My partner and I started dating 5 years ago. He used female pronouns at the time. Two weeks into out relationship, he told me he thought he was trans. I didn't really care (I had primarily dated men before that), and I was at the point in my life where I realized gender isn't something that can be easily categorized.
We were really perfect together. Honestly, I've never been happier. We were dating long distance and flying back and forth to see eachother. Then one day, about a year and a half into it, he decided it was happening too quickly and he wasn't ready to move in together, so we took a step back. He was starting to transition, and I figured he just needed some space, so I gave it to him. I moved to the other side of the world for a year and a half.
While I was gone, we kept in close contact. I was happy to be traveling and living my own life, but the core of me was incredibly sad. Every time we spoke we would talk about how horrible it felt to be apart and how it wasn't right. It was like the part in romantic movies where the two main characters break up for a minute and you see a montage of how life isn't the same when they're apart and you just know it will end with them together.
A year and a half later, I decided to come back to the states. My partner and I discussed moving in together. Once we actually started to plan it, he freaked out and started questioning everything. We worked through it and eventually moved in together.
We have been living together over the past two years. I was with my partner through his top surgery, and did everything I can to be supportive. It was a relief to finally be together, and everything was great for the first year. But then life set in. We both work 9-5 jobs that get stressful and it definitely takes a toll on our relationship. However, no matter how hard it gets, we always say we are just so happy to be together.
Then, three months ago, my partner started feeling really depressed, began seeing a therapist, and then he decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist. A few days before he was supposed to go to the psychiatrist, he went out drinking with a friend. He came home wasted, and went right to bed. The next day, when I got home from work, he sat me down and said we needed to talk. He went on to say that he got incredibly drunk and didn't remember anything from the night before, but that he did remember at one point performing oral sex on an old man with a cane who had followed him into the bathroom (I'm including the old man with a cane part, because my partner is 27, and it all just seemed very out of character for him).
I was shocked, but the whole thing seemed really odd. I was really concerned about his mental health, but also about his sexuality. My partner had always been bi (and had been with men in the past), so I asked him if he thought this had to do with him wanting to be with men. He assured me that it was absolutely not the case.
My partner immediately got tested and was able to expedite his psychiatrist appointment. That is when he found out he was inaccurately diagnosed as ADHD (and was on adderall, which can cause psychosis). At that time, he was also diagnosed with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. Sexual promiscuity is very common in people with bipolar disorder when they are experiencing mania, so even though I was still heartbroken, I started to understand a little more.
We decided to take it day by day and see what happened. My partner has done everything right: martial arts, therapy, accupuncture, no clubbing, etc. and I started going to therapy too. Even though he's been depressed, I was starting to get over the events that happened. We were still having careful sex, because we wanted to wait 3 months for all of his test results to be completely sure before we went back to normal.
Then, last week my partner sat me down again and said we needed to talk (UGH, the worst). He told me that he's been feeling distant lately, and feels like he's putting space between us in his mind. It has now been 2 years of us living together, and he has traditionally gone through a period of doubt around this time of year. I brought up the fact that he has also self-destructed every relationship he's ever been in at the 2 year mark. He agreed, and said this could just be a bad pattern of his. Then, he went on to tell me that he feels like ever since he transitioned, he feels like his sexuality shifted and he "thinks of guys as humans". He told me that in the past if he slept with guys, it was just sex, but now he is a man, and feels like there could be potential for a romantic relationship. One thing I also reminded him was that after every break up he's had (he has always dated women), he immediately has sex with a guy, but then realizes he doesn't romantically like guys. He said that was true but that he is also different now, due to being trans. My partner assured me that he is still attracted to me and is in love with me, but doesn't know if his sexuality will continue to shift to the point where he will only want to date men.
As of now, the plan is for both of us to continue to see our therapists and to get a couple's therapist. My partner is also going to start medication, after his therapist recently told him that all of her her stable patients are on meds.
I am so confused about EVERYTHING, but mostly about the sexuality part. I remember when my partner and I started dating (he identified as female at the time), I started noticing girls more and thinking "Wow, I could really date anyone because I don't care about gender". So, part of me thinks this could be him reintroducing himself to the world and figuring out how to relate to men. Also, I don't care if he likes men too, but if he stops liking women, that would be a problem. I'm slightly offended because he's always told me gender didn't matter to him, but now it potentially could?
For right now he isn't sure if this is happening because he is trans or because he is unstanble and trying to mentally put space between us. He told me that after telling me everything he felt a lot better, but now I just feel completely lost. We live together in a 1 bedroom apartment, so I'm not sure if I should leave or what. I really don't want to jump to conclusions and break up if this is just a rough patch, but I also don't want to stay in this relationship and put more energy in to it if he is ultimately gay. We have tried breaking up in the past and it felt terrible for both of us. I think if we do break up, I will need to cut all ties to move on, so I want to be sure it's the right decision. He's going away this week, and I'm hoping it wil give me some time and space to think about what I need. I guess all I can do is wait, I'm just wondering if anyone has ever been in a similar situation or has any advice. There are so many dimensions to our current state: trans, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, sexuality, and any advice I can find really only mentions one or two of those elements.