Take a deep breath, Pendra. Try to keep busy.... to get your mind off him and everything that has happened. If I dwell on my problems and pain too much, it overtakes me and paralyzes me. I know you're hurting so horrible right now. I hope you're getting some good rest and sleep... that actually makes a huge difference. You did not deserve being treated so badly, and it's incredibly unfair.

When my depression was at its worst, I broke down and started seeing a counselor. It progressively started to help. If there is any way possible, seeing a professional counselor can be life changing. I can't afford going to her anymore, but I'm glad I did go. My counselor helped me to look at things in a different perspective. I felt so wounded for a long time. I'm still kind of fragile, but in the beginning it was a lot lot worse. Is seeing a therapist or counselor possible?

Meanwhile, keep reading and educating yourself. You did not deserve being treated badly, Pendra. You did not deserve this. It isn't your fault. These cruel monsters with their mind games are the ones who are to blame.

pendra you really need to read about what a sociopath or narcissist really is and begin to educate yourself on personality disordered people it will help you realize what has been done to you and how this happens all the time to other people. i know your in shock and having a hard time believing this happened to you but it happens to many many people every day. the more you educate yourself the more quickly you will heal and start to feel better. dont stay stuck by going in circles educate yourself so this doesnt ever happen to you again. learn from what has already happened to you. then make yourself a promise that no one will ever treat you this way again. your not alone

Pendra, I wholeheartedly agree with Bella: in order to move forward, you NEED to start really educating yourself what has happened in your life. This DID happen and it did happen to YOU. The path now to take is ACTION. He did take a lot from you, but he did not take away your power. Nobody can take your power: we gave it away and we can take it back. YOU can take it back! His life is not yours anymore. You can rebuild a BETTER life for yourself, than he will ever have, because you know how to LOVE! Here is something my counselor taught me: When one day I was repeating: "...but this is NOT fair!" This is what he said: Angela, do you believe the world is fair? ..."No", I said. So he got up and knelt in front of me, making me kneel a cross from him. He purchased up his hands, palms facing me, had me do the same thing, pushing against him. Then he said: How are you going to win? My first response was pushing harder into his hands......so of course he also increased his force, pushing against me. Again he said: How are you going to win? I pushed harder yet.....suddenly he pulled his hands away and I fell over. I was lying on the floor, while he was still upright. Lesson: sometimes, in order to win and stay standing, you just have to let go!
Keep reading all these great posts here and listen to people who have been down your path before. THERE ARE MANY! You can and will do it, so you too, can become an inspiration and teacher to the ones following. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF & NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP!

Darn autof correct! that would be *across ...and *PUT up his hands

I love that story, Angela! Yes, it's true! We can take back our power! It isn't easy... God knows, it is not easy. But it is possible. There are things we can do to take up for ourselves, and one of those things is educating ourselves about the personality disorders that caused us so much pain and damage to our lives. Even after all this time, I continue researching online articles and information about sociopaths and narcissists.

The other thing is getting professional help to assist us in healing our wounds, especially when those wounds are so raw. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for help from a professional doctor or therapist. Only we can take the necessary steps to regain our power and our strength. It's up to us.

You can do this, Pendra, and you are among good company. Many of us here have gone through the trauma you are experiencing. You are not alone.

Yes, BavarianAngel,

I really like what you said: "He did take a lot from you, but he did not take away your power. Nobody can take your power: we gave it away and we can take it back. YOU can take it back! "

What happened is about power. They are all about taking yours away so they can have more, feeding off of your power and what it can do for them. But we are the owners of that power. It resides in us. No matter what happens, that can not be taken away from us. We just have to rediscover it and re-nourish it. We just have to learn to believe in ourselves again.

And yes, I echo the usefulness of seeing a professional therapist. I saw two to try to figure out what was wrong with my then-H and what I was doing wrong or could do better to help the situation, and then one more post-divorce for about a year weekly to help me sort out my life and learn from this experience. I also during the divorce process consulted a couple of experts on these types of personality disorders via phone or email exchanges.

In picking a therapist, I have found that those who say they have experience with personality disorders really mean Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD is very different from NPD or psychopaths (in Antisocial PD) in at least two ways, although these can overlap. One, people with BPD mostly "act in", hurting themselves more than those around them. Two, there are effective treatments for BPD, whereas as far as I can tell there really are not for NPD and psychopaths are structurally different so they can not be changed, nor do they want to be changed.

Therapists specializing in trauma and PTSD, especially from relationships or family abuse are probably better for us.

I concur with all of the above posts, educating yourself is key to understanding that this is all about HIM not about you. You are a good person, he is feeding off your goodness because inside he is a big black hole that needs to devour everything (he will always be empty though). It's shocking to think we are interchangeable with other people as supply, there is nothing 'special' about us. They want us to feel that there is at first, they tell us the things we need to hear but actions will never match words.

Please read read read and begin to believe what you are hearing. It took me too long to believe, I lost so much in those years xx