The one person I know I hate from my childhood is Sam- the schizophrenic guy my mom married when I was 5. I always hated him from the beginning. My sister hated him too. She told me I never had to call him dad. I never did. Even while my mom dated him he scared me. He was on meds at the time but still something was not right about him. The creepy big doll he got me for Xmas always scared me. Mom made me keep it on my bed. The having to stand next to the dead deer he brought in from hunting when I was young disturbed me. Almost like, "I can do thing to a deer, don't cross me." While on meds he did take me fishing once but did nothing but yell at me. He also took me over to his sisters- at least there I could go to the park and play.

Once he was off the meds all hell came to roost at home. He hit when trying to show you how to do something if you were not getting it right. He always threatened violence at the slightest thing. He smoke and always stunk of cigarettes. He argued with nana (grandma) and mom. He threatened and shook fists at them. According to mom, he pulled a gun once. She did try to have him committed but failed. He did not act up too much in public and she was a habitual liar son no one believed her. BUT she would not leave him- she would have to give up the g**d**n house. She was not going to lose the house she just remodeled. He had few friend- most as strange as him. He was paranoid- he would say people were out to get him including my nana.

I was a target. Even though he was not to hit me anymore (sister had raised a stink over it) he threatened all the time. Yelling to put away toys you were not done playing with, that I was too loud while playing, beating pets. He was horrible. Even when I was not doing anything to get in "trouble" he was lurking, looking to jump and punish me for things. He heard voices- I know it had to be true even if he didn't see the psychiatrist. During fights he would said people told him things but would never name who and where. He would be talking when no one was there. He sang polkas with the radio-it was creepy. I never knew what was next.

When I was about 6 I accidentally opened the bathroom door while he was getting into the shower- it was very scarey and creepy for me. I did not get in trouble- he didn't even yell at me. Mom yelled at him to lock the door when using the bathroom. My mom never talked about it. I had an extreme aversion to touching him- it disgusted, scared and made me feel dirty. I avoided touching him totally. Sometimes he would still touch me- grab me to yell at me. As I type this I smell the stale cigarettes. When they were planning to get the house remodeled, he took me to the contractor's house. I remember standing there staring out a window. It has taken awhile to remember his face- the thought of his face makes me nauseated. He was threatening to me while he was working on the house. Something happened but I can't remember. The thought of him walking toward me makes me want to scream "GO AWAY."

I was afraid enough at 11 yrs old I booby trapped the steps to my attic bedroom. I did not want him to come up to the bedroom without me knowing. I was terrified. When my mom saw the steps finally she made me stop doing it. Sometimes I would lock the door but she didn't know. I began sleep very light and as little as possible- preferably once everyone else had gone to bed.

When I was 10 he made a comment that I was "turning into a young woman." I was wearing a training bra by then, Of all the things ever said to me, this scared me the most. I can have someone threaten to harm me and it will never be as terrifying as those words out of his mouth. I dressed in tee shirts, hoodies and jeans after that almost exclusively. I so badly wanted to be seen as a little boy, I did not want to be a girl. I was fat and could pull it off sometimes. I did not want the attention. He was so dirty. I can't write anymore right now