my boyrfriend got to the same point over our relationship. i know it was not mu fault, but i also know that he would never have gotten so down if we did not have problems, we had a house that we were supposed to move into and although he was at my house all day every day even working together, we wanted to move into a house together, but my daughters father has a violent criminal backround he sent a threat to hurt my boyfriend and knowing him i know he wiould do it, i could not handle knowing that i was responsible for him getting hurt. He was hurt by this beyond belief but i knew he would be seriously injured if not worse, due to the fact that another man was living with the mother of his child and his daughter, eric translated this into me not loving him, he became ok with the idea of us living apart just for a little while until things calmed down and found his own small house, one week after he lived there he begged me to come live with him and i never gave him an answer, he became controlling verbally abusive an angry the last 3 weeks. before any of this happened we were so happy together it was hard not to pinch myself in order to believe it was not a dream, even during the hard times when he was angry with me, he was still there to calm me when i was upset, rub my back when it hurt, dry my eyes when i teared tell me i was beautiful that he loved me he was lucky to have me. He literally read my mind even when i didnt want him to i could feel his emotions and what hurts the most is i could see the darkness in front of him and feel how he felt before he did it. two days before he died he went on a rampage for an unknown reason swearing that i was using him i never loved him blah blah so i told him to leave as he was threatening to leaveme, i was tired of hearing it. he then called me crying asking if i really wanted it and i cried back saying no your crazy if you beleive it. we went through hell and back together and til this point it never brought us down. looking back on every thing now i see the signs, i knew there was desperation in his voice when he begged me if we could get out relationship back to normal and the doubt when i begged him back to believe it would happen, he was becoming depressed over the idea that i didnt really want to be with him, he was still in the process of an ugly divorce with his wife and let alot of the things she said to him affect how he felt about us, he became determined that i would leave him for my daughters father whom is currently in prison addicted to drugs and consistently cheats. i promised him i lvoed him and i know he believed it but he did not feel it at this point, thursday night he texted me saying he thought about ending his life, friday we had a long talk, he promised me hed be ok, i knew he wouldnt but i thought i had atleast one more day,friday night he sent me one last text message after stubbornly refusing to stay with me, he said to me 'i fall more in love with you every day as impossible as it seems, i want you to feel this way still i wish you would" IT TOOK me one hour to realise i had the message on my phone and i immediately responded telling him i do, but at this point it was too late, he told me he wanted to die and i wasnt there for him but over the phone, saturday afternoon he did not answer the phone all day, he had the day off and i knew something was wrong when i woke up with no text messages on my phone, but at this point he had begun ignoring me and trying to push me away so i took it as a stubborn act he tended to be good at being stubborn. I drove to his house as soon as i got out of work and found him dead in his truck, his eyes open, his mouth open, his face blue his body had already started to decomp from the fumes from the exhaust and i could smell the love of my life dying. He told me he felt it and i never did anything, i should have bakeracted him i should have had my phone near me i should have went to his house. my guilt is tremendous and unbearable at times, i didnt try hard enough to be there for him and i didnt try hard enough to make sure he knew how much i loved him.

Reading this post I feel like Im reading about myself. My husband always told me the same thing. We didnt have the perfect marriage but I would give anything to have him back. I miss him so much and Im starting to have night mares that wake me up and I cant go back to sleep. I cant get the image out of my head from finding him. I carry so much guilt I cant stand it. I have serious issues with driving at night time alone, unless you live it noone really understands. My husband had just adopted my girls on may 6th and he committed suicide on jun 20th. I dont think ill ever stop blaming myself. I dont know how to move on

I lost my beloved wife 3 years ago. We had been drinking and fighting. I woke up to her corpse next to me on the bed. She took the prescription medication I take for my Schizoaffective Disorder and anxiety and OD'd. I still miss her so much. I just passed the three year anniversary of her death on that day broke up with my boyfriend because I still wasn't over my wife and couldn't marry him as a result. Plus he was emotionally abusive and stole my Klonopin, but that's another story. I feel I am meant to spend my life alone and that may be what i want, it's definitely what I want right now. I talk to her ghost often. Her ghost keeps me company.