will say that in the grand scope of things 8 years isn't "too late." Of course I don't know your exact situation, but I just hope you can find a peaceful way out - or peaceful way to cope if you stick with the marriage.

I too am unhappy and I do feel lonely. Tonight is a hard one but mostly I find ways to cope, I try to find things to love and be grateful for. I can't fix him, and maybe he doesn't need to be fixed. I can only work on me and find a way to make this life better than it is. I hope you find some light at the end of the tunnel. I know it's hard, I know it's complicated and I understand how lonely it gets. Stay strong girl.

I just joined this group because I am so depressed I needed support. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, married for 8 years, and we literally have NO marriage. We are like cordial roommates. He works his job 5 days a week then literally does nothing but play computer games. He doesn't spend any time with the kids or with me. There is ZERO intimacy in our relationship (sexual or emotional.) He even told me that he can't "predict whether he will ever want to have sex again." (What does that even mean?!) I stay at home and also go to school, have 3 kids at home, and he literally does nothing to help me with anything because he works and I should do everything else. And I mean EVERYTHING. It's insane. We got into a fight about money last night because we don't agree on the way I spend money and he said he was going to make it so I don't have access to money unless he gives it to me. Which scares me and makes me feel furious and helpless. I have no money, he has all the money and all the financial power, so I can't divorce him because I would have nowhere to go. So now I'm trapped like a rat in a cage and am so depressed I feel like I have an enormous weight physically crushing my chest. I don't even know how to act around him because I feel like our marriage is totally over even though it's not technically over, if you know what I mean. I don't know what to do.

I just found this little group. I have been married to the same man since I was 18, it has been 34 years of marital un-bliss. Honestly I knew from the beginning it wasn't going to work. I was depressed on my wedding day. I married him because... I thought it was the right thing to do. I was inexperienced, young, naive, and came from a very unhealthy home life so anything seemed better than the life I had. We worked together (he was older) we dated (he wanted to keep it secret) I was not ready for sex (he bought me a couple drinks because I was underage and I had sex with him) I got pregnant (he blamed me for getting myself pregnant). He tried to force me to have an abortion (I refused). I left him for two months, lived in my car (I didn't really have anywhere to go. He decided he wanted to get back together and I went along with it. It wasn't all horrible, we had a lot of fun, we did a lot of fun things, we got along for the most part. I don't think I was ever "In Love" with him, I sorta convinced myself I was but I just didn't know it.

He convinced me I was.

We were friends but I kinda had to trick myself into all the rest. I told myself that I was young and as I got older things would fall into place.

We had a baby, set up house, things felt ok, not wonderful, no fireworks, but ok. We had another child, bought a house, struggled financially. I stayed home but always did daycare to bring more money in, I hated it.

I went to nursing school, he cheated on me, blamed me, I left to come back home and work on being a better wife, I didn't want to be a single mom and I thought maybe he was right, I didn't love him enough and I had to try harder.

I left him for a year for another man. I had chemistry, love, fireworks, bells and whistles, but my kids were not happy, this new man wasn't ready to be a dad (to my kids), he was from the Middle East and wanted to return home and wanted me to go with him, no kids, new start, get married, have kids. He left I stayed here with my kids and reconciled with my ex to try and restore the life my kids were missing, I was pained with unbelievable guilt.

I would have a third child after my husband got a dream job and we moved again for his work. He got to do what he loved I got a baby, deal.

My second child would get brain cancer and my husband would prove that we were not on the same page, in the same boat, a partnership, people who hold each other up. He was selfish.

I was in full mama mode, trying to save my kids life, keep our home running, take care of my other two children, and deal with the pressure I got from him non stop about sex.

It was always sex. No matter what we were going through, no matter how tired I was, no matter if I was sick or injured or grieving it was always sex. Honestly I didn't enjoy sex with him but he told me over and over I did, I should, it was ok if I didn't he did and that was enough. If I didn't he would be angry, threaten to leave.

One day after my daughter died I woke up hating him. I stopped having sex with him, called his bluff, he didn't leave. I stopped caring, doing, pretending, being quiet, smiling, fake laughing, making excuses and I turned into an ugly version of my pitiful self.

I am sure he is a narcissist, but I am also sure I have turned into the worst possible person because of it.

Why have I stayed? Money. I can't earn enough to support my kids on my own. We live in an expensive area (for my husbands job) If I leave I will have to move out of state to be able to survive financially but he won't allow me to take my son. I had a child after my daughter died via IVF.

I never finished college, my life has been taking care of my family.

When my daughter died I changed, I got harder but I am also more... vulnerable.

I feel stuck, I hate living here with him, I wake up everyday angry, frustrated, resentful, hating myself for not making better choices.

I love my kids, I would do anything for them, never a regret in that regard but some days I just don't want to get out of bed and have to face the day (on weekends mostly when he is home).

I have no idea what to do. I put myself in therapy for a good long time because he convinced me that I was broken, abnormal, negative, incapable of understanding and existing in a healthy relationship.

In therapy I learned I wasn't crazy but I had been manipulated for so long by a narcissist that I lost my identity, I loss my sense of reality, if you are told something enough times you start to believe it, and I believed I was cold and unlovable, that he was the only one who would ever love me anyway.

I know better now but still I am stuck here.

I would love to start over on my own but I am in my 50's with a kid in tow, no real skills, and little late in life to go back to college (you are never too old to learn but you can be too old to be collecting student debt only to graduate and enter the workforce, assuming someone would hire me only to reach retirement age shortly after).

I do work but I don't earn enough to take care of myself and a little.

Thank you for sharing Pamela, my story is exactly the same. Married this man out of desperation as a single mother, but wasn't really in love with him, and knew he had faults that would drive me nuts. Afraid to leave because I can't financially support myself (working on this) and because I don't want to break the family up. Kids are really attached. Get really depressed when I picture the next 20 years in the same sexless marriage where I can't even sleep in the same room with him. I talked to a therapist yesterday, but all I got was condescension and was told to go on antidepressants.

This is all so sad. My heart breaks for you all. I think we are all here because we are on the same boat. We all feel like no amount of effort is good enough to make it work on our marriage. You are not alone. Marriage is hard, and that's an understatement. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and if there is no compromise between the 2, then there is misery and unhappiness.