The Hen House Community Group
This Group is for Hens only. A place where we can share and flock together:) May friendships grow here.
I first want to say that I am so grateful for this site and the comfort that I feel to be able to come here, be authentic and witness the authenticity of everyone here. There is kindness, and respect and a place to let a person's hair come down without fear.
I've hidden my pain from so many, including myself some days, but I can come here and just be real. Not a soldier trudging on, or a role model for pain tolerance. This is a place that one can be vulnerable and come out feeling okay about it.
I can't sleep tonight again, as the pain is just so sharp. Tomorrow I have to go to a job that now irritates the hell out of me, and hide the pain when inside I'm screaming inside. In the evening I run around the house trying to distract myself from the real issues in life, and then I fall down in bed, unable to sleep.
What's bugging me, I ask, and I just get so overwhelmed with sadness and fear. My son and his lovely girlfriend moved out two weeks ago and how can I stop missing them? My beloved dog has passed away a few months ago, but I can't stop thinking about her final moments at the vet. My younger son is going out at nights to smoke dope with his friends, and during the day won't go out and get a job, let alone take care of himself. (I worry). I have family members wanting more and more and more. My employment has dropped to a new level of immaturity. And the unrelenting pain.
I need to find the strength to go on until some of these things that I have no control over, will pass into a memory. But life is so damn non-stop and I can't stop thinking, or doing, or feeling guilty if I'm not doing. I myself, fill my head with "you should...........and then things will be better".
I know I'm taking more drugs lately than is good for me, but when I pull back, then I struggle so much worse physically. I wake up in the mornings now, hardly able to stand, let alone walk, and it takes a hours before I can move without a wobble. "What is wrong with me now?" I think with fear. And my next thought is I wish I would have an illness that would kill me quickly. Let me be the one who dies too soon. If this is 50, then how the hell am I going to live to 60?
I think that I should go see a counsellor, but the thought of all that emotion rising during session, makes me want to not seek help of that sort, at this time.
I don't know what to do in moments like this, and these thoughts linger throughout each day.
How do you guys just "let it go"? Just, stop the brain and the fear and the darkness within? I want to be left alone to just sit in the corner and lick my wounds for days and days and days. I want to stop hurting so I can deal with regular life.
I sit here now, after a short cry, (because crying makes my head feel worse), and I reread what I have written and thought 'how would I help this person?'. You guys have said this to me before and I realize now that I can't prolong it anymore. I have to seek professional help. I have the means, so I have to do this now. Tomorrow I will look into my extended health plan, and make a plan for my sanity. And, as I say this, I wonder if it is wise to open wounds right now.
Please tell me how counselling may have helped you? If it was positive and you felt lightness after? Or just darker? Tell me so I don't have to decide.
Angela
I've hidden my pain from so many, including myself some days, but I can come here and just be real. Not a soldier trudging on, or a role model for pain tolerance. This is a place that one can be vulnerable and come out feeling okay about it.
I can't sleep tonight again, as the pain is just so sharp. Tomorrow I have to go to a job that now irritates the hell out of me, and hide the pain when inside I'm screaming inside. In the evening I run around the house trying to distract myself from the real issues in life, and then I fall down in bed, unable to sleep.
What's bugging me, I ask, and I just get so overwhelmed with sadness and fear. My son and his lovely girlfriend moved out two weeks ago and how can I stop missing them? My beloved dog has passed away a few months ago, but I can't stop thinking about her final moments at the vet. My younger son is going out at nights to smoke dope with his friends, and during the day won't go out and get a job, let alone take care of himself. (I worry). I have family members wanting more and more and more. My employment has dropped to a new level of immaturity. And the unrelenting pain.
I need to find the strength to go on until some of these things that I have no control over, will pass into a memory. But life is so damn non-stop and I can't stop thinking, or doing, or feeling guilty if I'm not doing. I myself, fill my head with "you should...........and then things will be better".
I know I'm taking more drugs lately than is good for me, but when I pull back, then I struggle so much worse physically. I wake up in the mornings now, hardly able to stand, let alone walk, and it takes a hours before I can move without a wobble. "What is wrong with me now?" I think with fear. And my next thought is I wish I would have an illness that would kill me quickly. Let me be the one who dies too soon. If this is 50, then how the hell am I going to live to 60?
I think that I should go see a counsellor, but the thought of all that emotion rising during session, makes me want to not seek help of that sort, at this time.
I don't know what to do in moments like this, and these thoughts linger throughout each day.
How do you guys just "let it go"? Just, stop the brain and the fear and the darkness within? I want to be left alone to just sit in the corner and lick my wounds for days and days and days. I want to stop hurting so I can deal with regular life.
I sit here now, after a short cry, (because crying makes my head feel worse), and I reread what I have written and thought 'how would I help this person?'. You guys have said this to me before and I realize now that I can't prolong it anymore. I have to seek professional help. I have the means, so I have to do this now. Tomorrow I will look into my extended health plan, and make a plan for my sanity. And, as I say this, I wonder if it is wise to open wounds right now.
Please tell me how counselling may have helped you? If it was positive and you felt lightness after? Or just darker? Tell me so I don't have to decide.
Angela
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89FNo energy, just going to do whatever. Sandra, It's hard to move at a certain time in life. You've been in your home forever, at least you'll be able to travel to the beach and enjoy. Oh, we did hear Boris Johnson's tenure ended due to a series of ethics scandals, accusations of dishonesty and a final collapse of government support that forced his recognation. What he didn't do like the...
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88FWhat I do like is early morning clouds and then they disappear and the sun comes out. That was it's cooler in the morning. I'm sitting here looking out the window at the hummingbird with the river and dike as a back drop. It's hard to invision ever leaving but I'm also a realist with aging, especially when the luncheon we had with thirty former classmates on Monday. Sandra, we get news of...
I think counseling really is a good idea. What was nice for me, I had a good counselor once and she was great at listening. But she really acknowledged my feelings and seemed to understand....sometimes that alone is helpful....just getting it out there an knowing your not going crazy. The other thing she did was affirm my opinions and beliefs and ideas. She was encouraging and gave me coping ideas. I sure hope you can find a good one. Meanwhile if you just want to talk I'm always here for you just pM me.
Hugs and love,
Kim
wishing and praying for you to find some hope!
On reading your thread, your sooo hard on yourself and you expect way to much of yourself and when you dont live up to yourself and others, you beat yourself up. I guess it takes one to know one!
You see... what i see is a lot of what you write is perfectly normal!
Your a mum, what normal mum doesn't worry about their child or miss their child?
What normal person who loves animals doesn't grieve when one has died?
So here's my "permission list" for you, and what i want you to do is add to it! You dont have to reply on here : )
"I allow myself"... to be sad and miss my son now that he has moved out with his girlfriend.
"I allow myself"... to grieve for my beloved dog.
"I allow myself"... to worry about my son and his future.
I really hope this makes you realize just how hard you are on yourself and how much of a hard time you give yourself! Allow yourself to be human! I mean... what contest are you trying to win?
Ive had 5 counselors in my lifetime and the best one was Gemma, i miss Gemma, she totally got me and worked out what the problem was and we went about fixing it, i'm still fixing it, its a work in progress : )
I will say that for months and months i didn't feel like i was getting anywhere, but it all seemed to click, so you have to stick at, you have to cry loads at every session, you have to look like a top banana at every session, you have to go in there, sit in that chair and just open up the vault! And let rip!
THE MORE YOU GIVE AT A SESSION, THE MORE YOU WILL GET OF A SESSION : )
Oh and fuck the job, is it worth this much worry?
What do you think will happen if you let go?
Letting your emotions out in a safe place is the first step toward understanding and coping. You are worthy!!!
Huge healing hugs...
Thank you, Empathy for the permissions. I don't see myself as being hard on myself, and I guess that is where friends come in....to point out such things. I have to work though...no option at this time. Maybe the psych can help me find a solution there, or I can find a better job.
God, I love you guys........seriously.....all of you......
Exactly how i was feeling a bit ago.
I hope you hang in there and get thro this. Sounds like you have so much going on and the worry about the son does not help. I think in my case kids don't get how their actions affect others (Mom).
I did counseling after my miscarriages and it did help, because no wone understood and hubby got so sick of hearing me. I had to get it out and that may be your case now. I still have many issues and think about going to one now, but am afraid. Of what i don't know.
hugs and prayers with you!
xoxo
I sure hope you will find someone who can help you. You have so much on your shoulders. wishing you the best.
Heather