I feel underappreciated all the time. Underappreciated for all the time and effort I have put in this committment. I thought I knew my worth, but every day I feel like I am worthless, that I have no value. My spouse makes me feel like I am a nobody, that I don't matter, that I am not important. My spouse constantly reminds me of how I am a lousy professional, and how I need help, but refuses to go with me to get help. I go to a therapist on my own because I have been from time to time throughout all these years. My spouse says to me I look hideous, that he wasted 30k on surgeries so I could look acceptable. I don't know what kind of mental image he has on his head of what I should look like, but I have gone through at least 4 or 5 different major surgeries to look better for him. I have gone to the gym for years, daily, at 5am on fasting cardio, I have always done an effort to please him and his mental image of what I should look like, but it's never enough. My spouse belittles me, does not give me a piece of chocolate, even if he has 4 or 5 in hand, he will eat some of my food just so that I don't eat "that much". It's never enough. 

I have told him I live in misery, that I am unhappy, that I feel stuck because of our kids, I've told him he does not take me into account and completely disregards me or my feelings, he does not validate how I feel and calls me ridiculous. When I just come out of surgery and look great while I recover, he loves me and treats me nice. As soon as things start to change and settle, and my body doesn't get to the "results" that he envisioned they should be upon recovery, then he is an asshole to me and treats me like garbage. He tells me he doesn't like me at all, and that he won't have sex with me or enjoy it. 

I've told him any which way to go to therapy with me, to go see a counselor that can explain things so he can get a better understanding of where I'm coming from when I say he does not value me or my worth, that I am only as good as I look to him, that he does not take me into account, does not check in on me to see how I'm doing, and could care less about how I feel. He absolutely refuses to "go pay someone to tell him how wrong he is". When he is home, he doesn't clean up after himself, he doesn't take initiative in cleaning up after the kids, he doesn't pick up the slack around the house. 

The kicker was today when he said he is only with me because he knows that if he ever tried to leave me, that I would make it my life's mission to make his life a living hell and to ruin him. He says that he belives that if I can't have him, no one can. Like, really?? I have no idea how the heck he got taht impression. How could I live with someone like that !? I can't deal with this anymore. I am so miserable, so unhappy. I am ready to have someone care for me, I'm ready for someone to care about me, to see the value in me as a person, as a woman, as a mother, as a wife, as a partner, as a roommate even. I'm ready to feel validated, like I matter and that I am of importance in someone's life. I'm ready to feel loved, and for someone to love me for who I am and what I can bring to the table, not for how I look. I am not hideous. I am a fantastic mother. I am a professional. I have a career. I am a great house wife and partner. I take care of my finances. I have excellent credit. I volunteer in my community. I give to others and donate my time. I help a friend in need. I am so many things that he cannot see or cherish.

I am so done. I can't live the rest of my life with a person that could care less about me or my well being, and I cannot live life with someone who won't shed a tear if I were to not be on this Earth. I cannot be made to feel expendable because I am not. I am unique and very valuable. There is no one else like me and never will be. I am not perfect, but I am worthy of love and happiness. I say these affirmations hoping to believe them deep in my heart, because I have no one to reassure me or validate any of it. All I have is my kids who are 8 and 6 years old. They would care about me. But I have no one else... I have nowhere to turn to in case I am in trouble one day, and if something were to happen to me, no one would know and no one would care (other than my kids).