I know things have been rough for Cherry. I think about you all the time. I wish you could get a break from all the pain you have.
I'm always here for you! Hugs & Love

just wishing you plenty of breaks - not bones!!

ive had a rough couple of months, but nothing close to yours. hope things turn around soon!

I appreciate the kind words, but this thread is for you! Scream and whine! I may have my challenges, but it isn't a contest and I know the rest of you struggle every day, too!

Cherry its not true that your not getting anywhere even tho you keep trying. Your living each day, your strength of courage is amazing, it grows with every new day.

That goes for the rest of us too! All us hens, we all have our problems, but we all manage to find the strength to face another day, Cluck Cluck Hooray!

I had another mild anxiety attack last night, at least that's all i can put it down to until i have this heart monitor and the cardio appt which cant come quick enough! 56 days to go.

I'm back on these beta blockers which i hate, but its a case of a racing heart or side affects.
Hopefully after i find out nothing is wrong with my heart, i can try some different beta blockers that have less side affects for me. But i must admit i'm frightened to try new pills.

Whine - It hurt my leg a lot to take out the garbage and recycling. OUCH!!!

Empathy, I hope they find that your heart is fine and they get you on something that works better for you. Years ago, anxiety caused me so much trouble that they put a monitor on me. It helped to find out it wasn't my heart at all.

Heather...ouch. Be careful!

man, am i here today!! it hadn't truly hit me last night.

it was a wake up with every turn night, get up and smoke try again....i was thinking about cleaning my old much larger apt completely in the amount of time it took yesterday for that and i just had to move stuff - heavy stuff) since i had waited so long. hurt, hurt, hurt is all i can think right now. frustration is what i feel. home sick.

just a day to get through kind of day...

oh and...bizarre dream which was even continued after getting up and then going back to sleep...don't know what's up with my dream life. just stressful...

Sometimes I get so tired of pretending I feel ok:(

I gave up on pretending with the people I'm close to. I try to seem ok when I'm doing hair, but when I'm working in severe pain, they can tell.

I'm hurting so much and it's wearing me down.

Cherry and Dix, my heart goes out to you my dears. There is nothing more stressful than trying to pretend that everything is ok. Seems to make it worse. Been there. And it does add so much of a burden to keep the lie going that you are feeling ok.

Much love and pain free hugs to all my lovely Hens.

I drove halfway across Canada and had time to think things over. I pealed a few new layer of realization and came to a painful fact, but finally came to peace with myself and my world. I see the big picture about about my mother and sister and oldest brother and how they have treated me and understood how I protect myself and found acceptance. Yesterday I go visit my parents, and as I come up the steps, I catch my sister sneaking away without so much of a hello (and I haven't seen her in such a long time). But I stay a record hour and a half and have a very nice visit, mostly for my ailing father. As I'm about to leave my mother says she wants to see me alone. I jokenly say, why, you don't want to discuss changing me again, do you? She says, no, I never get to see you and I'm not long on this earth you know.

Well, shit I think, you spend your whole life excluding me and tossing me aside because I don't fit like the others do and for a list of other reasons, BUT I come to peace with that, and now I'm given the guilt and supposed to be the better person AGAIN. I'm always the better person here. I spent my whole life trying to be small around my family just so they would accept me and it has done nothing so I have vowed to never do that again. I used being a better person and 'rising-up and being kind' as a defense mechanism so they wouldn't have anything to use against me. I decided to let my anger and imperfections show now.

Not sure what to do with this turmoil inside of me because it has so many twists and turns and it is complicated. I do know that I'm being immediately tested on my resolve. Plain and simple, I have to discuss this with her.

A person can't say, that they are not coming over to my place unless I remove certain important people from my life, and then say, why don't I visit more often. A person can't say, I support your art, but don't get too high on your horse and overshine me or be too happy or I'll take you down. A person can't say be like the others, you don't suit my image and I will withold affection until you do, and expect me to grovel for affection forever.

But...it is my 82 year old mother. It is so hard.

Enigma, I don't believe for a min. that your nice to rise above, or nice to be a better person, or even pretend to be nice for the occasion. I think it is who you are. You are a very loving and sweet and yes "Nice" person!! That's why you feel this guilt with your mom. That's why you continue to let them treat you the way they do, because it's your nature to be forgiving and gentle. That's why you can't fight against the way they treat you.
I can understand not wanting the conflict, but what you have to be able to do is walk away , knowing how they are, and not let it get to you so bad.
You are a sweet, loving, kind soul!
I'm sorry for the way they treat you. Maybe your mom is feeling some guilt for the way she has treated you in the past?
Stay true to yourself hun, because at the end of the day, the only person you can hold accountable is yourself and you are a good person!!

Enigma,I have parents in their 80's, i live with mine! Hey at least you get to walk away! lol.

Families can be so complicated and ive spent 46 years wondering what's wrong with me and why my brothers and sister were not affected like me. How come i needed counselling twice in my life and how come i got an eating disorder, and how come i get depression, suicidal etc etc, I thought there was something wrong with ME.
My counsellor pointed out that in a family where it seems there's a black sheep, you can bet your life all have been affected in some way, it just depends on a personality of a person as to how they are affected.
Another thing is that it may suit your brother and sister to choose a certain side which fits their needs.
I think dixie could be right, at 82 your mum is bound to be mulling things over.

You guys are so sweet, but sheesh , just like Cherry said, ... this is a PISS and MOAN thread. It's all about ranting here.

Dixie and Empathy, your words are very encouraging and you must be acknowleged for the impact it has on me. Oh, bless you Empathy for being the on-site caregiver. Thank you, sweeties.

However, back to the initial intent of this thread. I'm not here to hijack it otherwise I would have posted a separate thread.

GRRRRRRRR. Got to keep this a rant.

The past has not worked and I think it is high time that this mouse shook things up and sent the rats a running. I mean, really, I'm a lion in the workforce, but a wimp in this family dynamic. Suicide is depression turned inward and I'm sick of it.

I don't expect anyone to change or even understand, but for me, I have to air this out. I'm going to take her up on her offer to talk privately and go out for coffee and tell her straight that if she wants to see me more, she has to remove all those restrictions and I'll break it down so there is no mistake. Give her my terms for a switch because I'm not getting any younger either.