Understanding Betrayal Community Group
Traumatic events, such as natural disasters and criminal attacks shatter assumptions about our sense of safety in the world. In a similiar way, the discovery of infidelity is devastating because it shatters basic assumptions about the security we expect in committed relationships. This group is open to anyone. It's a place to share, learn, and talk freely. Let's...
Hello,
I’ve never done anything like this before, so I’m giving it a shot. I’m really hoping to gain some insight, encouragement, and support through this strange chapter in my life. I’ve been married to my husband for about 3.5 years, we didn’t really date that long before we got married. I was young, and probably more than a little naive over the what the concept of marriage really was.
When I met A, I was just coming out of a really hard time in my life. About 4-5 months before the guy that I had just recently broken up with committed suicide when I refused to get back together with him. This man was all of my firsts - my first love, my first “boyfriend”, etc... After he passed I took it really hard, there was so much guilt inside of me. I went down a very dark path - I slept around, drank a lot, took RXs recreationally - anything to numb the pain.
As I said, I was just working myself out of all this with the help of some amazing and Godly friends when I met A. He was what I needed - someone who was fun, full of conversation, easy going. We hit it off right from the start. At first, I thought of him as just another conquest - not being fully recovered from my wild ways, but when we went out on our first date we had dinner, talked until the wee hours of the morning, kissed a bit and that was that. This went on for a few months, I learned he himself had just gotten out disastrous relationship - both cheated on each other a couple of times. This was a bit of a red flag to me, but I thought well if they both had cheated obviously there were serious holes in their relationship. Neither of us were looking for something serious, we just wanted some companionship, someone to have fun with.
A few months later, things started getting more serious. We talked about marriage pretty nonchalantly, but nothing too serious. He wanted to drive across five states just to meet my parents, after him showing that much love and initiative I was completely smitten. Another few months after that we moved in together, and then another couple of months from there we were engaged and married.
During our time of dating, a very close friend of mine had told me that he knew a girl who had been talking about A, said that she had slept with him, etc. A had a lot of girls who he hung out with just as friends, and until hearing this I never though anything about it. I confronted A to only get denials, and wrote it off as misinformation, rumors, etc. After we moved in together I started to get a little suspicious, he had a girl over to hang while I wasn’t there - which I was not OK with. And that led me to checking through his phone one night while he was asleep. I found a couple text messages and some nude photos. We of course fought about it, he claimed it was nothing and that he would stop. That he loved me too much to let this continue.
After we got engaged I thought it would stop - it didn’t. I would still find things from different women, by this point I was checking his phone pretty regularly. Each time it was a promise that he wouldn’t do it again, he would cry, beg, etc... and every time I believed him. I thought that after we got married, maybe that would be enough to stop the sexting and the images - he wanted marriage so much, I thought maybe he just needs that level of commitment to feel truly secure. Obviously, it wasn’t enough either.
Now, we’re here. I’ve found porn, sexting, fake emails, accounts on things like lush stories, emails to several women, photos, photos and more photos. June of this year, I kicked him out, was looking at getting a lawyer, etc. His parents - who are very Godly and whom I love/respect dearly, but also very blind to the severity of their son’s issues (even though i’ve gone to them time again for help) begged me to take him back, that they would support me, help me get him to some sort of counseling, etc. A was as repentant as he always is, but there did really seem to be a change from the normal cries for forgiveness. He promised he would go to a marriage counselor with me, give me all of his passwords to his phone, facebook, etc (he had them all pass coded by this point), and that he would give me the time and space to consider it all. After a week of me taking time alone to think I allowed him to move back home under the condition that we would go to counseling and he would relinquish the pass codes.
It’s now October, he is now saying that he doesn’t think that we need counseling, he (after months of nagging) has now given me a pw. Every time I bring up counseling, and getting he (and I) some help, he rejects it, saying that the only issues that we have between us is my trust issues (???), and has even gone so far to say that he doesn’t even feel that the texts, pictures, emails, etc can even be classified as “cheating” but more so just inappropriate behavior. I’m a little techie, so I have viewed his cache on his computer and seen some porn sites, some private browsing, etc in the last few months or so. Porn doesn’t really bother me too much, I’ve always just kind of written it off as a dude thing, but I know it’s a slippery slope for someone with a problem. If he’s cheated once, he’ll do it again right?
I’m tired of driving myself crazy over all of this, since June I’ve been struggling with feeling depressed, achy, tired. I’ve thought about seeking help for myself alone, but I know that me and my hurts are only half of the battle. Am I an idiot for staying? Thinking that he can change? Am I fair for thinking him a sex addict if all he does is have sex conversations through text and email? I very truly love my husband, we have our problems (outside of this) but I do believe that he loves me too.
Add to this, since we’ve gotten married, and we’ve been fighting through all of this I have gained over 80 lbs. I don’t whether it’s through stress, depression, or hormonal changes. What i do know is that this makes me feel even more unconfident, self-doubtful, less desirable from him. Our sex life is almost non-existent, I rarely want to with him and he even more rarely wants to with me. I don’t know if this has to do with all of the guilt and hurt that we’ve gone through, if we’re just in the natural course of the bedroom of marriage or if we’re simply not “in love” with each other anymore. I still have sexual desires, so (embarrassing as it is to admit on many levels) for a long time now I have pleasured myself just to fulfill that carnal desire.
All of this has left me feeling so hollow - I feel completely empty of anything good. The only emotions I feel are anger, regret, guilt, and a deep sadness that is so, so numbing and physically/mentally exhausting. Not everyday is bad, A and I still enjoy each others company, but I feel like I have to fake so much. Every time he stays up late, is glued to his phone, or is too friendly to a girl (whether it’s someone we know or not) I feel a wave of jealousy and mistrust come over me.
I’m so sorry for the lengthy, possibly too informative message here. I suppose I have needed to write this out for a long while. I hope someone will respond, it would be great to not feel so alone.
I’ve never done anything like this before, so I’m giving it a shot. I’m really hoping to gain some insight, encouragement, and support through this strange chapter in my life. I’ve been married to my husband for about 3.5 years, we didn’t really date that long before we got married. I was young, and probably more than a little naive over the what the concept of marriage really was.
When I met A, I was just coming out of a really hard time in my life. About 4-5 months before the guy that I had just recently broken up with committed suicide when I refused to get back together with him. This man was all of my firsts - my first love, my first “boyfriend”, etc... After he passed I took it really hard, there was so much guilt inside of me. I went down a very dark path - I slept around, drank a lot, took RXs recreationally - anything to numb the pain.
As I said, I was just working myself out of all this with the help of some amazing and Godly friends when I met A. He was what I needed - someone who was fun, full of conversation, easy going. We hit it off right from the start. At first, I thought of him as just another conquest - not being fully recovered from my wild ways, but when we went out on our first date we had dinner, talked until the wee hours of the morning, kissed a bit and that was that. This went on for a few months, I learned he himself had just gotten out disastrous relationship - both cheated on each other a couple of times. This was a bit of a red flag to me, but I thought well if they both had cheated obviously there were serious holes in their relationship. Neither of us were looking for something serious, we just wanted some companionship, someone to have fun with.
A few months later, things started getting more serious. We talked about marriage pretty nonchalantly, but nothing too serious. He wanted to drive across five states just to meet my parents, after him showing that much love and initiative I was completely smitten. Another few months after that we moved in together, and then another couple of months from there we were engaged and married.
During our time of dating, a very close friend of mine had told me that he knew a girl who had been talking about A, said that she had slept with him, etc. A had a lot of girls who he hung out with just as friends, and until hearing this I never though anything about it. I confronted A to only get denials, and wrote it off as misinformation, rumors, etc. After we moved in together I started to get a little suspicious, he had a girl over to hang while I wasn’t there - which I was not OK with. And that led me to checking through his phone one night while he was asleep. I found a couple text messages and some nude photos. We of course fought about it, he claimed it was nothing and that he would stop. That he loved me too much to let this continue.
After we got engaged I thought it would stop - it didn’t. I would still find things from different women, by this point I was checking his phone pretty regularly. Each time it was a promise that he wouldn’t do it again, he would cry, beg, etc... and every time I believed him. I thought that after we got married, maybe that would be enough to stop the sexting and the images - he wanted marriage so much, I thought maybe he just needs that level of commitment to feel truly secure. Obviously, it wasn’t enough either.
Now, we’re here. I’ve found porn, sexting, fake emails, accounts on things like lush stories, emails to several women, photos, photos and more photos. June of this year, I kicked him out, was looking at getting a lawyer, etc. His parents - who are very Godly and whom I love/respect dearly, but also very blind to the severity of their son’s issues (even though i’ve gone to them time again for help) begged me to take him back, that they would support me, help me get him to some sort of counseling, etc. A was as repentant as he always is, but there did really seem to be a change from the normal cries for forgiveness. He promised he would go to a marriage counselor with me, give me all of his passwords to his phone, facebook, etc (he had them all pass coded by this point), and that he would give me the time and space to consider it all. After a week of me taking time alone to think I allowed him to move back home under the condition that we would go to counseling and he would relinquish the pass codes.
It’s now October, he is now saying that he doesn’t think that we need counseling, he (after months of nagging) has now given me a pw. Every time I bring up counseling, and getting he (and I) some help, he rejects it, saying that the only issues that we have between us is my trust issues (???), and has even gone so far to say that he doesn’t even feel that the texts, pictures, emails, etc can even be classified as “cheating” but more so just inappropriate behavior. I’m a little techie, so I have viewed his cache on his computer and seen some porn sites, some private browsing, etc in the last few months or so. Porn doesn’t really bother me too much, I’ve always just kind of written it off as a dude thing, but I know it’s a slippery slope for someone with a problem. If he’s cheated once, he’ll do it again right?
I’m tired of driving myself crazy over all of this, since June I’ve been struggling with feeling depressed, achy, tired. I’ve thought about seeking help for myself alone, but I know that me and my hurts are only half of the battle. Am I an idiot for staying? Thinking that he can change? Am I fair for thinking him a sex addict if all he does is have sex conversations through text and email? I very truly love my husband, we have our problems (outside of this) but I do believe that he loves me too.
Add to this, since we’ve gotten married, and we’ve been fighting through all of this I have gained over 80 lbs. I don’t whether it’s through stress, depression, or hormonal changes. What i do know is that this makes me feel even more unconfident, self-doubtful, less desirable from him. Our sex life is almost non-existent, I rarely want to with him and he even more rarely wants to with me. I don’t know if this has to do with all of the guilt and hurt that we’ve gone through, if we’re just in the natural course of the bedroom of marriage or if we’re simply not “in love” with each other anymore. I still have sexual desires, so (embarrassing as it is to admit on many levels) for a long time now I have pleasured myself just to fulfill that carnal desire.
All of this has left me feeling so hollow - I feel completely empty of anything good. The only emotions I feel are anger, regret, guilt, and a deep sadness that is so, so numbing and physically/mentally exhausting. Not everyday is bad, A and I still enjoy each others company, but I feel like I have to fake so much. Every time he stays up late, is glued to his phone, or is too friendly to a girl (whether it’s someone we know or not) I feel a wave of jealousy and mistrust come over me.
I’m so sorry for the lengthy, possibly too informative message here. I suppose I have needed to write this out for a long while. I hope someone will respond, it would be great to not feel so alone.
wackymacky
Hello, I don't believe that do it once , they will do it again!!!! I believe the person has to want to change!!! You can't force it - he has to be them who wants help. Don't get into the rut as it's your lack of trust!!! Remember an action causes a reaction. There are trigger for the person who was lied to or feels betrayed. Don't feel guilty you have done nothing wrong. Think long and hard are you willing to forgive it will take time. But it's his problems. Talk with some is is not prat of the problems....like his parents wit him there and let them know things haven't changed - he has no sort of help. But that you wanted them and him to know the jury you feel cause his actions and promises seem to belittle you and hurt you that them know how much you are depressed, sad etc. ask him if you were doing it would he would be ok with it. There is no I in team. And before he does or says anything to think of that I in team that is NOT. Ig he know it would you or I should say if you were doing it behind his back then he shouldn't bring it into the team. Marriage takes two and both parties have to work at it. Regardless of the out come. The last thing to remember is it's your choice how you react to someone else's action. You are no good to anyone or anything if you are not good to yourself. I hope this gives you some strength and faith.
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