Twelve Steps of Forgiveness by Paul Ferrini Community Group
The Twelve Steps of Forgiveness offers us a process for unlearning our ego-based search for perfection and discovering the inner beauty, guidance, and grace that already exist in our lives. It enables us to honor others and establish healthy boundaries that prevent manipulation and co-dependency, so that we can discover the place of peace within. It is a book you will...
Forgiveness is a concept very few of us understand. We think that our biggest challenge is to forgive others for what they have done to us. But that is only the icing on the cake.
It is easy to forgive others when you have already forgiven yourself. But it’s impossible to forgive others if you have not forgiven yourself. The process of forgiveness starts in your own heart. It has very little to do with others.
When I forgive myself, it is not hard for me to forgive you. If I can remove the sting of blame and shame from my own heart, I can offer that gift to you. If I can see my own innocence, I can see yours too.
Most of us keep trying to back into forgiveness. We attempt to forgive other people before forgiving ourselves. That creates a real problem, because not everyone wants to be forgiven. Some people refuse to be forgiven. Some people even refuse to believe they are guilty!
Did you ever try to forgive someone who didn’t believe he/she was guilty? It’s impossible! No matter how hard you try, he/she just won’t let you.
Then there are the people who feel guilty all the time. They keep coming up to you and begging your pardon, but you just can’t bring yourself to forgive them!
Even when you realize that you are the one in need of forgiveness, you can still put the cart before the horse. You can ask someone else to forgive you, a friend perhaps, a priest or rabbi, perhaps even God. But that doesn’t work either. You can be forgiven by hundreds of people, indeed forgiven by divine right, but it doesn’t matter if you haven’t forgiven yourself.
It just doesn’t work to start outside of ourselves with this process. Starting outside is just our way of beating around the bush and beating ourselves up in the process. It doesn’t open the door to our hearts. That door opens only when we realize that we are the ones who feel upset. We are the ones who feel guilty. We are the ones who attack and justify our attack. We are the ones who need forgiveness. And no one else can give it to us.
So, the first axiom of forgiveness is that it comes from within. It’s something you must do for yourself before you can demonstrate it to others.
It is easy to forgive others when you have already forgiven yourself. But it’s impossible to forgive others if you have not forgiven yourself. The process of forgiveness starts in your own heart. It has very little to do with others.
When I forgive myself, it is not hard for me to forgive you. If I can remove the sting of blame and shame from my own heart, I can offer that gift to you. If I can see my own innocence, I can see yours too.
Most of us keep trying to back into forgiveness. We attempt to forgive other people before forgiving ourselves. That creates a real problem, because not everyone wants to be forgiven. Some people refuse to be forgiven. Some people even refuse to believe they are guilty!
Did you ever try to forgive someone who didn’t believe he/she was guilty? It’s impossible! No matter how hard you try, he/she just won’t let you.
Then there are the people who feel guilty all the time. They keep coming up to you and begging your pardon, but you just can’t bring yourself to forgive them!
Even when you realize that you are the one in need of forgiveness, you can still put the cart before the horse. You can ask someone else to forgive you, a friend perhaps, a priest or rabbi, perhaps even God. But that doesn’t work either. You can be forgiven by hundreds of people, indeed forgiven by divine right, but it doesn’t matter if you haven’t forgiven yourself.
It just doesn’t work to start outside of ourselves with this process. Starting outside is just our way of beating around the bush and beating ourselves up in the process. It doesn’t open the door to our hearts. That door opens only when we realize that we are the ones who feel upset. We are the ones who feel guilty. We are the ones who attack and justify our attack. We are the ones who need forgiveness. And no one else can give it to us.
So, the first axiom of forgiveness is that it comes from within. It’s something you must do for yourself before you can demonstrate it to others.
I must say, putting everything back onto myself rather than projecting outward is quite refreshing.
rick
It is an interesting topic to contemplate. All my inner judging about others probably goes on because of the walls I build up around me to protect myself. I could take down the walls, including the judging of others, by forgiving myself right?