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This is going to take forever to type.
I went to the clinic where my GP retired from,
And had an appointment with a new PA.
First..I was surprised that she didn't react, at all..
To the meds I'm on. Turned out..on the paperwork I got after..
They had my meds list from yrs back.. not the last that I was there.
She was very nice. ( seemed so young.. sigh :-)
Anyway..
She was vocally upset at some of the things I've let go for quite a while.
..to the point where she outright said to my husband..
" you understand that everything happening now could be
Because that is an aggresive cancer? "
Which.. I understand her addressing to him..because it s immediately clear to people
That he can influence me.
She made a few comments along that line ( I GET IT.. she wants me to follow up)
But..I ended up getting a little teary..
And telling her that..
At the time I was to have followed up..
I had pretty much reached the point of not caring, beyond controlling my pain.
So, anyway, again..
Now I'm starting all this follow up stuff from scratch again..
And had to remind my husband on the way home..
I'm not sure why to DO some testing..
Because I'm not someone who's going to be a hero doing chemo and radiation
And so on.
..I don't have that kind of fight in me any more.
I can't fight for more years of pain.
I know that sounds selfish, as a wife,Mom.....................
But..it's been all that I can do to stay in the fight as is.
I've talked off boards with a couple of folks from here,
Who feel as I do.
That there is a point at which..
It's not living any more... if it's just struggling to live.
Because my husband has asked me to, and I love him so much..
I'm going to follow through on some of this testing.
And..given that I'm nit ( technicly, haha) insane..
I'm some afraid.
But..
Mostly very afraid of my limit
Being short of my loved ones wants for me to do.
I'll be doing some serious hoping not to have to confront that circumstance.
Do you have a limit?
..a point at which you would allow yourself to say " enough ".
Believe me when I say ..
I don't talk about this lightly.
( Toni.. you starting to wish yet that I'd go back to not opening up? :-) :-)
Luvsnhugs to y'all
jc
I went to the clinic where my GP retired from,
And had an appointment with a new PA.
First..I was surprised that she didn't react, at all..
To the meds I'm on. Turned out..on the paperwork I got after..
They had my meds list from yrs back.. not the last that I was there.
She was very nice. ( seemed so young.. sigh :-)
Anyway..
She was vocally upset at some of the things I've let go for quite a while.
..to the point where she outright said to my husband..
" you understand that everything happening now could be
Because that is an aggresive cancer? "
Which.. I understand her addressing to him..because it s immediately clear to people
That he can influence me.
She made a few comments along that line ( I GET IT.. she wants me to follow up)
But..I ended up getting a little teary..
And telling her that..
At the time I was to have followed up..
I had pretty much reached the point of not caring, beyond controlling my pain.
So, anyway, again..
Now I'm starting all this follow up stuff from scratch again..
And had to remind my husband on the way home..
I'm not sure why to DO some testing..
Because I'm not someone who's going to be a hero doing chemo and radiation
And so on.
..I don't have that kind of fight in me any more.
I can't fight for more years of pain.
I know that sounds selfish, as a wife,Mom.....................
But..it's been all that I can do to stay in the fight as is.
I've talked off boards with a couple of folks from here,
Who feel as I do.
That there is a point at which..
It's not living any more... if it's just struggling to live.
Because my husband has asked me to, and I love him so much..
I'm going to follow through on some of this testing.
And..given that I'm nit ( technicly, haha) insane..
I'm some afraid.
But..
Mostly very afraid of my limit
Being short of my loved ones wants for me to do.
I'll be doing some serious hoping not to have to confront that circumstance.
Do you have a limit?
..a point at which you would allow yourself to say " enough ".
Believe me when I say ..
I don't talk about this lightly.
( Toni.. you starting to wish yet that I'd go back to not opening up? :-) :-)
Luvsnhugs to y'all
jc
i don't see the point in prolonging life when there's no quality and that's the road my aunt chose. i fully supported her decision. she loved to cook and eat and with weekly chemo she could do neither.
i have total disdain for the medical industry having worked with them from both sides.
my mother read me an article my grandmother had kept in her cedar chest. it was an interview with a 103 y/o woman back in the 50's. her main advice was to stay away from drs and she gave many old time remedies she'd been taught and used for serious problems and survived. she actually said drs want to keep you sick which may be a stretch but not that much of one.
unlike you i have no husband and children, so i don't have to consider that. i think that's why my uncle kept trying as cancer ate up his body over months going into over a year.
i continue to do the things i can to take care of myself b/c i enjoy them. i don't put on the face any more than i have to.
im very tired of breaking in new drs and the last PM i went to poked me exactly where i asked him not to just to be sure then put me through torture every visit. i go and play good patient to get my meds to be able to live.
i'm not going to speed up the process any more than i am, but i'm not going through any more "heroic" measures like chemo which wrecked me. i'm going to live out this process as best i can and try to have as meaningful relationships as i can while doing so which is why i take no bs. no time for it. i give all i can when i can as i know you do.
i, for one, am very glad that you're leading the way in opening up allowing others of us to step up.
love you, girl, and so glad that our lives crossed and still do. i don't consider this negative, just blazingly honest. many hugs to you and all others.
I'd already asked T or D to delete this..
As i fear some will find it too dark.
Thank you for sharing the truth.
I know you've fought a brave battle.
I wish the Universe had rewarded you a little better quality of life ( less pain, obviously)
I admire you.
Luvsnhugs
jc
That'll stick in my head. :-)