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It's not unwillingness..
I trust you guys with my heart..
I just can't often find the words for what's really going on.
Or.. it would just take too many words.
I have a DR appointment today with GP
Because I strongly feel something serious is imminent.
Y'all know I'm not a drama queen. In fact, despise drama.
For myself..
I want to be done with this and that specialist..
Tests, procedures, surgeries....
And just have pain and health managed enough
to have the best quality of life that I can.
The jaw issues aside..I've been pretty ill the last couple/few months.
Fevers, extremely swollen glands, weight loss ( complete muscle wasting.....
Yesterday I had incredible chest pain, going into my back, neck, jaw, and head.
The last time these things were occurring..
They said I was at high risk for a cardio event.
I've since also found out I am a high stroke risk.
MY inclination would be to just let any/all of that play itself out.
I am tired.
( I don't want to die..
But, only want to live with a certain quality of life..
If that becomes impossible..
Well.. I'm tired.
BUT..
My daughter is not doing at all well.
I can't imagine her life without me.
Or Elijah.
( my sister would raise Eli if anything happens to his Mom..
Even if I were here ( which wouldn't last long.. I just haven't got it in me to bear that loss)
I don't know what I'm saying here.
I know Dr is going to reccomend a bunch of stuff I had determined to be done with before my daughters stroke.
I guess giving up is no longer an option.
But, I am so tired.
Sorry for being a downer.
If anything were to happen to me..
Other than how hard it would be for my family..
You guys shouldn't feel bad for me..
Maybe the grass isn't always greener on this side of it.
And..
Y'all have been GREAT friends.
I love you.
Hugs
jc
I trust you guys with my heart..
I just can't often find the words for what's really going on.
Or.. it would just take too many words.
I have a DR appointment today with GP
Because I strongly feel something serious is imminent.
Y'all know I'm not a drama queen. In fact, despise drama.
For myself..
I want to be done with this and that specialist..
Tests, procedures, surgeries....
And just have pain and health managed enough
to have the best quality of life that I can.
The jaw issues aside..I've been pretty ill the last couple/few months.
Fevers, extremely swollen glands, weight loss ( complete muscle wasting.....
Yesterday I had incredible chest pain, going into my back, neck, jaw, and head.
The last time these things were occurring..
They said I was at high risk for a cardio event.
I've since also found out I am a high stroke risk.
MY inclination would be to just let any/all of that play itself out.
I am tired.
( I don't want to die..
But, only want to live with a certain quality of life..
If that becomes impossible..
Well.. I'm tired.
BUT..
My daughter is not doing at all well.
I can't imagine her life without me.
Or Elijah.
( my sister would raise Eli if anything happens to his Mom..
Even if I were here ( which wouldn't last long.. I just haven't got it in me to bear that loss)
I don't know what I'm saying here.
I know Dr is going to reccomend a bunch of stuff I had determined to be done with before my daughters stroke.
I guess giving up is no longer an option.
But, I am so tired.
Sorry for being a downer.
If anything were to happen to me..
Other than how hard it would be for my family..
You guys shouldn't feel bad for me..
Maybe the grass isn't always greener on this side of it.
And..
Y'all have been GREAT friends.
I love you.
Hugs
jc
I truly understand your thoughts right now. The doctor's were once very concerned about my heath. I had a stroke, about two years later, followed by an aneurism within month. It's scary. Especially when the docs say, "I'll give her --- Months." 15+ Years later, I'm still here, making liars out of those doctors!!!
You can do it too. Can, and will!!!!
Wow.. you have been through it.. and then some.
You must be one tough lady.
E4..
I'll be thinkin' of you and your appointment today, hun.
..and.. all the same back to you.
..I'm sorry for the tone of this post.
I'm probably just reacting to how severe that pain was yesterday.
Can honestly say, it was the worst ( physical) pain I've ever felt.
And, that was through tons of meds.. can't imagine what it would be like without them.
Douglas wanted me to go to ER, and I probably should have.
..I'm afraid I was, incredibly selfishly.. willing to just let whatever happened happen.
I CAN't do that to, mostly my daughter right now.
Nor my son, or Eli.
( of course, that would be horrible for my husband and family, too..
But, they don't NEED me the way my kids and Eli do.
I guess the good news is..
My Sis is taking Elijah the middle of next month and will keep him indefinitely as need until kindergarden starts..
So..if I absolutely have to..
I can take care of some of what's been put off so I can care for him.
And address more of Jaimies issues than I can when caring for him.
Thanks for always being here.
( you guys would not believe how fast I'm typing this... and my hands/feet are in a horrid flare..
Weird.
Hugs
holding you close and hoping for the best. big hugs
You are so incredible and inspiring to me, you fight in spite of "it all". Though I certainly understand why you want the "peace". I'm so relieved for you that your sister is taking Eli for awhile so you can just breath a little better.
I hope that flare lets up and I hope you always know how important you are to all of us here.
Love you always and Brandi said Hugs back ;)
your presence is always a plus
The love you share is so special
This chest pain, back pain, strange, not feeling not right
These are all signs for a cardiac event,
We have many suttle messages that our body is giving us
Please pay attention and do what you NEED to do
Please go see your doctor, let them help you
If you are not well it is not good for you or your family
Please seek help
Love n Hugs
Michael
Good for you!!!!!
Meds or not, we need a place we feel comfortable to express. Here is the place!!! You're not as alone as you think.
So good to hear you will see the GP today. Keeping you close in thoughts. Know the scene with scrutinizing your med regime and contradictions. Also the bloody tests. One step at a time. Douglas needs this in lieu of yesterday.
You Drama, I think not. No drama in you. In fact just the opposite. Thank you for updating us when you are feeling miserable.
love and peace my friend
hippy
Know that I love you dearly and have appreciated your friendship since I started on DS. You've always made me laugh, you just have that way about you. I wish I could say things will get better, but I don't know that and you and I have talked, so I know you don't say things just to get a reaction. I know if you day it's that bad, then it is.
I wish I could Say I could take away your pain but I know I can't. I do understand to a point, about feeling so bad that you're tired of all the different drs appointments and just wish let everything play out as it would. That would be the easy way sometimes, I know. At different times in my life, I've felt exactly the same so I can't blame you one bit. I just want you to know that I'm glad I've had your friendship for as long as I've been here. I pray this isn't the end or near the end for you, but know I love you dearly and am around if you need to talk later.
You and your daughter are always in my prayers honey. I know you definitely tell things as they are so I know you are telling the truth about how you feel and what you wish.
I hope you can find some peace JC, because I do think that's what you need, but don't have much of because you're worrying about other's instead of just worrying about yourself.
Love you lots,
Xoxoxo
Mary Ellen
We all deal with whatever we have medically and pain wise. Living day to day and not always knowing the future is the most problematic in my opinion. It comes down to what to do........always what to do.
One of the must " to do " is please to go to the ER when the pain is that great. Both Jeb and me have learned that lesson by going into vaso vegal responses and for him indeed a heart attack. It is selfish to want you around but I do as your family not only wants you around but needs you..
It is hard for me to open up due to being rather a private person.......really! So I can identify with you. Trust isn't the issue like you stated.
Most of us have a reason for sticking around or feel we need to...for you it is your daughter. Jeb is my inspiration.
You are loved.....
Peace
As many have stated, please go the ER when the pain gets that bad. I too selfishly want you around for many, many years to come as does your family. I am glad your sister will be taking Eli for awhile. You will now be able to "really" rest and take care of you, one step at a time, one issue at a time and on your time and your rules. Darlin my phone is always on except in the bedroom so if you should ever call & get my VM I'm usually sleeping but will call you back as soon as I see your message, feel free to pm as well. Sending lots of love, gentle hugs and many healing and comforting sparkles.
Love & Hugs
Lisa