Yes tears are good Pendra ,
I've had plenty of them my friend tears are good Im not one too cry but theres been times lateley seems all I can do I think if we cry cry and cry some more it helps are tears will run dry eventually and we will be whole again one day I belive it Big hugs too u hang in there plz k Im here if u ever would like to talk BIG HUG u are going to be ok we all are I belive this!

healing is a long process, you first have to stop doing things to yourself that are hurting you. please think about the idea of learning to care about yourself. i think you have spent so much of your life caring for and taking care of people who did not deserve it, people that have told you that you are not worth being taken care of by them or anyone. they have convinced you that you dont deserve to be loved only abused. sweety no one in this life is going to take care of you or love like you can. you have got to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are worth being loved even if its only by you. even if you dont believe it yet you have to start telling yourself you are worthy of love. there is no one out there that will ever make you know what love is until you can learn to love yourself. the way to start doing this is to not do things to your self that are only going to cause you more pain. crying is good only for so long and if you are crying for the right reasons. healing is not something that comes quickly and to be honest you are never finished doing it, it is a life long process that you have to work every day for the rest of your life. it is not a quick fix. if you keep doing these things to yourself that are so destructive you will not ever know healing. your first step to take is to understand this and stop hurting yourself. can you tell me this? do you understand that you are only hurting yourself by doing what you have been doing? do you see that?? please stop doing this to yourself and realize you are the only one who can change your behavior. nothing we say or do will help you unless you stop self destructing and doing these things that are so obviously only going to bring you more pain. if you want to start healing then stop hurting yourself intentionally. please

Yes Bella, as answered under my other response to you i can see i am hurting myself by pursuing him or anything that is not good for me. i for example have a swedish male friend who i have known forever who i introduced to a girlfriend of mine and they were together for five years only for her to tell me he was narcissistic and damaging - and as i suppose the public experience simon, i have never experienced him as anything but charming and loved him. tonight he questioned me as to how i did not tell him (after a big break up) that she was in Sweden and I told him I did not know, he went on to say he was confused by my answers and that relationships are a two way street, and i questioned what he meant because I cared - his later response was oh for fuck sake do you have to go on i am having drinks with friends, and I said to him, an old friend, who i have only treated with respect - don't you dare speak to me like that Henrik, even if saying so comes at a price, even at an end to the friendship. Its simple, its not only simon, i will not allow people to treat me inappropriately and badly. and for me abuse comes in many subtle forms or there are simply things that are inappropriate and appropriate and we can all choose our responses. if he was having drinks with friends, then don't communicate with me on the subject at that time, communicate another time when he is free. I do realise that i am the only one that can change my behaviour and that it is up to me and i see clearly how badly i have relapsed with simon and hurt myself, gone into an oblivious and deceptive state again, only to be treated like shit. I recommit to stop doing this and thankfully on monday i start a new job so will no longer be on my own all the time and instead occupied and in a position to get my power back.......

pendra, thank you for saying all you just did. i am sitting here in america in my room alone so worried about you and not knowing what to do to help you. you are not a stupid women i can tell that by your words you have just been hurt so badly. so today, right now, you get up and you start over agin. there is nothing wrong or stupid about doing that. i am on your side and dont think any less of you but i will say if you were here right now where i could actually reach you i would probably throw something at you like a pillow or something and yell at you for making me worry so much about what is happening to you lol. yaaaaa you got a job !!!!!! wonderful ,and back to healing, but stop freaking me out by doing crazy things ok?promise me you will try. next time you get a crazy idea like contacting simon again promise me you will come here and write about it first and wait for someone to help you get past it. i mean you better promise me girl !!!! hugs pendra i care about you a lot

I promise you Bella and I deeply appreciate your love and guidance and you can throw that pillow at me for being so stupid. For believing there was something there in an empty place and for putting myself in such danger. I think part of it, as i think i told you is that i have blocked out my entire childhood and am now 50 and my family is steeped in sadness. I am a brilliant writer and this weekend i sat down and started to write, put my fingers to the keyboards and a story of my childhood started to emerge - i spent hours writing and if you are ever interested or have the time, i would love to share it with you, it is a work in the making. fact is i spent too long in the story and when i stopped i was burnt in searing pain that coursed through my body and had an anxiety attack of massive proportions - and then i knew what i had written in my story was the truth, not fabrication and that i had opened a long locked vault in myself that has deep sadness, regret and pain in it, and that at that second i had to stop. i lay on my bed with the most vicious pain and anxiety attacking me and I tried to breathe through it, and it had a catastrophic effect on me. I have much more to tell of the story but cannot go near it for now, there is too much pain, but i recognised a theme of rejection and of being discarded by my mother because i walked away from her toxic and defeated script about life and tried to build my own life - i see the themes in this all that led me to be able to tolerate someone like simon and to heal a man like him because i had a sick father i adored, who died, and how i could withstand the vibration of the various toxic homes i shared with simon because they echoed the homes of my childhood, and how i desperately always sought the love my mother took away as punishment for walking away from her and betraying her and how looking after my drug addict sister for over 20 years got me to tolerate pain and manipulation and deception - all of which simon delivered too - where i developed the ability to tolerate physical abuse from i don't know but perhaps i deserved i needed to be punished and like my father i wanted to believe in simon and heal him. my mothers dismissal of me also took her love away and because my sister was sick from a young age the full focus went onto her so i was sidestepped and my success suggested to them i did not need love - and plus i had left my heart behind with my mother so that she would think i was attending to her, as was required of both us sisters when in fact i took the rest of me away and it is only now at the age of 50 i am allowing to put my heart back in place and open it, and i lie in bed and re-affirm, i love you pendra, i love you pen, again and again. I understand that a relationship with a sociopath is like an addiction and as said it was like I relapsed recently but I am back in control and by writing about my family life, which totally cracked me open, i am starting to see the themes that played out with simon too, and why the theme of rejection is so horrendous - and perhaps i sought him recently to try and ease that rejection that came up during my writing, see if i had the power to get him back and so take the rejection away - but it is this i must heal, he has already rejected me and always did and a return to simon is not going to heal anything, but rather damage more, i saw that. I will honestly commit to trying to come here first if i ever feel the compulsion to enter that self sabotage with him again and to talk it through - when i made that phone call i knew well and good that my friends on this site, you for example, would be warning me against it, and yet i went ahead anyway. but the good thing is the universe looked after me, he did not pitch, though my phone call to him tonight broke me apart. i will not ever be making another phone call like that again - i recognise he is sick trash and that i deserve so much more and that if i care about my life it is essential i keep him out of it.

What i also did tonight when i phoned him is i remained absolutely silent as i intently listened to his beration and breakdown of me, his blame, his hatred, his accusations, i did not say one word - that helped me SEE his stuff

It's not you, it is him...just remember that tears are part of the healing process and that you will never be able to reason with an irrational person. Sociopaths are incapable of love or compassion. He loves to play head games with you...the trick is to not let him! Hang in there..the tears will come and the tears will go...sometimes they will come at the most unexpected of times...just let them... trying to stay busy helps...if I have too much free time my mind tends to go to places that it shouldn't and it never helps..

The thing about evil is it is not capable of receiving energy from the Universe like you and I do it gets its energy from us, we are their source and they never get enough of it no matter how depleted you are they don;t care they just keep at it. Every time you contact him he will take a bit from you and at this point in time I doubt you have much left. Conserve your energy for yourself don't give this monster the opportunity to take more from you it doesn't belong to him it belongs to you.
I'm with Bella come here instead talk to us.
As for crying? Every crying session you have is one another one down you don;t have to have that one again and there are many reasons why you will be crying, grief, anger frustration all the whys and what ifs'. The tears will stop eventually Pendra it is important that you release the grief and look after your mental and physical health.
Congratualtions on the new job well done and what an example of how strong you are that's really great news!
I am thinking of you, go easy xo

Crying is natural, you've been in pain a long time, emotional pain. If someone broke their leg badly we would tell them to take time out to let it heal. Let nature take its course, cry, shout, don't rush anything. I realised I was rushing to get better but it will happen when it happens. I thank my stars now that I have a heart and emotions, these sociopath s and narcissists don't. Their lives are just lift the flap books, predictable. You're a really deep person, that's a great thing.love is one of the greatest emotions, we can feel it but they can't. X

By all means. Crying is a good thing under these circumstances. Crying liberates and takes away some of the pain ......if done once. Doing it repeatedly is a good thing . It sounds like you are grieving the love of your life who was there in anatomical form but not in emotional form,nor ever was he or ever will be. We don't lose our tear ducts upon becoming "big boys and girls". They are still there ready to perform their biological function when the time requires it. Crying is not a sign of weakness or imperfection. If so many people were "perfect" than the need for DS would diminish greatly. But we are not perfect nor is life perfect. So yes Cry as much as you need to. You will come out stronger. But now as you seem to be grieving intensely for what never was there by all means, cry. If I was there near you I'd encourage you to bury your face in my shoulder and cry as much as you need to. . That is what real friends do.