The Den Community Group
Pull up a chair and put your feet up. Lie down if necessary! :)
HI, Ok I'm here again.... I keep thinking I am done with this sh-t. And damn damn damn here I go again... another f'n layer..........
I don't think I can go into all that has lead me to this point, so hoping some of you here may have some remembrance... A year and a half a full damn year and a half... I beat and pounded and worked to accept... I let myself.. feel and cry and scream bloody murder and a "accepted" and "greived" and "let to" to the reality!
But. What does the little bitch do? She starts with a Christmas card..... Truly I could see that she just wanted to make sure we knew she had married Mr. Shunner Man!! grrrrr. And we simply threw the card away... IT Stung, and threw us for a time, but we accepted the "truth" of the reason behind her day after Christmas card... for the sad ass thing it was...
But, on little sisters birthday in mid february.... ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!! LittleSis (not estranged) got a birthdaycard from big sis (estranged)... and little sis was hurt and pissed!! She had begged Sister to leave her be... But NOPE big sis just had to let her know how much she had been "thinking" of her..... as she proceeded to "chew" out little sister for being so "heartless" to "imply" that she was "selfish" as she proceeded to tell little sis ALL about her wedding, her day, her honeymoon... the marriage ceremony performed by the vice president of the theology department at the University... grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Oh well, I do see it for what it is... she did not get a good reply from sis... and me... well she proceeded to "our mother" Your mother... that mother of ours.... rant.... oh boy did she rant...
I don't take this kind of thing.... I am a fighter,,, I have had to be in my life... long history of watching my father abuse my mother mentally and physically... and escaping him has been the biggest challenge of my life...
I DO NOT LOVE HER ANYMORE.... I do not want her in my life ever ever ever again....FOREVER!! And honestly this is not ANGER or PAIN speaking... I just DO NOT / Will NOT force myself to LOVE someone who does NOT love ME!
But why is this so hard! and what the hell has me so f'n Stuck!!
Why does it feel somehow like deep down inside or something... by feeling like I do... NOW ...... After just simply accepting the truth... That somehow it makes me feel like I am BAD!! Damn it... or somehow It "erases" all that I was....... I DID love that girl..... I really really did...... but NOW I DONT
ugggggg......Just need someone to KICK ME IN THE PANTS I guess... cause I just can't seem to get this under control in my heart or mind... grrrrrrrrr
I am stuck... little Bitch! and she is pissed that I won't be happy about her "cleaning her three bathrooms" today........ grrrrr She is so damn determined to make me the bad person... while she just can't see!!! I am suppose to be happy that I/my/our whole family was "sold" off ... Shunned by MR BIG SHIT husband of hers,,,, Because she wanted three bathrooms????? grrrrrrr Oh how I would have loved to have been happy for her...
Gold dust women - fleetwoodmac... I just want this "feeling" to stop so I can clean my bathroom!!
Thank you for listening.
I don't think I can go into all that has lead me to this point, so hoping some of you here may have some remembrance... A year and a half a full damn year and a half... I beat and pounded and worked to accept... I let myself.. feel and cry and scream bloody murder and a "accepted" and "greived" and "let to" to the reality!
But. What does the little bitch do? She starts with a Christmas card..... Truly I could see that she just wanted to make sure we knew she had married Mr. Shunner Man!! grrrrr. And we simply threw the card away... IT Stung, and threw us for a time, but we accepted the "truth" of the reason behind her day after Christmas card... for the sad ass thing it was...
But, on little sisters birthday in mid february.... ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!! LittleSis (not estranged) got a birthdaycard from big sis (estranged)... and little sis was hurt and pissed!! She had begged Sister to leave her be... But NOPE big sis just had to let her know how much she had been "thinking" of her..... as she proceeded to "chew" out little sister for being so "heartless" to "imply" that she was "selfish" as she proceeded to tell little sis ALL about her wedding, her day, her honeymoon... the marriage ceremony performed by the vice president of the theology department at the University... grrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Oh well, I do see it for what it is... she did not get a good reply from sis... and me... well she proceeded to "our mother" Your mother... that mother of ours.... rant.... oh boy did she rant...
I don't take this kind of thing.... I am a fighter,,, I have had to be in my life... long history of watching my father abuse my mother mentally and physically... and escaping him has been the biggest challenge of my life...
I DO NOT LOVE HER ANYMORE.... I do not want her in my life ever ever ever again....FOREVER!! And honestly this is not ANGER or PAIN speaking... I just DO NOT / Will NOT force myself to LOVE someone who does NOT love ME!
But why is this so hard! and what the hell has me so f'n Stuck!!
Why does it feel somehow like deep down inside or something... by feeling like I do... NOW ...... After just simply accepting the truth... That somehow it makes me feel like I am BAD!! Damn it... or somehow It "erases" all that I was....... I DID love that girl..... I really really did...... but NOW I DONT
ugggggg......Just need someone to KICK ME IN THE PANTS I guess... cause I just can't seem to get this under control in my heart or mind... grrrrrrrrr
I am stuck... little Bitch! and she is pissed that I won't be happy about her "cleaning her three bathrooms" today........ grrrrr She is so damn determined to make me the bad person... while she just can't see!!! I am suppose to be happy that I/my/our whole family was "sold" off ... Shunned by MR BIG SHIT husband of hers,,,, Because she wanted three bathrooms????? grrrrrrr Oh how I would have loved to have been happy for her...
Gold dust women - fleetwoodmac... I just want this "feeling" to stop so I can clean my bathroom!!
Thank you for listening.
You both can see this (Christmas card for Gonna and communication with sister, Facebook viewable pics for Cara tugging at the heartstrings)...poke, poke, poke.
Ooh yes, they are infuriating! The good news in this high school behavior? You BOTH GOT THEM FIGURED OUT.
No response from you? Won't they just stop? They're looking for a response and the best thing you could do is ignore them. And you've done it, yay!!!!!
Carry on...
Know what? I DID react! Damn it!! Just seems to be the way I am..... grrrrrr..... All I could think was... NO WAY are you gonna come and go sending your little cards... and poking in to "pick" the scabs!!!!! LITTLE BITCH!
You know I think the fact she was able to get me to "react" is probably what has really really left me..... grrrrr pissed! Mad at myself for that..... Damn Cara!! You have really really got it going on!!!! And I am gonna take your lead!!! ha ha And USE my admiration of your STRENGTH!!! I have always loved listening to what you write! :) And pull my self up ,,,,, AGAIN!! HAAA Yeppers I can do this!!!
Thank you Cara, ((hugs))
May ants be at their picnics.... hee hee Flies in their soup... haa haa Maybe a nice muddy puddle the next time they just happen to not be looking.... with five hundred or so people there to see up fall into it. hee hee ......... I am trying to be nice :)
You are right, hard won knowledge for you I bet... Thank you for listening ((MYSTIC))..... dumb mean ass PUNKS!!
I will do the IGNORE next time .... husband tryed to stop me... would I listen? grrrrr OH well,,, I don't give a rats ass anymore! :)
Nobody is gonna clean that bathroom of mine... so ON WITH IT!!
I guess I knew that she was reaching out to us on one level too.... that the wedding was now over.. so MR. Big had given his "approval" I suppose he thought it would be OK now... that maybe we would keep her company while he was off doin whatever.... and we had already been put in our place... made to see that we were going to be the secondary trash family that could be put on the fence any damn time they all wanted.....
WELL... WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER!! haa haa I know I shouldn't have done it... But I did want her to know that it WAS never ever going to happen..... I guess you could say, that I DID cut her out this time... and her raging at me made me believe that it was true...
She chose the man.... she IS married to the man... and now SHE is going to have to make it or break it on HER OWN!!
No way no how... is she going to have let this man treat her family the way they did... her dad the way that man and her did.... And think that we are going to sit there now and PUT up with HIM or HER!!
Yep, I guess this is the way it is... and I just want to go on and LIVE!!
Just sucks that when you get them out of your head... and just start living again... it is almost as though they have a "sensor" or something......Kind of like they saw us "sneaking" out of the "jail" they want to keep us in.... and WHAM!! haa haa
Well f- this ......... I guess I will just have to know that IF or WHEN she does it again... I WILL get over it again....... grrrrrrrrr
All I know is that many of us, and that includes you Gonna, have come a long way and we just don't carry these hurts for as long as we used to and they don't consume us. Especially, after we post here.
So, just know we care for you, you were a good mom and don't let their words and actions rob you of your peace. Lots of Hugs being sent to you.................
And just thank you for your words... and letting me rant here... I guess that is what we all just need from time to time.. :)
(((hugs))
I hope soon this does not hurt as much as it does. It is important to you to admit to yourself that it does hurt that you are human you have been thrown away by a person that you could never imagine doing such a thing.
Its fine to be angry and hurt you are worth that much are you not. When and if the time comes that you have truly accepted it a bit more you will not feel so angry. People who do not matter to us can not provoke any feelings by their actions. Hugs have yourself a nice cup of hot chocolate and pamper yourself a little.
My last and greatest gift of all...... I let her go!
And we are now both free... so I will rant and scream and cry and cuss... because that was the hardest thing in the world I have ever ever had to do..................I told her I hoped that she and him found a way to make this marriage work....... I really really did...... That is the best I could get out......
Those who write that these are just bullying tactics used to get their feed from you are correct. The BEST thing you can do is just ignore them. It might seem frustrating to you, but know that it's a heck of a lot more frustrating to them.
The best thing you can do when they act out in hatred is to give them NOTHING.
Besides, they're like the cops. "Anything you say can & WILL be used against you..."
TC!
{{hugz}}
I have found myself here so many times dealing with the "unconditional love thing" the "forgiveness" thing... and my head spinning..... Funny how right now I am pondering in my mind how ironic..... seems I "unconditionally loved her enough to "stop loving her" and finally decided to never "forgive her" (not like she wanted it or believes she is wrong) but, somehow by "not forgiving her" and taking me out of her life forever.. has somehow made this all Just "over" .......so I am in a weird place right now... where I do not want to have to even "think" of her in anyway - good or bad- but I somehow know that if I dare let myself not yell "bitch" out loud from time to time if she comes into my mind... I would as mystic said "die of a broken heart"
Soo, off I go! I probably won't be around on here much, cause I do let myself sit to much when I am "actively" on here..... But to all of you who find a way to "be" here ---- I thank you so much for being....Big hugs back to each and every one of you.....