Whoa...that's a big question. It's something that's been dragged out of me in therapy and an ongoing struggle that will most likely never end.

A simple thing...a statement, a scent, a situation, a song...can trigger me and I find myself reacting to it. I will do anything to avoid direct confrontation. It sends me into survival mode.

If I try to say more, it's going to be uncomfortable. I can feel my neck and shoulders tighten and the pain increase just thinking about everything that has contributed to who I am, now.

Sorry I couldn't handle this question in a lighter manner. Pain level is high, worked too hard this morning and I should be resting. I guess that's who I am after working....

Hugs...

I am the oldest of five. My mom divorced and remarried. I got a little sister to mother. I have never felt like I had a mom. That makes me a little bossy and a little needy.

That is a start for me.

love and peace
hiippy


Love the name. Dix

Wow Dix. Everything that has happened to me in my life has made me who I am, as did God/Universe.

Ok, finally back. Mom's test results were not cancer...thank goodness.

To answer this question:

My dad lived his entire life with CP. He fell one day where he worked and injured his back. Several surgeries until finally there was so much scar tissue that they could not operate anymore...and if they did, he would be paralyzed.

He had no education to speak of because he had to stay home and work the farm while the rest of his siblings got to attend school. So of course with no education he had little hope of ever getting a really good paying job.
I guess, to be honest, he didn't even know about SSI, or if he did, was too proud to apply for it and he would certainly have qualified.

So he lived in pain, making do the best he could, always struggling. He was a Jack of all trades, so finding jobs wasn't hard.....just good paying jobs. But every job he had he would come home every evening in horriable pain.
As hard as it is to believe (or see in my case), of course each and every year got a little worse.
And every job he had was the hardest manual jobs you could think of but for him, they were also the best paying so he HAD to take those jobs to support his family.

I didn't mean to make this a story about my dad....I just told it to explain why I think I have a lot of compassion and love and hopefully....understanding about people. I'm fascinated about how the mind works and why people do the things they do. If I could go to school it would be to become a psychiatrist.
And now....my own pain.
Then I find DS.....and I listen to everyone here, hurting, suffering....and it breaks my heart.

I use to watch my dad, then see someone get out of a car in a handicap parking place and think: "They don't need that spot!" I was comparing them to my dad. But now....I know all about "invisiable" pain. And my dad hid it too....but I could only think of the way he was when he was at home....where he didn't have to hid it.
My mom gets mad at me for talking about my childhood.....she thinks I'm putting my dad down...(there's a lot more worse things that happened that I haven't shared), but I'm not....I'm actually grateful for all the bad things in my childhood, because thankfully , I was one of the kids that learned from it in a good way.

Dixie
I'm glad to hear your Mom's results turned out good. I for one appreciate you sharing about your dads tribulations. Childhood is a very difficult topic for me to talk about. But like you I learned and grew from every experience. No matter how horrible or good it was. The more I get to talk to all of you the more I'll open up.

Hugs & prayers, Marci

I am what I went through in life but in a good way. I refused to allow many bad experiences that most others use as excuses to hold me down. I have always and still do everything in my power to overcome the detrimental effects of a negative experience. I try to make the best of things and to have a laugh everyday no matter what. Afterall, this is my one and only life whether I like it or not.

Dixie, so glad your mother's results were O.K.

I am a survivor in part thanks to my family. I had to learn how to take care of myself and finally I had to take care of my family (mom, sister, brothers, grandfather, niece, nephew). I became a caregiver early and I was the youngest of my family. Sad how families can treat you, but we can learn from it.

I learned compassion, patience, and how to survive in life and in the medical world. I learned that to carry a grudge created and fed cancer so I do not hold grudges. I learned getting stressed out makes you sick so I learned to meditate and calm down. I learned we expect the most from our families and are disappointed by them the most (they are only human too). I learned to help everyone that you can with no expectations of anything in return, just hope they help someone in turn someday.

I have no patience for someone who tells me they are bored. There is so much to do in life I don't understand boredom. I only wish I had time to have the luxury of boredom. Life is short. Everything I do is important because I will never have this moment back again. Once I have used it up it will be gone forever.

I learned to appreciate life the goods and the bads.
-RJ

I am a caregiver, suffer from middle child only girl syndrome. Would be attached to my dad's hip if he would let me. I learned independence to a fault from him. So I can fix things around the house and not NEED a man to do it It would be nice to HAVE a man, but it is not necessary. I have a hard time asking for help. Always have. Things will get to critical level before I do that, but that is something through CP that I am learning to change. That yes I do need help and its ok to ask for it. I am a photographer by heart but have worked many different jobs including a recreation specialist for the Navy, a 7-11 cashier, a staff medic in a jail and a journalist. I loved helping people so much that when I lived in Maryland, I was an EMT and member of an all volunteer firehouse. I loved those days. I am learning to love me and that I don't have to be perfect no matter what anyone says. I am me and if you can't handle that, then that is your loss not mine. I love to do girly things like get my hair and nails done, but yet you can find me with a hack saw or screw gun ready to work on a project around the house. I am a little bit "country and a little bit rock and roll"! I am the type of person that would give you the shirt off my back and my last dollar even if that mean that I would go hungry.

Well I think that's enough about me. Im a scorpio and could talk about myself forever. But I am passionate about my familly and friends and protecting them at all cost.

Good topic Dixie, very introspective!

Gentle hugs,
Jenna

Jenna, you sound like me on the home front repairs. My 80 year old neighbor said I would make someone a great husband. He can't believe that I do all the repairs. I grew up on a farm and had to do my share equal to the boys. Thankfully my daughter inherited that trait and can fix her home also. If we had to rely on men to fix things it would be a disaster!

hi dixe.. great food for thought...
i am the youngest girl in a family of 4 girls, so to be heard,
i learned how to talk fast lol... thats probably why i ended up
in sales..lol i had to, or i wouldnt get it all in.. i am a people person,
and love being around family and friends..my mom taught me everything
i know about survival, and yet i reached to be like my dad..(workaholic)..
so the combination suits me well..
thanks for giving me some "food for thought" today..
~stinke~

i'm the oldest of two girls, but only by 13 months, so mother was pregnant during my little childhood. i was very independent from the get go (there's a family story that i chase my grandmother around the yard with a rose bush she was about to plant), but i started writing poetry around 8, esp for my grandparents (maternal) then hide them around their house. even as a child i hated racism and bullying and demonstrated it at every opportunity. tough, but tender, and pretty good around the house, too, independent. that's the simple part.