The Den Community Group
Pull up a chair and put your feet up. Lie down if necessary! :)
I originally posted this in Oct 2014 on another site… under one of my other names..(chuckle) I thought of it when I thought of the F word…FORGIVENESS… So, don't know why, maybe I just really want it back under my real name or something… But, here is how I feel about that F word!
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I have came back to this site from time to time for the last 10 months or so …hoping to add or leave something of MY journey through this as everyone on here has added to mine. Thank you for sharing.
I found this site after my second oldest (daughter) had blindsided us by walking out in the middle of the night…. A long long long 14 months ago… She was not the first we (her dad and I had lost) The oldest (son) did it too…. That took us more than six years to "get" "the reality of" beat into our heads. So, from the beginning, we "knew" what we (oh God) had to accept, and I sure didn't want to waste six more years of my life!
I have came to a "reality" an "understanding" I guess… So, many times I hear the phrases…And frankly they kept me in a hole for so so damn long!! I hate these phrases, and I have had to leave this site many times because of them. No offense to anyone meant, each situation is different and each is in his own "place" and "time" But, I wanted to finally say what I KNOW to be MY REALITY. And my KEY to surviving and moving on after "grieving" the loss of two of my children.
Fix yourself
Forgive them
I can forgive but not forget
Trust would have to be rebuilt
Relationships take work and they have to be reciprocated?
Reconciliation
Fix yourself? There is and was nothing to "fix" My life, like every other human being, has had its "up" moments and its "down" moments…. But NEVER in that time did I or their father stop being responsible… understanding…. caring parents… HELL YA!
OK - forgive them? For what? Forgive them for being who they are? And what are they?
They are selfish, cruel, heartless, greedy, irresponsible, human beings…. who have decided to live their lives with no moral standard at all.. OH WELL that is their problem… not mine…
Forgive them but not forget??? What does this "phrase" have to do with any of this anyhow? All that really happened in my family, was I/we had to find out that these people we loved, trusted, lived with ARE NOT and were NEVER who we thought they were…
Trust them again?…. Could they win back our trust?…. What? How does that make any sense?? We are not talking about a "moment" here or a "happening" here! These people ES, ED have shown/proven point blank that they never loved, cared, or gave a damn about us at all…. My ED just got married a couple weeks ago, happily surrounded by all her "new" family. Don't think she needs or wants any of us. I think that is obvious to anyone. Right?
Relationships take work and have to be reciprocated… RELATIONSHIP!? I was their one and only MOTHER! And that IS the only "kind" of RELATIONSHIP I had with these "grown- up" punks. And know what? I was DAMN good at it…. I DID my job as a mother…. They have failed as "adults" not ME! I know the truth now.. I was NEVER loved and respected as a mother at all. The only thing they would be doing, it they were to try to contact me for now, would be to "satisfy" and make "them" feel good… I HAVE no relationship with these people any longer.
Reconcile what? It is DEAD…. No going back…. The parent bond is BROKEN. Hardest thing in the world for us to "let" "make" ourselves do - this whole thing is NOT normal growing up - finding yourself - getting independent!! .…. This is cold hearted selfish… I AM GONNA LIVE ANY DAMN WAY I WANT - No Rules to life- hell no!! kind of "I am an adult now!!" Bullshit! These forever teenage punks NEVER grow up.. No, I think we all know people in their 70's and 80's who are STILL punks.. right!
What the hell?…. These ARE NOT CHILDREN!
Forgive? Forget? Trust? - has nothing to do with any of this!! Can you see that? Nothing I do or could do would change the "reality" of what I now KNOW… I could not even go back in time and have that "little boy" and "little girl" in front of me again today…. and see anything but the "sick-heartless, fake, loveless, selfish" person that I now KNOW they will/did become…
Over! And it is over FOREVER, hardest thing in the world. I liken it to cutting of your own arm! Grief, pain, loss, the why why whys! HORRIFIC thing to go through…. But now! I am now FREE! What do you know! I lost something I truly never had to begin with.
Best to you all….
___________________________________________________________________
I have came back to this site from time to time for the last 10 months or so …hoping to add or leave something of MY journey through this as everyone on here has added to mine. Thank you for sharing.
I found this site after my second oldest (daughter) had blindsided us by walking out in the middle of the night…. A long long long 14 months ago… She was not the first we (her dad and I had lost) The oldest (son) did it too…. That took us more than six years to "get" "the reality of" beat into our heads. So, from the beginning, we "knew" what we (oh God) had to accept, and I sure didn't want to waste six more years of my life!
I have came to a "reality" an "understanding" I guess… So, many times I hear the phrases…And frankly they kept me in a hole for so so damn long!! I hate these phrases, and I have had to leave this site many times because of them. No offense to anyone meant, each situation is different and each is in his own "place" and "time" But, I wanted to finally say what I KNOW to be MY REALITY. And my KEY to surviving and moving on after "grieving" the loss of two of my children.
Fix yourself
Forgive them
I can forgive but not forget
Trust would have to be rebuilt
Relationships take work and they have to be reciprocated?
Reconciliation
Fix yourself? There is and was nothing to "fix" My life, like every other human being, has had its "up" moments and its "down" moments…. But NEVER in that time did I or their father stop being responsible… understanding…. caring parents… HELL YA!
OK - forgive them? For what? Forgive them for being who they are? And what are they?
They are selfish, cruel, heartless, greedy, irresponsible, human beings…. who have decided to live their lives with no moral standard at all.. OH WELL that is their problem… not mine…
Forgive them but not forget??? What does this "phrase" have to do with any of this anyhow? All that really happened in my family, was I/we had to find out that these people we loved, trusted, lived with ARE NOT and were NEVER who we thought they were…
Trust them again?…. Could they win back our trust?…. What? How does that make any sense?? We are not talking about a "moment" here or a "happening" here! These people ES, ED have shown/proven point blank that they never loved, cared, or gave a damn about us at all…. My ED just got married a couple weeks ago, happily surrounded by all her "new" family. Don't think she needs or wants any of us. I think that is obvious to anyone. Right?
Relationships take work and have to be reciprocated… RELATIONSHIP!? I was their one and only MOTHER! And that IS the only "kind" of RELATIONSHIP I had with these "grown- up" punks. And know what? I was DAMN good at it…. I DID my job as a mother…. They have failed as "adults" not ME! I know the truth now.. I was NEVER loved and respected as a mother at all. The only thing they would be doing, it they were to try to contact me for now, would be to "satisfy" and make "them" feel good… I HAVE no relationship with these people any longer.
Reconcile what? It is DEAD…. No going back…. The parent bond is BROKEN. Hardest thing in the world for us to "let" "make" ourselves do - this whole thing is NOT normal growing up - finding yourself - getting independent!! .…. This is cold hearted selfish… I AM GONNA LIVE ANY DAMN WAY I WANT - No Rules to life- hell no!! kind of "I am an adult now!!" Bullshit! These forever teenage punks NEVER grow up.. No, I think we all know people in their 70's and 80's who are STILL punks.. right!
What the hell?…. These ARE NOT CHILDREN!
Forgive? Forget? Trust? - has nothing to do with any of this!! Can you see that? Nothing I do or could do would change the "reality" of what I now KNOW… I could not even go back in time and have that "little boy" and "little girl" in front of me again today…. and see anything but the "sick-heartless, fake, loveless, selfish" person that I now KNOW they will/did become…
Over! And it is over FOREVER, hardest thing in the world. I liken it to cutting of your own arm! Grief, pain, loss, the why why whys! HORRIFIC thing to go through…. But now! I am now FREE! What do you know! I lost something I truly never had to begin with.
Best to you all….
I will always prefer to deal with reality and truth. I just wished there had been classes at the universities that taught us how to "Re-Invent Ourselves"!!!! I love having opportunities and choices again after so many years of numbness and hiding behind closed doors avoiding the inevitable questions!
Ahhhhh, Freedom to live, without all that mind mucking hoopla!! Just road bumps.. hell ya! Life is a highway I'm gonna ride it all night long!! Pour hubby, he has his hands full at the moment keeping me on the ground... (chuckle) Gotta go start that laundry! :)
Estrangement is no game; it's life and death for us to find a way to go on with our lives despite the unconscionable actions of our offspring. As I've said before...they walked away and took our grandkids with them for good measure. This isn't just a broken relationship between and mom/dad and son/daughter; it's generally a total tearing of the fabric of family. We need our wits about us and our utmost courage to -
...carry on.
Forgive me for this... but I am just on the up I guess... I would like to have the "tenacity" or the "bravery" to just once if someone were to say that to me... to spit on their foot or something and then just smile.... lol and when they get all "what the hell" hee hee "upset" I think I am just gonna smile and do it again.... and then as they huff and puff... I am gonna say geez you seem angry... You know anger only hurts the holder of it... lol You know I still don't think they would get it.
As you said, carry on. :)
Heck...reading all kinds of EP forum posts, i feel that way for ALL of "us".
& i don't feel it "hurts" me. I feel it is justified, and a "normal" reaction towards abuse.
Good post, GBOK2! You made me LOL with the "spit on their foot" analogy! TY! Laughter IS the BEST medicine! :)
{{hugz}}
I'm holding onto my anger.....it motivates me to keep the idiots at bay!!!!