I don't want to be remembered like this
Here or IRL

I want to be the funny one who lifted people's spirits
Feel like I'm losing even that

im so glad you posted this JC, its important for us to understand where youre coming from. i understand those feelings. it so hard to keep a smile on your face when inside youre crumbling. please know, you can count on us supporting you. if there is anything in the world i can do from here, dont hesitate to ask.

i am (secretly and not so secretly) envious and jealous of those that are well balanced...

and, might i add. i think you are a wonderful person, i smile everytime i see your Avitar posting on the boards, and i love your sense of humor.

im learning the key to happiness...its all about acceptance and forgiveness. how bout giving yourself permission to grieve the old you and love and accept the new you. (((( im trying this, not easy by all means...but i hear its really worth it to see the outcome of looking at things in this regard.)))

JC, I swore you telepathically wrote what I've been feeling and experiencing both physically and emotionally. Darlin, don't cha see, by sharing all you did, it helps others to know they're not alone, even though intellectually we know it, it still feels like it, so from me.....thank you you never fail to make me smile or laugh each time you pop in. As soon as I see those fuzzy slippers its an instant smile. I know it isn't easy for you to share, but am so happy you did. I hope you know how much we all love and support you. You have numbers, please, use them, mine can be used day or night. How I wish I could reach through the damn phone and give you a gentle hug. I'm so sorry your hurting, just know your not alone. This circle is strong, we won't let you fall.

Much Love, blessings & hugs
Lisa

Your last sentence sums it up. "Just know that's what I'd tell my friends to do" this when saying I don't hat posting it here will do. Thank you for that. Sure is hard for me to share and sometime to even find words.
When my friend can do it...........well it encourages.

Was thinking along same lines as E. About giving yourself permission to grieve. Part of the grieving process is anger and the jealousy of families with no pain and normalcy,don't know if that is a word. Well that falls there.

It is joy for the miracle of Jaime. That kept you going for a very long time and I know still does. There has been no time for the reality of all that happened to fully play out. Possibly it is coming full force.

JC you haven't really had time to catch up with that. To do any real grieving or let it all out. I would call you the juggler. Juggling getting a little boy off to school and Jaimie to appointments and through her recovery.
We are all here for you. If you have a trusted Doctor that can give you some time that's good. I could fill in the blank with friend. Talking on the phone is good but sometime face to face and getting it out with someone there to give you a hug and hand you a box tissues works wonders.

love to you my friend
hippy

You said I don't know what posting it here will do. Love auto correct

jc, i, too, am glad you posted and also love you to pieces and understand that the struggle wears us down. i'm worn to a frazzle also, so you really opened the door to a much needed discussion. you spoke for so many of us.

first i want to say that i love your wit and intelligence and your ability to laugh at yourself and your straightforward openness that most of us just don't share. brave and strong.
i agree that you had to go straight into heavy service with no notice on top of all you already deal with and deserve a month at a spa or a place where you can just grieve however you want to and i wish i could give that to you. honest.

my life is so small now and i'm treading water every day for just the basic getting by and throw in the extras and poof so hard to cope. i was just telling my mother my best interactions are with the folks on here or at the old grocery downtown and she really laughed and said now that's sad. yeah!
i'm grateful for a lot of things, but that's not what i wake up to at all. all that to say YOU ARE NOT ALONE OR WRONG TO POST THIS.

i'm sorry that you're in these depths and i'll do anything in my power to give you a life line. i remember the old days on CP when you'd say you were going into the whole and i was decorating it for you and sending a ladder and even joining you. now wouldn't that be a hoot?!

you a gem and i'm very sorry you're down, darlin'

Aw JC I don't think you've said anything that most of us haven't said or felt ourselves. It can be hard not to feel all the negatives and ask a thousand whys, I think they're earned. Why feel like you're going to be punished though when you feel like you already have been? You certainly didn't choose to live such a challenged life.

Allow yourself to grieve. No one expects you to be the always cheerful one. The legacy I want to remember is the true one. You are very giving, funny, but you are like us in your needs....it helps to know that.

Release, grieve, accept and you might find a more peaceful place in yourself.

Love you always....

I can't say anything that hasn't already been said honey. Know we're all here for you any time you need anything. Love you always and you always make me laugh!



Mary Ellen

jc i cannot imagine how you feel what happened to you is major very ,you have lost part of yourself honey i understand how you feel i would too you know i love y a, self pity no omg no it not i cannot believe how courageous you , you are funny here how i would remember you , courageous ,generous heart you are funny even threw your pain , you are a inspiration to me you have been shattered yet you come here and help other and your problem make mine seen so small
you might need to ask doctor to help you get some sleep , you have permanent place in my heart and prayers jc , i wish i could takes away your pain honey hugs min many gods angels suffer here to understand humanity love you hugs min