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This list was taken from "The Sociopath Next Door", by Martha Stout, Ph.D
13 RULES FOR DEALING WITH SOCIOPATHS IN EVERYDAY LIFE
1. The first rule involves the bitter pill of accepting that some people literally have no conscience.
2. In a contest between your instincts and what is implied by the role a person has taken on---educator, doctor, leader, animal lover humanist, parent, child--go with your instincts. Your unfiltered impressions, though alarming and seemingly outlandish, may well help you out if you will let them. Your best self understands, without being told, that impressive and moral-sounding labels do not bestow conscience on anyone who did not have it to begin with.
3. When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes, regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a three timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.
4. Question authority.
5. Suspect flattery.
6. If necessary redefine your concept of respect. Too often, we mistake fear for respect, and the more fearful we are of someone, the more we view him or her as deserving of our respect.
7. Do not join the game. Intrigue is a sociopath’s tool. Resist the temptation to compete with a seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him. In addition to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, WHICH IS TO PROTECT YOURSELF.
8. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or communication. Sociopaths live completely outside of the social contract, and therefore to include them in relationships or other social arrangements is perilous.
9. Question your tendency to pity too easily. Respect should be reserved for the kind and morally courageous. It should be reserved for innocent people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune.
10. Do not try to redeem the unredeamable. Second chances are for people who possess conscience. If you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, know how to swallow hard and cut your losses. The sociopath’s behavior is not your fault, not in any way whatsoever. It is also not your mission. Your mission is your own life.
11. Never agree, out of pit or for any other reason, to help a sociopath conceal his or her true character. Other people deserve to warned more than sociopaths deserve to have you keep their secrets.
12. Defend your psyche. Do not allow someone without conscience, or even a string of such people, that humanity is a failure. Most human beings do possess conscience and are able to love.
13. Living well is the best revenge.
13 RULES FOR DEALING WITH SOCIOPATHS IN EVERYDAY LIFE
1. The first rule involves the bitter pill of accepting that some people literally have no conscience.
2. In a contest between your instincts and what is implied by the role a person has taken on---educator, doctor, leader, animal lover humanist, parent, child--go with your instincts. Your unfiltered impressions, though alarming and seemingly outlandish, may well help you out if you will let them. Your best self understands, without being told, that impressive and moral-sounding labels do not bestow conscience on anyone who did not have it to begin with.
3. When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes, regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. Make the Rule of Threes your personal policy. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets, or your affection to a three timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.
4. Question authority.
5. Suspect flattery.
6. If necessary redefine your concept of respect. Too often, we mistake fear for respect, and the more fearful we are of someone, the more we view him or her as deserving of our respect.
7. Do not join the game. Intrigue is a sociopath’s tool. Resist the temptation to compete with a seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him. In addition to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, WHICH IS TO PROTECT YOURSELF.
8. The best way to protect yourself from a sociopath is to avoid him, to refuse any kind of contact or communication. Sociopaths live completely outside of the social contract, and therefore to include them in relationships or other social arrangements is perilous.
9. Question your tendency to pity too easily. Respect should be reserved for the kind and morally courageous. It should be reserved for innocent people who are in genuine pain or who have fallen on misfortune.
10. Do not try to redeem the unredeamable. Second chances are for people who possess conscience. If you are dealing with a person who has no conscience, know how to swallow hard and cut your losses. The sociopath’s behavior is not your fault, not in any way whatsoever. It is also not your mission. Your mission is your own life.
11. Never agree, out of pit or for any other reason, to help a sociopath conceal his or her true character. Other people deserve to warned more than sociopaths deserve to have you keep their secrets.
12. Defend your psyche. Do not allow someone without conscience, or even a string of such people, that humanity is a failure. Most human beings do possess conscience and are able to love.
13. Living well is the best revenge.
If everyone stays out of everyones business, thats good enough for me.
Im sure this sounds simplistic and many of you have circumstances that are far more complicated where this cannot work.
I get in trouble when I feel pity for the sociopath who has worked me into feeling sorry for them on some level. Keeping in mind that they just don't care and are incapable of caring is really important for me.
Now I dont care who knows as everybody who.knows us is certain that they didnt learn this behaviour from us. I need to commit these rules to memory!
The lack of empathy is amazing to me, especially if this person is a close family member. I would have more empathy for a stranger, just general empathy for the feelings, hurts and emotions of others. Sociopaths? They expect empathy from you, but are too full of themselves to throw you a bone...unless it just might get them something.
I should re-read this book, it was so good. Heck, I should purchase it!
Without a conscience, they do not have the ability to empathize which translates to they don't think about you at all.
It's about a human being, plowing thru life with the in-ablitly to feel anything but their own feelings. They want love but can't give it. They feel anger but can't comprehend when someone shows anger towards them. They feel all the emotions we (normal people) do.... anger, hurt, depression, love, sadness, happiness, etc., but they literally have no comprehension how anyone other than themselves can feel those very same things.
Their behavior is not about you. It's ALWAYS all about them. This is not a choice for the sociopath (or a narcissist). It's just their world. Much like having a car with no wheels, or a pool with no water, or a bird feeder with no seed.... they are incomplete. This is not something they choose, but rather fundamentally and psychologically all they know. Once you understand this, you are able to stop taking their behavior personally.
Having said all that, dealing with their behavior is still a burden we have to bear. It is especially difficult when the sociopath is a family member.... especially your own child. The parent to child relationship makes for a monumental tug of war for the parent. Understanding the disease and accepting the reality that even with all the love and commitment a parent can muster, and then some, there is nothing you can do to help them or change them, or give them, that will enable them to have the ability to empathize. This leave you no recourse but to protect yourself (and your life) from them.
It does us no good to be angry with them or be hopeful they will change. A true sociopath or narcissist is biologically unchangeable. As hard as it is to walk away or write one of our children out of our lives, it is necessary for our own well being. If you take a step back... ok... take a lot of steps back..... (think outer space)... and look in... You get only one life. In the grand scheme of things, each person on earth is given only one life. It is crucial that you live YOUR life well, regardless of the challenges you are given. Don't let the trials that these adult children have given us ruin the one life we have been given. They're adults now, and the life they lead is on them now.
I propose to amend # 13 above to just .... Live well. Forget the revenge. It will only eat up unfulfilled time from your life. They don't have the ability to care and it only takes up precious time out of your life that could be spent "living well".
"Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."
~Confucius Chinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC).
BJ, I agree with one exception.....when you add evil to Sociopathic Personality you get someone who takes great pleasure in manipulation and destruction. We have such a Demon in our DIL....very cunning, very intelligent, very beautiful and very dangerous! Don't walk away from these, RUN and HIDE, any contact will only bring misery and catastophy.
Impossible though for us inlaws. Only our adult children can make those decisions and obviously - they haven't.
And I just mostly avoided him. He was a college frat brother of my ex. Slowly over the years, I've seen people see how he really is. Heard through the grapevine that his daughter stabbed him in the face and spent time in prison...but never learned if that was really true..... And I was not curious enough to care.
Is there any hope for the sociopath?? Can or do they EVER change??
Sounds like sociopath behavior is alot like personality disorder ... what are the differences, anyone know?? My ED has shown an extreme lack of empathy or conscience based on what she has done during this estrangement ... if she is in fact sociopathic does that mean she always will be or is there some kind of treatment??
Sociopath is a Personality disorder, and the most dangerous in my opinion. Other personality disorders such as Bi-Polar, Manic Depressives, Narcisist and Borderline are much more manageable from what I have read about this subject.
I do believe a person can change anything about themselves if they see the need....but most don't ever see the need or have the fortitude to change. There is a theory that is talked about in the movie "What the Bleep Do We Know". According to this theory we can become physically "addicted" to behaviors. It is a physiolocal change at a cellular level. Receptors on the cells are blocked and then reproduce more blocked cells. Very interesting stuff. If you haven't seen the movie I highly recommend it. I have watched it several times and learn something new each time. I am going to bring it to the Conclave so anyone there can see it if they like.