For me, I knew for a long time that I needed to forgive myself. I think it was so hard for me to do this as for such a long time I had little or no self esteem. Hard to think I could forgive myself when I didn't think I 'deserved' to be forgiven...by myself. Also...I think I may have believed I needed to 'suffer' for being 'bad' even though I didn't do anything bad...some pretty crummy stuff happened to me although it didn't matter who was in the situation...could have been anyone...I happened to be the one there. I think that was 'ego' getting in there and messing up my thinking and feeling.

For me, I have to work through the guilt that I deserved to be treated badly somehow, that I MUST be at fault for SOMETHING to be punished like I was (in this case I wasn't physically abused). It could be my allergies that my mom couldn't have "fixed", or that I was defective because of them. Kids assume the blame for every punishment, for not being pleasing enough (this is where we get the co-dependent habit of people-pleasing and agreeing with our punishers!) to avoid punishment; when in fact it was solely the actions and choices of the perpetrators that caused our punishment, not us. We were their 'trigger'. We assumed we were bad because we were punished; and that assumption may have been wrong, it may have been an example of "Reaction Formation" as a defense mechanism of the parent: they were tired, hurt, angry, fearful, about something or someone else, some negative fantasy created in their own mind and beliefs, that caused the event.

Maybe it's not that she can't forgive herself, it's that she won't! She refuses to. Maybe she can't acknowledge her anger, it being in conflict with her compassion for her mother, who she wants to love, but can't because of her abuse. I suggest she feel her anger, if there is any, for bring abused even though she may have been innocent of whatever identity her mother expected if her.

Rich

For me personally, I have come to realize that I have never given myself things like compassion and forgiveness. I was not taught these things. I do not believe I have ever truly extended compassion and forgiveness to others. As I gradually learn to give myself compassion and forgiveness, I am learning what it feels like and finally starting to feel it toward others as well.