My ex killed himself and left me a message that it was my fault. That I would be the one to find him. Which I was. He was an alcoholic who I still lived with but was getting serious with him about moving out because I couldn't take his drinking anymore. I had told him to get sober, and then we could try to start fresh. I told him I didnot know if I could continue talking to him if he were still drinking. It pushed him over the edge. We had a fight that night, he tried to tell me, but I didn't believe him. He had cried wolf so many times before, and I had come to believe it was a manipulative tool to keep me, all bark and no bite. He would probably have lived longer if I had let him stay, if I had listened, if we hadn't argued. In essence, I chose myself over him. Now I wish I could join him, but I won't. Not until its really my time. Not after feeling the pain that my survivors would then have to feel. Cant do that to them. Won't do that to them. Then the other part of me, that loves and supports myself, says, he also would have lived longer if he had gone to the AA meetings, been honest with his counselor, listened to me when I said get sober and we can start over, had never taken his first drink. I kick myself, what if I had done an intervention? would he be here and sober. My counselor convinced me not to try. I let her convince me not to try. Because I wanted out. And oh the guilt. The gutwrenching guilt and regret. What if, what if, what if? Will I ever really be able to be happy again? I don't know. But I will try to make this world a better place, fake happiness and all. I will try to honor his life. I will try to cause no harm to anyone, though I contiuously seem to disappoint. Ironically, several years ago in the Army, a guy I barely knew knocked on my barracks door wanting to just hang out and talk. so I let him in and we talked all night. I received a letter in the mail several months later from him after he had changed stations. he told me he had planned on killing himself that night, and that the reason he didn't was because i was nice to him and talked to him, though he hadn't brought that up that night. How did I go from that person to this person who seemed to have helped drive a person to do this. God forgive me please. God help me get back to that nice girl in the Army.