jc, i so understand that (except being a mother and doubly suffering for your kids) and i get concerned about that for my mother.
i understand your belief system and respect that.

do you ever meditate? there's some good music on youtube to help. other things like drawing, writing poetry (it doesn't have to be pretty or perfect. it can be screaming poetry), blaring music, venting on the phone, a bath or shower (of course, but just to let the cares run off or to have a good cry...i need it all and sometimes have to push myself to do any of it.

man, i just took it out on a CS rep which i hate to do and i thanked him so much and apologized, but my wick is short right now, so i would definitely not suggest doing that one.

i hope this is of some help to you or that you find something that works.

love you dear

sorry

Thank you, S.
I worry about my Mom, too.
I try to keep talk of how I'm doing.. or my kids, lately..
As positive as I can for my Mom..
Because I know how hard it is for her to have her daughter and grandchildren having such health problems.
Unfortunately..
I had let things build up in me, and was feeling very emotional the last time she asked how everyone was doing..
And gave her the full on ugly crying version.
I need to not do that ( although she constantly reassures me that I " need" to " vent"..
Because.. the truth is.. there is NOTHING she can do about any of it but worry.
Why should I make her " golden" years more unhappy so that I can vent?
Ha.. I can make you guys miserable, and vent here instead.

Music..
Good idea. I forget that one.
Huhs

Dan it.. those "huhs" are on purpose.. my most common mistype.:-)

Thank you, MsMinnie
Hugs

Seriously?
that was..danG it.. :-) and.. are NOT on purpose. :-) haha..

oh, i totally lie to my mother unless we're in public and i can't take it and have to abort plans.

i have a playlist on youtube called pain which is hard rock, which soothes me when i'm ready to blow, (and every other kind) and it really does wonders for me. i think i've blown out speakers with the pain one.

Hi JC, I hope you'll forgive me for being direct as my thoughts are coming from a place of love. What you describe with your emotions it sounds like you are experiencing the stages of grief. Grief just plain sucks as it can & will rear its ugly head whenever it feels like it.

IMHO when your daughter was living with you, you had both her & Eli to care for & while the emotions were there some probably got put on the back burner and now that she's back at her place this leaves you with extra time and thoughts. I apologize if I'm way off base, I just truly believe your going through the "normal" sh*++y steps. Ha, as I'm writing this there's a couple wild turkeys teasing my little guys, they bark at them & they squawk back this has been going on for over 20min...too funny!

You had mentioned a graditude journal, have you tried a venting journal? Just write out all that irritates you, after you've finished writing it out write out one thing that you could work on for the day or week. Example: instead of being bitter when I hear xyz I will remind myself that I'm thankful for xyz....just a thought.

You have every right to feel as you do. Go sit in your car and just scream as loud as you can, try guided meditation it works wonders, play a favorite song, crank it up and dance it out. I'm so thankful and humbled that you shared all you did. I can guarantee you will help many by sharing your truth, I know it's helped me, thank you. I probably should have answered this after I'd had some sleep...oh well. Just know I love you bunches and am here anytime you need a friend. (((Hugs)))

Love & Hugs
Lisa

Since I have a hard time comprehending everything you're going through, I can't really offer any advice on how to feel better other than what Serenity suggested. You've been dealt a shitty hand for quite a while now. Acceptance of how things ARE, rather than how I would have them, at least for me, is a process. All I know how to do is listen if you should call.

I think of you often.

Huhs,

Dianna

Thank you, Lisa, for your thoughtful reply when you have so much going on yourself.
I think you're right on a number of things.
While I have Elijah more often than not,
Once he's asleep..
It all rolls over me like a wave sometimes.
And.. Jaimie not being here adds to it all,
As she is not really able to care for herself.

Again.. thanks for caring, L.
Hugs

Dianna..
I know that your caring is deeply heartfelt.. and appreciate it more than you know.
Huhs

Hey, all..
I wanted to clarify..
I appreciate it when people of faith say they are praying for me/my family.
I know it is a way of caring and nurturing.

I only meant, advisin me to pray wouldn't be helpful to me..
Because I don't share those beliefs.
Hugs

JC-

In the first place I don't see anything wrong with this picture. Just what you call it as " bitter ".

There isn't a day or minute that doesn't go by that I cannot comprehend what my children are experiencing and it doesn't seem fair. My Dad is 90 and he says he has never had a moment when he didn't feel guilty and/or sad because I inherited not only his but my Mother's health issues.

It is normal to have the " Holy Crap Batman shut up!!! ......this is response to someone complaining bc there child has in my narrow mind a small health issue........or just on Mother's day someone was complaining behind me about her stiff neck and no one could ever understand the amount of pain she was having......

JC-Really, I don't think those are " bitter thoughts " just the reality of the why..My GD had a miscarriage due to her husband does not have normal sperm and she asked if it is ok to not only be jealous but pissed. Yes.

I don't know if this helps.........I just want you to know IRL there are many parents that feel the same.........due to Spencer and Jeb's birth to now and hanging with parents in the same situation and many of them also have health issues.

Hope I didn't make you feel worse..........just wanted you to know that you are indeed in a group.

Everyday I do a " I am grateful for '..........then I give myself permission to have thoughts of the not so nice

Apparently I have not helped you......just clarified you are normal with your thoughts based on all the families I know with children/self in hurt........

Please Peace

JC I've felt myself getting bitter too as the years have gone by and have been working on it. I don't want to be that person either. I remind myself that others experiences don't take anything away from mine. In fact if I allow myself to look at the whole picture it gives me hope and can actually bring something positive to my day.

I also like Lisa's vent journal, I'm going to remember that one myself!

I'm not trying to take anything away from you, I feel so much empathy for your situation. I encourage you to call those IRL friends and take some time for yourself, maybe talk with them. I know it's risky when they might do the oh my kids do such and such, but don't be afraid to override and say I need someone to listen to me right now.

And always allow and know it's alright to feel resentment for what all your family has been through. By doing this it lets off some of that steam and you won't feel so harsh. Also give yourself plenty of me time if it means calling in someone to help.

No one here expects you to pray, we respect your beliefs! Believe it or not, there are others just like you here ;). We love you just the same.

Thanks for your trust and love you always, hope is always there for you

JC... I totally understand where you are coming from. I struggle with it myself.
I just wanted you to know I care about you and I admire you.

xoxoxo
Autumn

Thanks, all.

MD..
You have helped me. I k ow that you know from personal experience what it's like to struggle
With our kids mental and physical health problems..
And how overwhelming it all can become when our own health problems are already sometimes feeling like too much. It does help to know that you get it. ( although, of course, I'm sorry that you do.)

Thanks, T. You mean there are other hedonists, too? :-) :-)

Autumn..
That means so much coming from someone that I admire so much.

Thanks, everyone, for your time and understanding.
Luvnhugs
jc