I don't know how to describe what I'm feeling inside right now. So, I'll simply lay out the facts.

In July 2020, I caught my husband (we separated in April, and our marriage was up in the air from April to July) looking at illegal porn. He slept over one night in July on my couch. Me and my kids slept in my room while he was here that night. He asked for my tablet because he said he couldnt sleep and wanted to go online. 

The next morning I went downstairs and caught him. There was no denying what he was doing. No question what he had done. He got caught. I grabbed my tablet and got him to leave. I called someone to come be my support for when I called the police. The police showed up and I gave them the tablet. I later signed a release. Remember that: they didnt have a warrant. I called them and signed a release.

The investigation was slow (in my mind, it took from July until mid-October, maybe this is normal, idk). 

A few days after that he was arrested for unrelated charges and kept in jail. His release date is in December. 

On Friday, October 23, I recieved a phone call from the constable who was leading the investigation into my husbands' (we're separated) internet history (illegal and involved kids). She told me that there wasn't enough evidence to support any charges, and, therefore, no charges would be laid. She said my tablet would be at the police receptist desk for me to pick it up. They didn't wipe it/erase the history, it would be up to me to do so.

I was in shock or disbelief. I couldn't really hear what she was saying after that. I asked her to repeat herself. She ended the conversation with something like," we needed more evidence so WE COULD HELP HIM.."

She's talking about getting him help(therapy or rehab). She sounded emphatic. She is either stupid or she thinks Im stupid! Either way, I am DUMBFOUNDED by the entire thing! 

I think I might be feeling a bit of anger along with other emotions that Im trying to work out. My thoughts are also on the children in the history. Theyre real. Theyre probably alive right now. Theyre probably still with these monsters, animals, creeps, there are no words I can think of to adequately describe them. Demons??? 

I haven't touched the tablet. They put it in a manilla envelope. I havent opened it. I can't. I haven't thrown it out because I dont know what to do with it. In my mind, it's evidence and the only thing we have to use to try to rescue those kids. The police think otherwise. That bothers me a lot. 

But, you know what, police hate bad guys, right? I have to remind myself that maybe their not feeling non-chalant about the outcome of this investigation. Maybe they're pissed, too. Maybe they've lost sleep about it, too. Maybe they're questioning themselves, what more could be done or could have been done? I'm not alone in feeling this way, I cant be. But her comment on 'helping him or finding him help' sure as hell made me feel alone and like I was just a hapless tool in trying to land a conviction!! It was ME who gave them the tablet! Called the police and STARTED this entire thing!

Flabbergasted.

And, he's getting out in a few short weeks. Im getting tired of being diplomatic and with problem solving. 

But, Im also pissed that he's getting out soon because he has been a problem for a very long time. Or it's felt like a long time, he's had issues for years and I've always done my best to placate him and his anger issues, subdue him with his anger and lust issues. I've felt like I've been like a cop or a security guard or an emotional punching bag trying to keep this witless wonder in line so that the results of his actions wouldnt ripple effect into our kids lives. I'm a problem solver. He was a problem. That's a BAD combination!!

And he's getting out! And he's THIS .. thing, this... perverted creature with a proclivity that I THINK WARRANTS AN ARREST or at least to be put on the SOL!!! 

Yes, I think Im angry. And, I AM a problem solver but this is toxic to a phenomenal degree and I can't imagine anyone who would be willing to take on this problem any further. I mean, this... his internet history, it takes the cake. I now stand shattered, mouth agape in disbelief and ..I dont know where to go from here? 

I want to wash my hands of it. Is it wrong of me? I've done all things in my power to keep my kids safe. To follow the letter of the law and keep things from spilling over into my kids lives but this cannot go on. 

Another bad thing happened over the summer. He got caught cheating on me with my 18-year old cousin. They had a full on relationship and he took her virginity. She is tiny and looks 15-years old. She was homeless and a drug addict and doesnt have a lot of life experience outside of her bedroom. He told her we were definitely no longer together. He took advantage of her. He knowing lied to her to get what he wanted. The whole thing is jarring. Incredible. 

The good news from that (imagine that) is that now I have grounds for a divorce. I just have yet to procure any funds for it. 

I want to wash my hands of all this. I've aged so much over the length of our 5-year marriage. So much stress. So much crying. Wanting out but no grounds. Now, I can get out, at least. This gave me a way out. I feel like I needed permission to leave for so long but the more I hear myself say 'this is my legal way out', the more empowered I feel to get a divorce.

No one can subdue this monster. Who will try to stand in the way of his hurting others? I cannot. No longer. I'm done. Who else will he go after and ruin? God help my little cousin who's still out there with still no real life experience, surrounded by other addicts. And, This scary-tale of a marriage - I dont want it. I dont want it. 

He got away with it. Those kids are real and probably crying RIGHT NOW and I cant stand it. He got away with it. It's incredible. Im at a loss. 

**But, I will try to do what I can to get in contact with others who may be able to save them. I can't give up. I feel compelled. There's an international database called H-Unique based out of Scotland (Abderdeen, I think? Lancaster?). They collect digital images of hands of people in those types of videos and pics. Maybe they can help. I have to try. It's good to try. I'll update if they respond to my email. If anyone is reading this.