jc, i don't recall that comment , but will go back and look again.
you're not being negative you're dealing with soem of the highest level life stressors you can. anyone can. can you see a counselor or therapist now? you need extra support. i'm glad you were honest with your husband and us. egads, wanting to escape is normal when this is your life 24/7, but dying is not an option, gal.
i wish i could come help so much. at all moments of the day i'm praying for you. honestly.
this is a terrible situation, but it is fixable over time.
honey, call me if you want. i have to go out for an hour at most. i'll be home by 12:30 my time.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I, too, wish I lived closer so I could spell you with Jamie and GS. Sending out all my spoons, prayers and comforting hugs I can muster. And no one could replace you in Jamie's heart. You are the only mom she'll ever have. I think she's very lucky to have you. Many moms would not sign on to be their daughter's caretaker. But you did. For God's sake, throw those suicidal thoughts out of your brain. You need to talk with a professional about everything going on in your life and how you are REALLY feeling. Godspeed my friend.

Well we wouldn't be better without you! I don't know who made that comment to you, but no one has that right to say anything about being negative with all your dealing with. Let anyone walk in your shoes and then comment about it. I'm not surprised you picked up your cigarettes and had a few. Scott didn't the same when his son went missing.

I can tell you for sure that I would miss you terribly if you weren't here with those one liners you throw out and make me laugh on a bad day. I only wish I could do the same for you. Please hang on there JC, and know I'm holding you tightly, praying for a miracle for your daughter and for relief for you as well.

I'm here if you need me!

Love you lots honey,

Xoxoxoxo

Mary Ellen

its not surprising that those dark thoughts have been crossing your mind, you have so much on your plate JC. i dont look down on you one bit, not for wanting to sleep not for taking extra meds not for thinking someone would be better off to care for Jaime and her lil boy, not for smoking. im glad you have opened up like you have, i think it helps even if it doesnt seem like it. theres got to be a bit of relief getting things off your chest. it helps me understand and it tells me where in my heart i need to ask for help for you.

keeping things inside, well, theres always the danger that it festers and grows so big that a mind can literally snap. im offering an ear a shoulder suspenders to help keep your trousers up, if only for another day. one day at a time ok. adding physical pain to the mix is like lighting a Molotov Cocktail to it all.

being at a breaking point brought me to DS. i was searching for a local support group for people that cut themselves to deal with all that life has thrown at them along with many other sad sad things. i have yet to find that group but i found all of you and for this im grateful. my point is, it DOES get better. even at one of the lowest of lowest parts of my life i bounced back better than before. and although i know it doesnt seem like it now, you will too....but it takes work, hard work to live. death may seem easy but please if anything try just try to remember this, things dont end when you die...you live on through the people you leave behind. this may make you angry but it is very true. when i heard this it made me sooo angry. but its kept me alive. i am sooo glad i never succeeded.

im here for you. period. through thick and thin through pain and heartache.

Thank you all so much for unwavering support.

To clarify.. the remark about the ugly wasn't derogatory.
..I think it was Joanne, reminding me that we're here to share it all.. the good, the bad, and the ugly.
She was ENcouraging.. not DIScouraging ( sorry for the misunderstanding on that.

I can't believe you guys. I was so embarrassed right after I posted this..I asked Toni to erase it.
You'all are the best.

..I hope some of you.. like a couple have mentioned..
Remember me before...
When my best efforts were usually that laughter is the best medicine.

jc, i do remember those days and i'm sure others do as well and i strongly trust you will find them again. i know that's your true spirit. i love your dry wit and wry take on things. you're a trooper and it takes a strong person to reach out and be truly honest.
i hope knowing we're here and believe in you helps in some way.
much love and hope for better days, xoxo

I am so sorry that I hurt you. What I meant is when love abounds like this check on we can share ALL of our struggles and at times what we are going through to us is pretty ugly. Life really sucks at times and we are here to support ALL. My heart is broken thinking I caused you further pain.

Joanne.. you DIDN'T hurt me, at all. That's what I tried to clear up in my last comment.
You've been nothing but kind and supportive..
It was my lousy phrasing on how I started this thread that confused others.

..I know you meant nothing but, share your truth..
And, I thank you for that..
Because it's been eating me up from the inside out.
Luvsnhugs

JC the reality of life is it is real and sometime it gets raw. Few will expose it or admitt it. I have some good friends here who do and they are the ones who keep me going.

I could never, ever live up to the life of some. Others I know well and I admire their tenacity and they give me
strength each day to want to do more than I do. We learn from one another on this forum. This is more than coffee cup hour. I feel the strength from so many here. There vibes come through the fiber optics or copper wires or whatever connects my wireless.

It isn't always easy to make it here. For there is a cost. Pain being one, for sure that is true for our friend Seek, I know so it is so often for Toni. Many others. For you it is time away from your girl. So when you can come , come. No matter the time or message.

By the way my money is on you.

love and peace
hippy

Janis sorry I wasn't here to delete your post, but truthfully i'm glad you see the support you get when you open up too.

I don't think you realize how much everyone understands the "I'm being swallowed up by all of this" feelings you are having. And how much everyone wants to lend a shoulder for you to lean on.

One day when the time is right you'll be ready to crack a joke or too, but all in it's own time. In the meantime go talk to a counselor.....hey there is usually help at the hospital for family members/caretakers of struggling patients.

If it makes you feel any better I'm waving my flag.....I fight off those feelings myself and thankfully have a someone who listens. Took me forever to open up too, but guarantee you the steam feels better outside of the kettle.

Willing to listen anytime and sure do love you bunches,
Toni

Hi JC, I'm sorry I am just seeing this now. I applaud you for speaking your truth, I applaud you for telling your husband, I applaud you for getting up each morning, I applaud you for the love and care that you give your daughter & Eli. I applaud you for your strength. I applaud you for the guts it took to let everyone in on what's really going on. That tells me you want to live much more than you want to check out. I thank you for validating how I feel a lot of the time it lets me know I'm not alone. It lets me know I'm not the only one who may take extra meds if for no other reason than to sleep the day away to escape the pain. That said I have found no matter how much I sleep the pain is still there & that's where this group has saved me time & time again without even realizing it. I quit smoking for three years and foolishly went back to it. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't regret it & there isn't a day that goes by that it doesn't help to releave the stress. I just wanted you to know that I get it.

In no way shape or form will I say I get what your going through emotionally and the enormity of it all. I do know that we are all here for you, not to judge, but to accept and to hopefully be the support that you need and to let you know your not alone. This world would loose a great beacon of light if you were not in it. No one could ever love your daughter and Eli as you do. I know how bad you wish you could take it all for Jamie to ease her pain, but Darlin while that can't be I can guarantee you do that every single day just by being you. I remember the first time I saw those fuzzy slippers on the home page. It showed a Whitty remark you made to someone in the cp group. It was because of that remark that I clicked on it and I found the cp group that helped me for so long before it went downhill and I was invited the this wonderful family. So my dear if it weren't for you I probably wouldn't be here, betcha didn't know that huh?! :)

There isn't a day that goes by when your on that you don't make me smile or laugh. While this post wasn't filled with your one liners it still made me smile because you took the hardest step of them all.....you reached out and spoke your truth and that my dear is a first step in beginning to heal. Someone had mentioned seeking out a support group. I know the hospitals often offer a caregivers support group. If they don't have one they or social services may know of one. In our local paper they list one its in the section that lists AA or Bariatric groups among others. It would be in your towns paper & probably not in the larger newspaper. I think seeing a therapist is also a good idea. It never hurts to add more tools with the spoons. Please know that I am here for you 24/7, you have both numbers please don't hesitate to use them or pm me if you prefer. You had mentioned in your last post about not wanting to say too much as your stuff was showing up in different places. One way around that is to write a message and just put a check mark beside those of us in this group that way it comes as a pm and no one can see that to my knowledge. Still sending up prayers for healing, comfort, diminished pain & peace of mind, body & spirit. I love you bunches my friend.

Love & God bless
Lisa