My story is that four or more years ago a cycle in my life started and kicked off with my mother dying of cancer, a woman i resented enormously because she handed me the job of taking care of my drug addict sister for the next twenty years and abdicated from that responsibility because she could not face it. She also had a very toxic and fearful and fucked up view of life and did nothing but fill both her daughters with fear rather than encourage us in life and keep us beholden to her by being a hypochondriac so we would attend to her. At 17 I stood up told her to fuck off with her distorted view of life (how did i know that, something in me) and set off on my own determined to make a success of myself and get away from the theme of sickness and threat in my family and my mothers control and manipulation, and thats what i did, flew into success, sky high, made a fortune, had anything i wanted at my fingertips etc - no matter that the fear of annihilation never left my bones. Her death was a relief. Then within months my stepfather of 35 years died, then my sister who i had carried and been the caretaker of and tried to heal all my life, by putting my needs aside, died of a drug overdose, two days later my business partner dumped me out the blue and never ever spoke to me again or explained herself, just rejected me, and because I was so broken about my sister I couldn't fight the legal battle and walked out with nothing but one months salary, i lost everything and never regained it even though i built the entire client base in the company, she fucked me over completely. I found an email she sent to her mother saying i have achieved it at last, she is out, the company is mine, i got what i wanted from her and its done - she had planned it all along. when my sister died i had a breakdown and had to go into a clinic, my primary life purpose was no longer, and with that my vehicle of success and self esteem, my business. i came out the clinic to find my ex partner had been having an affair all the time i was in the clinic and then my best friend died of cancer, and i lost more and had nothing left, from sky high to nothing. Then for the first time i really left him, for five months but then took him back, and then I was diagnosed with cancer and now he has dumped me and its over and today I lost my dogs, my last raft of love, for me cancer anything i could cope with, get through, four years of relentless hell, but during it all, my only focus was that i would not lose my beloved dogs - today I did. I feel absolutely totally on my knees also after final recognition that my ex is a sociopath and the horror of how i have been taken for such a ride. i have nothing left my life is in tatters, i have no money, my friends have walked out on me because my process and my sharing of it with them has been too long and draining and i am in a guest house owned by my cousin, for one month only. i have to start from scratch and knew that last week, but today in losing my dogs i feel i can't stand up ever again that i can't do this any more, that i don't want to, i have endured the last four years and stood up again and again day after day and tried again, to no avail, to no change. no i feel i can't stand up. now i feel i don't care any more. now i feel i can't do this. its the first time i feel this way. I just can't do it, not my dogs, my babies, he took my babies, everything. i am done. no more.