The Forgotten Ones Community Group
Do you have a family member who is a sex offender, and it ripped your entire world apart? This is for the silent, forgotten victims. The mothers, wives, children, family. You blame yourself, you carry the shame, you feel the weight of it. Come here to talk with others who have been through it. Remember it isnt your fault. And you arent the only one.
I need advice and support. I'm just so extremely sad and I've cried everyday for 2 years. I found out 2 years ago that my father molested a couple of my cousins when they were children. It happened 10 and 20 years ago.
This news flipped my whole world upside down as well as my moms. I know many of you know the feeling. He was a great dad to me and the best grandpa to my kids. I think they changed him to be a better person.
That doesn't change the fact that he did horrible things in his past that he has to pay for.
He hasn't seen my kids in a year after seeing them at least 3 times a week their whole lives. My kids are now 5 and 7 years old.
My father will soon be going to prison for 4 years. He is asking if it is okay to see my kids one last time so he can say goodbye. They've been asking about His whereabouts for a year because he basically just disappeared. I never know how to respond. We told them that he had to go away to help a friend.
Now that he is going to prison, I want to be honest with my kids but I don't know what to say. I also don't know if it's the right thing to do to let my dad see them one more time before leaving again for 4 years. They've already been missing him so much and then to see him again only for a short time before he is forced to leave. I'm just so lost. I feel extremely sad for everyone involved. His victims, my mom/his wife, me, my children, and I feel very sad for my dad himself.
I feel like I'm a bad person for still loving him and a bad person for not supporting him enough and a bad person for not supporting my cousins enough.
Not sure how to survive this whole situation .
I find it INCREDIBLE and horrific that I married someone with the same proclivity as he had. Me and my husband are separated now and I have a protection order in place which will expire later this fall. He didnt target anyone, his crimes were more online.
Someone asked me if I would let him see the kids again (he never targeted them or anyone). Personally, I wouldn’t, if I can help it. Coming from both a childhood victim and now adult perspective. When it comes to protecting my kids, I always try to put myself in someone elses shoes, to ask myself what advice would I tell a friend if she were in this situation that Im actually in? This is helpful when I think my emotions and memory of what was are blinding me.
My kids are very young. I told them that he is on a timeout. He’s going to be on a timeout for a bit. Idk how long. And then I try to distract them. It works, so far.
As for the visit. I wouldn’t. I think it’s naive to expect that a person has change simply because they haven’t targeted YOUR kids. His crimes affected his entire family. Even those who have no knowledge of the crime (like, your kids).
Often we have trouble seeing this person beyond the façade of what we thought was real. Our perspective needs to shift.
These people who we once thought we knew, they knew that what they were doing was wrong. That’s why they hid it.
Read up on grooming patterns.
Try not to beat yourself up. A lot of people didnt know. He tricked everyone. For years, he knew what he did. He stayed silent. And then he did it again. He was nice to others, didnt hurt them.
It’s a dangerous thing, I know, to see the good and be fooled by it. You’re not the only one in your family feeling like this. So many affected by it. We can only work on our own healing and shock and protect our kids.
I dont think it would be good for your kids to see him again after so long, only to not be able to see him again for a while. Your oldest will be 11, he will have a better understanding than now of what’s happening/where his grandpa is (if you choose to tell him or her). By then, even you will be a different person, stronger, smarter, maybe even having more knowledge of how to deal with what might come next when he’s released.
For now, focus on yourself and healing, keeping your kids safe. You’re not a bad person for still loving your dad. You might go through a grieving process. Grieving for what was, the illusions of what was, how things are now.
Seeing it as a grieving process helps. Because you know there are stages and that you’ll come out of this stronger.