The Circle Community Group
The Circle is a Chronic Pain Support room known to it's members for their faithful, generous and outstanding support. Throw in a splash of humor to help you get through your days. New members welcome.
Well guys and gals,
I suppose I can trust you guys to tell you I'm about ready to lose it. Six very bad days in a row is unusual for me. Not sure the problem. I know work is not who I am, but right now is not the time to be quitting.
As I said in the check-in, last night was a little scary. Headache was over a 9 and BP was high. I took my BP meds and felt a little better. Right now I'm just beat up. How beat up you ask?
Ready for this? I was in a lot of pain all over yesterday. I went to lunch and sat in my car. After a few, I had to pee real bad. I take water pills. Between my overall body pain and bladder pain I couldnt take it. The bathroom in my building is VERY far away. So I found a McDonalds cup in my car. I looked around the parking lot and no one was around. I tried to pee in the McDonalds cup but it was too small.
I began to pee all over my pants, my floor, the sterring wheel, you name it. And you know, I didnt really give a flying f**k. I sat there and soiled myself like an old man laying in a hospital bed ready to die. So what has my life become? Is this worth it?There is nothing anyone can say or do that will change my situation. It is what it is.No doctor can help me. Two brain surgeries is enough. So for now, Im gonna work and try and stay afloat. Save as much money as I can.I suppose this too will pass and I will be better.
But what has life become when I sit in my car and soil myself and not even care. Sorry to mention this but this is all exhausting to me. For those who have been at this longer than me or are sicker, my hat and heart go out to you.As they say in my favorite movie "every man has his breaking point". maybe I reached it.
I was told this is the place to come. So I have come. Just listen and offer what you can.....
Martin
I suppose I can trust you guys to tell you I'm about ready to lose it. Six very bad days in a row is unusual for me. Not sure the problem. I know work is not who I am, but right now is not the time to be quitting.
As I said in the check-in, last night was a little scary. Headache was over a 9 and BP was high. I took my BP meds and felt a little better. Right now I'm just beat up. How beat up you ask?
Ready for this? I was in a lot of pain all over yesterday. I went to lunch and sat in my car. After a few, I had to pee real bad. I take water pills. Between my overall body pain and bladder pain I couldnt take it. The bathroom in my building is VERY far away. So I found a McDonalds cup in my car. I looked around the parking lot and no one was around. I tried to pee in the McDonalds cup but it was too small.
I began to pee all over my pants, my floor, the sterring wheel, you name it. And you know, I didnt really give a flying f**k. I sat there and soiled myself like an old man laying in a hospital bed ready to die. So what has my life become? Is this worth it?There is nothing anyone can say or do that will change my situation. It is what it is.No doctor can help me. Two brain surgeries is enough. So for now, Im gonna work and try and stay afloat. Save as much money as I can.I suppose this too will pass and I will be better.
But what has life become when I sit in my car and soil myself and not even care. Sorry to mention this but this is all exhausting to me. For those who have been at this longer than me or are sicker, my hat and heart go out to you.As they say in my favorite movie "every man has his breaking point". maybe I reached it.
I was told this is the place to come. So I have come. Just listen and offer what you can.....
Martin
Let me add so it is understood. I was well capable of holding it or going on my own. I just didnt care where it went. It was not incontinence at all. I willingly did it. Thats the scary part. Thanks.
M
i know financial security is very important and it sounds like you're making a plan, but how long can this go on. you had a stroke on the job! they know this and don't seem to have taken any steps to understand the repercussions you live with.
it sounds like you are frustrated and getting depressed.
there have to be some resources, but i'm just not sure of where to start right now...
sending big hugs and prayers for some relief and hope for you.
I sure get the I don't give a crap mind set
I am right there with yea,
The not caring
The it's too much to care about right now
I'm so sorry your dealing with all of this
I get being overwhelmed
I'm there myself these days
Good luck,
Peace n hugs
Michael
I wish there was an easy answer to give you in helping with this unrelenting situation with work. What happened to you as you sat in the car in an all too familiar scene for many of us. The inevitable feeling of the " why " of things. Also having had brain surgeries can cause jumbled emotional responses at times and it was just coincidental that you needed to urinate. It is not a sign you are losing it about soiling yourself. What it is-a sign to seriously rethink your financial situation. Finding another job can be a horrendous task. Going on long term disability? Do you have Vocational Rehab in your area? They can help you find new employment.
You are a sensitive, caring and worthwhile person. You are having an emotional roller coastal and trying to jump off in midstream. We are here with the safety net. We are alone in life but we are not alone when someone reaches out with a lifeline from their heart.
I have sent you a lifeline..........
Hell, if it will make you feel better, I'll pee my pants too. :)
Six shitty days + pain + brutal headaches/head trauma = Breaking point and that slippery slope.
My breaking point was around 15 yrs ago and I basically gave up. Even my wife noticed since she often asks, "why don't you care about anything anymore? What happened to that man I once knew"?
Being in our situations it becomes very easy to lose ourselves in our own misery, the mind twists and distorts. We even may reach the point that thinking about a well placed bullet in our own head becomes the only thing that makes us smile, or even becomes our "new" hope. Been there too often.
So how do we move forward when we no longer care, to battle with ourselves since we have become our own worst enemy and we no longer give a shit. Two simple words that i have preached, practiced and do struggle with, "self love". If you're like me from soo long ago, you're probably having a WTF, eye rolling, head shaking moment right about now.
I first heard this idea 30 yrs back and it took me around 20 years to finally give it try. I just said I love you each time I was in front of the mirror and it only took a few months to stop cussing after I said that. Yet over time I finally accepted those words and around the 6th month mark I could feel a change inside, a good one. Still in pain, still the daily headaches and those haunting memories, but I felt somewhat empowered and my situation didn't have as much of a negative effect on me.
The truly hard part in doing this is the discipline to do it. We almost have to become our own parent to gently remind and encourage ourselves to do "our homework" on ourselves. I should also add those of us who have been abused for a lengthy time, whatever the circumstances, doing this will help, yet we may often still return to that pain and misery since deep down inside it was beaten into us that we deserve feeling that pain and misery, WE DO NOT and those issues need to be eventually addressed and dealt with if we truly want to find some peace.
Also try to find something you really enjoy doing alone. I say alone since it's usually when we're alone when that misery hit's us the hardest and at those times it's up to us to be our own best friend. This could be something as simple as closing your eyes and visualizing yourself at your favorite place. My last job was extremely painful and I would eat my lunch, eyes closed in my favorite spot. That was my get away moment and it did help bring a calmness to the inner turmoil.
Since I grew up with multiple head traumas I've researched the long term effects of that and everything you're going definitely fits that criteria. That really help me understand the "enemy" and the lasting effects, thus I can have checks and balances in place when needed (although there at times nothing works).
Remember this group is VERY well dominated by the female gender, us few men NEED YOU HERE!!!! If the one of us should fall the rest may be overcome by all the estrogen!! Strength in numbers....
You have so much going on and carrying pain with limitations on top of a work load is a hard thing to do. When I said work is only part of who you are, I didn't mean stop working. I meant don't take it too seriously. I use to think if I wasn't in my job anymore the place would crumble without me, it didn't. You are the only one of you in the world, that makes you very unique and special. A job only gets the work//financial part of you, the rest of you goes into home, sharing, health, love, happiness, marriage, joy, poker, beaches, smiles, FC, hugs, life, lits, martinis, the many things that you work on to improve each day so you can enjoy your life more.
Draw a circle and make slices of all that's important to you. You'll find out that work is just a small part of it.
Please come in here more often and vent. Write in your journal here or start one at home. Talk to your doctor about how you're feeling. Talk to someone in real time. There are things you can do to help like PM me anytime ;)
Hang in there the Circle will catch you!
Love and Hugs........
((((Hugs))))
I'm so sorry your going through such a difficult time right now, but am awfully glad that you trusted us enough to share. I've been where you are and should probably say am where you are & it's a lonely place. Under the disability act it is my understanding that your work is obligated to make whatever adjustments (within reason) that you need to be able to do your job. Darlin I would really consider asking them to lighten your load to ease some of the stress. Would it be possible for you to work say two half days during the week and see if that helps. You know how to reach me. I/we've got your back and will carry you through until the sun shines through your clouds.
Love & Hugs
Lisa
On a side note: Blaine your post was absolutely wonderful. You've given me much food for thought, thank you my friend!
Thank you for allowing me the time and place to vent. I suppose it was mostly a personal journal entry but also a cry for help from friends. And the reposne was awesome. Its just when you go so many days with no fun and pain it becomes a bit much. My wife does NOT get this although otherwise she is helpful.
I have asked to go part time at work and was told rather flatly no. So theyd rather me have strokes at lunch and come back to work? Apparently.
Toni- you are right on with the enjoying life and lits, martinis etc. That is what is missing. Its not thjat I dont WANT those things. But if an LIT make my headache worse then what am I acccomplishing?
Im sure tis perhaps a bump in the road but the roller coaster is going too low.
Blaine- lots of wisdom from you and I get all of what you're saying. As far as finding my favorite alone spot, I do have a few. Like I sit in my car at lunch and relax. And then Wedsnesday I did that and.....I shit my pants lol. so that is what begs the question Now What?
Thanks to everyone for responding and digging me out of the gutter.
Martin