Twelve Steps of Forgiveness by Paul Ferrini Community Group
The Twelve Steps of Forgiveness offers us a process for unlearning our ego-based search for perfection and discovering the inner beauty, guidance, and grace that already exist in our lives. It enables us to honor others and establish healthy boundaries that prevent manipulation and co-dependency, so that we can discover the place of peace within. It is a book you will...
I will be starting 12-steps of Forgiveness in my home again soon. I feel it's such a powerful book, it's needs to be taught again. I have studied this book 5 yrs. or more and every time I pick it up, it's like I am reading it for the first time. I love Step 2.
Step 2 – UNDERSTAND THAT IT’S LOVE THAT YOU WANT
I think that I want more money, or more sex, or more recognition, or better health, but it’s love I really want. I think that I will be right if I prove you wrong, but it’s love I really want. I think I’ll feel better if you are punished for your sin, but it’s love I really want. All I really want, my friend, is for you to love me. If I was sure of your love, the rest would be okay. Somehow, I would find a way to accept the rest and work with it. Those of us who have looked for perfection have had to learn the hard way that it just does not exist. Other people are not here to make us happy. They are here to help us learn. Beneath this dimly remembered goal there is the memory of a love that binds us all. We are here to love and to learn. We are not here to force learning or loving, but to let each lead naturally to the other. When one is present, the other is as well. So, life doesn’t always go my way. Sometimes I want you to please me and you are in my life to help me wake-up. You are here to help me learn to take responsibility. We do this dance where I keep trying to get you to give me what I want and you keep dancing away. I begin to think that you don’t love me. I begin to resent you. I feel angry because I think you intentionally refuse to meet my needs. But you are not here to meet my needs. You are here to show me my needs so I can learn to meet them myself. This is your purpose and when you fulfill it, you set us both free. You know, I think I want you to meet my needs, but that’s not really true. I want you to meet your needs. I want you to be happy. I just need to know that, if you move away from me, you are not rejecting me. I just need to know that you love me…When I know that, I won’t stand in your way. In fact, I’ll open the door and wish you well. I don’t want to be the person who keeps you against your will. And I don’t want to be kept against mine. I know that we are all free to choose. I just need to know that, whatever choice you make, you still love me. That is my child needs. And even though I keep getting older, that child does not go away. If anything, he/she just gets bigger and bolder in my heart. He learns to ask for what he needs. He is no longer ashamed to ask….He used to try to manipulate and control and badger to get his/her way. But that was because he wasn’t listened to. Now that he knows that I listen, he asks for very simple things.
In my pain, my confusion, my hurt, my sadness, I just need to know that I am loved. If I know I am loved, the pain begins to fade. The separation is gradually bridged. Something happens when I know that I am loved. But it can’t happen until I know that love is what I want and I have the courage to ask for it. My feelings are an inner communication to me that I am not feeling loving toward myself and others. I have over- or under- extended myself, allowed myself to be stepped on or stepped on someone else’s toes. I am not feeling loved. I am not feeling loving. That is what I must recognize. And then, when I recognize it, I must decide that love is what I want. I cannot continue on the journey of forgiveness unless right now I decide that love is what I want. Yes, it is ok to feel my pain, but feeling my pain is just telling me that love is what I want. Feeling separate, angry, guilty, envious, sad just tells me love is what I want.
The incredible thing is that when I do not justify or condemn my feelings they may lead me to an emptiness that can only be filled by love. And that love always begins in my own heart. Your love may join with it, but I cannot depend on your love. Love enters when I begin to love myself. And love enters when I begin to love you.
So step Two helps me recognize that I want love and I can give it to myself. That recognition sets the next one in motion.
Step 2 – UNDERSTAND THAT IT’S LOVE THAT YOU WANT
I think that I want more money, or more sex, or more recognition, or better health, but it’s love I really want. I think that I will be right if I prove you wrong, but it’s love I really want. I think I’ll feel better if you are punished for your sin, but it’s love I really want. All I really want, my friend, is for you to love me. If I was sure of your love, the rest would be okay. Somehow, I would find a way to accept the rest and work with it. Those of us who have looked for perfection have had to learn the hard way that it just does not exist. Other people are not here to make us happy. They are here to help us learn. Beneath this dimly remembered goal there is the memory of a love that binds us all. We are here to love and to learn. We are not here to force learning or loving, but to let each lead naturally to the other. When one is present, the other is as well. So, life doesn’t always go my way. Sometimes I want you to please me and you are in my life to help me wake-up. You are here to help me learn to take responsibility. We do this dance where I keep trying to get you to give me what I want and you keep dancing away. I begin to think that you don’t love me. I begin to resent you. I feel angry because I think you intentionally refuse to meet my needs. But you are not here to meet my needs. You are here to show me my needs so I can learn to meet them myself. This is your purpose and when you fulfill it, you set us both free. You know, I think I want you to meet my needs, but that’s not really true. I want you to meet your needs. I want you to be happy. I just need to know that, if you move away from me, you are not rejecting me. I just need to know that you love me…When I know that, I won’t stand in your way. In fact, I’ll open the door and wish you well. I don’t want to be the person who keeps you against your will. And I don’t want to be kept against mine. I know that we are all free to choose. I just need to know that, whatever choice you make, you still love me. That is my child needs. And even though I keep getting older, that child does not go away. If anything, he/she just gets bigger and bolder in my heart. He learns to ask for what he needs. He is no longer ashamed to ask….He used to try to manipulate and control and badger to get his/her way. But that was because he wasn’t listened to. Now that he knows that I listen, he asks for very simple things.
In my pain, my confusion, my hurt, my sadness, I just need to know that I am loved. If I know I am loved, the pain begins to fade. The separation is gradually bridged. Something happens when I know that I am loved. But it can’t happen until I know that love is what I want and I have the courage to ask for it. My feelings are an inner communication to me that I am not feeling loving toward myself and others. I have over- or under- extended myself, allowed myself to be stepped on or stepped on someone else’s toes. I am not feeling loved. I am not feeling loving. That is what I must recognize. And then, when I recognize it, I must decide that love is what I want. I cannot continue on the journey of forgiveness unless right now I decide that love is what I want. Yes, it is ok to feel my pain, but feeling my pain is just telling me that love is what I want. Feeling separate, angry, guilty, envious, sad just tells me love is what I want.
The incredible thing is that when I do not justify or condemn my feelings they may lead me to an emptiness that can only be filled by love. And that love always begins in my own heart. Your love may join with it, but I cannot depend on your love. Love enters when I begin to love myself. And love enters when I begin to love you.
So step Two helps me recognize that I want love and I can give it to myself. That recognition sets the next one in motion.
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