I think we all feel this way at first. There are so many questions and seemingly no answers. In my case it has gotten better with time. I am 11 months post d-day. I can go weeks at a time and everything is fine, then one trigger will have me crying uncontrollably. In my case I don't think my H ever loved me any less; we just drifted apart for a number of reasons and we weren't as connected as we should have been for some time. There were many things that factored into him falling into temptation; our lack of intimacy and a healthy sex life was one thing. Not that I blame myself - he didn't have to take the bait the OW threw him - but he was vulnerable nonetheless and that did not help matters. I know he will never stray again because we have a solid relationship now, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Still, the fact that for a time he was feeling desire for someone other than me hurts! It hurts a lot! But it's getting better. I know we will move beyond this and we will both have grown better for it.

Of course knowing that he could make love to someone else hurts. I'm THREE YEARS past d-day and it still disgusts me. I know that I will never be the same, whereas he believes HE has made huge strides in becoming the man he can be. Unfortunately, it was at my expense. I used to be a loving, trusting person. That person is gone. I miss her, but I know that I can't be that again. The innocence is gone. The fact that for those months, chose to be with someone else when he has admitted that it was all his fault and that I didn't deserve what he did. What do I do with that? He was an admitted A-hole. He has grown better for it. I have learned how people can treat each other who claim to love. It was a hard and sad lesson for me to learn. I was TOTALLY in love and loved BEING in love.

I am 16 months past day. IMO I will never get over the loss I feel. I will probably feel the loss less intensely over time but he choose someone over me and I will never feel the same about our relationship. Like need help the innocence is gone:(

He is still here, but I still feel like I lost my best friend. The intimacy is gone. He is no longer 'mine' because he was hers for a while. The spell is broken.

I'm in the midst of feeling exactly like ronidk. He wants me to be honest and talk about what bothers me, but I can't bring myself to do it. If you talk to the cheater about it, what do you tell and what do you keep close to the vest? For example, when he tells me he can't have lunch because he is doing something for a client during his lunch break - I wonder if he really is, or is he in a hotel room with some overweight insecure young college student again? When he tells me he doesn't have money, I wonder if he spent it on some other woman.

He has completely taken responsibility, and acknowledges he deserves my ire, but that doesn't bring the trust back. I can't keep going like this. The thing is, if I leave, I will still have to deal with this - the pain, the betrayal, the absolute unwillingness to trust won't leave just because he's not around any more. I'm four months past dday and I'm hoping it will get better with time.

Hi sahmcarter, 4 months after my post, it does get better. Don't think the hurt ever totally goes away, but it does lessen. Yes the innocence and complete security I had in him is forever gone, and for that I will always feel sad. But we are working thru it and getting stronger each day. Hugs to you.

Ronidk, you are right. The innocence and security are gone forever. Its so sad. I used to feel so good about him and about us. Now its 'BLAH'. so what. nothing special. He took something that could have been SO beautiful and made it trash. He will never have me totally. I will never be 'his' ever again. Men are so stupid. I hope the piece of a__ was worth it.

How you get past it is to Truly Forgive. I am in no way mimimizing your pain, however true forgivness is the only way to stop what you are feeling. Remaining a victim of your circumstances only perpetuates the pain and misery. I have been there and speak from my own experience. You know you have forgiven when the pain is gone and you can look that person in the eye, no longer making them feel guilty and just be love. I don't think men are stupid, we all make mistakes and I am lesbian. I am not suggesting that you allow yourself to be disrespected, but if you have made the choice to stay in the relationship, then truly forgive him or move on with your life....and still forgive him/her. I wish you peace in your heart and the ability and capacity to heal and forgive.
Ayana