The Tea Room Community Group
This is a private group by invitation only. It is a group for those who have a loved one with a brain injury. This group was not founded by me but I will serve as the founder temporarily as one of the first members.
My son and daughter were best friends. Born just 21 1/2 months apart, they truly grew up together. My son looked up to his sister, and my daughter looked out for her brother.
When my son had his accident, my daughter was devastated. It was October of her senior year of high school, and that fall semester she managed to visit her brother, apply to college, and keep her life together while my husband and I took turns working and staying at our son's bedside. By January, my son was back at school having discharged himself from therapy. His behavior was so incredibly inappropriate at school. He began hanging with some pretty bad-ass kids, swearing at teachers, even screaming about one teacher in the hallway, "Somebody oughta kill that bitch!" My daughter was humiliated. She tried to understand that this behavior was a result of the brain injury, but everyone around her just thought her brother had turned into an a**hole overnight.
To make a long and painful story short, it is now four years later, my daughter will be graduating from college this year, and the bond she and her brother had is almost completely destroyed. She refuses to spend any time with him, and he thinks she's mean. I have tried to intervene, I've talked to them individually until I'm blue in the face, but the relationship just isn't there anymore. I have been really hard on my daughter, for I feel as though she is able to control her behavior, while my son often is not. This is threatening to create a rift between my daughter and I at this point as well, so I have backed off as much as I can.
It's gotten to the point that my husband and I take our daughter out, or we take our son out. My son does not attend any events at my daughter's school and probably will not even go to her graduation. She doesn't want him there, and he doesn't really want to go, either. I can tell that my son is confused about why his sister is rejecting him, and the only way he can express this is by saying that she is "mean." Meanwhile, he has begun to resent his sister's success, and when she comes home for visits, he either puts her down constantly or reverts to 3-year-old behavior by slapping, tickling, picking her up, etc.
I am skipping around a lot, but I'm trying to keep this short. In a nutshell, my son's brain injury is destroying our family.
Does anyone have any advice for me? Is this just the way it has to be? Will my daughter ever be able to tolerate her brother in her life again?
Sometimes I am more saddened by this course of events than I am by my son's deficits. I feel that if the family were at least the whole, supportive unit it used to be, that my son would be okay. But even four years post-injury, it's not, and I fear for his future.
What can I do? I feel that as a mother, I should be able to help my children navigate these troubled waters; instead, we're all drowning. . .
<Sigh.> I'm sad, my friends, I'm sad.
When my son had his accident, my daughter was devastated. It was October of her senior year of high school, and that fall semester she managed to visit her brother, apply to college, and keep her life together while my husband and I took turns working and staying at our son's bedside. By January, my son was back at school having discharged himself from therapy. His behavior was so incredibly inappropriate at school. He began hanging with some pretty bad-ass kids, swearing at teachers, even screaming about one teacher in the hallway, "Somebody oughta kill that bitch!" My daughter was humiliated. She tried to understand that this behavior was a result of the brain injury, but everyone around her just thought her brother had turned into an a**hole overnight.
To make a long and painful story short, it is now four years later, my daughter will be graduating from college this year, and the bond she and her brother had is almost completely destroyed. She refuses to spend any time with him, and he thinks she's mean. I have tried to intervene, I've talked to them individually until I'm blue in the face, but the relationship just isn't there anymore. I have been really hard on my daughter, for I feel as though she is able to control her behavior, while my son often is not. This is threatening to create a rift between my daughter and I at this point as well, so I have backed off as much as I can.
It's gotten to the point that my husband and I take our daughter out, or we take our son out. My son does not attend any events at my daughter's school and probably will not even go to her graduation. She doesn't want him there, and he doesn't really want to go, either. I can tell that my son is confused about why his sister is rejecting him, and the only way he can express this is by saying that she is "mean." Meanwhile, he has begun to resent his sister's success, and when she comes home for visits, he either puts her down constantly or reverts to 3-year-old behavior by slapping, tickling, picking her up, etc.
I am skipping around a lot, but I'm trying to keep this short. In a nutshell, my son's brain injury is destroying our family.
Does anyone have any advice for me? Is this just the way it has to be? Will my daughter ever be able to tolerate her brother in her life again?
Sometimes I am more saddened by this course of events than I am by my son's deficits. I feel that if the family were at least the whole, supportive unit it used to be, that my son would be okay. But even four years post-injury, it's not, and I fear for his future.
What can I do? I feel that as a mother, I should be able to help my children navigate these troubled waters; instead, we're all drowning. . .
<Sigh.> I'm sad, my friends, I'm sad.
Have had long, detailed discuss trying to explain tbi but the ever changing issues are just too much. My older son desperately wants a close relationship with his younger brother and doesn't understand what has happened. Even my stepson just acts as if my oldest is almost invisible and they used to get along great. Not to mention all the friendships that are long gone because they too thought he was just an a**. Its all sad. All we can hope for is a better day tomorrow...
I knw itwould be disastrust argue with BI sn,so I d back off and allw his dad t speak with him, and it usually worrks
Being invlved in sessions is a gd eye opener
Sorry dear that you situation is tearing family apart.
Kelly
RunGirl and Struggling, it sounds as though we're in the same boat. Like you, I wonder if the damaged relationships are permanent, or can they be repaired? I've passed along a few informational articles to my daughter, and whle she can intellectually understand the changes in her brother, she tells me she just cannot cope with or handle them. In anger after I've really pushed her hard, she has told me that this is not her brother; her brother is dead. She's so black and white and seems so cold, but I know that her pain is masking her emotions. Quite frankly, her brother's injury has messed with her head! It is my hope that as they get older, they may be able to find some common ground on which to rebuild. ..
I had no idea, when we left the rehab hospital four years ago fully expecting a full recovery, how debilitating this injury would be to everyone involved. I really think we were left completely unprepared, and I do fault the hospital for that - and it is one of the top 10 facilities in the country. Oh well, who is to say that more information would've helped?
I'm off track here, rambling away - sorry. I did just want to thank you for replying. It means a lot.
Hugs and love,
HayMom
You're right HayMom, ultimately it might not have mattered. If I had known then what I know know now, I really might not have held it together. No matter what, I know we all did the very best we could for our loved ones and continue to do so.
I hope and pray that your son and daughter can forge a strong, new bond in the future. I truly believe all of these relationships can be repaired, sometimes just not as quickly as we would like. Life has so many twists and turns, hopefully easier paths await us all.