Thank you all for being so supportive, and for being there for me. To have a forum or place I can go to to talk and share is life saving. The normal person out there does not relate and I have over burdened my friends with this story and as a result lost many of them. There are few in my life now. I feel guilty about that, realise way too late that I should not have shared so much with them and see that the content was toxic. I also see that I presented myself as a victim, always about what he was doing to me. I think that though in the beginning they had sympathy for me and saw him as a rogue and his behaviour unacceptable, and some did encourage me to leave, or remained utterly patient, in the end it turned, and whether he got involved I don't know. But in the end it turned on me and they got sick and tired of my victim stance and my repeated stories and more drama. In a way I know I sought their ear and support to get sympathy, because i was traumatised and needed to share, needed verification that he was at fault, and I suppose I also needed care and love, something I thought of their sympathy as being - and especially because there was no love in my relationship from him. I only see now that these men do not have the capacity to love and that where there is abuse there can never be love, a person who loves you does not lift his hand, debase you or demean you constantly with verbal abuse, break you down. His lack of love was really revealed when I got sick, got cancer - at first he blew me away coming to the hospital every day always bringing goodies, holding my hand, and more - it was like a different person and he appeared to give such care. Then overnight, as I got sicker, he stopped, and seemed to become intolerant of my sickness and yet somehow still obliged to be there - and he was already offering me a roof over my head. This is when my life underwent a major change as I lived in his house, and he used my car (we only had one) and worked all day every day. For ten months I spent all day long on my own, my phone hardly rang, if he phoned me it was to check on the dogs, he never once put his arms around me, he once bought me a necklace, some angel wings and I cried with gratitude, he continued to abuse me and I was stuck in a haunting place where I believed I now faced my mortality, that I would die. I lost all my hair and with it my only attachment to some self worth that was attached to my prior beauty. I had nothing, no money, no job, few friends, nothing. At first I would sleep, for months, not get out of my clothes, not bath for days, just sleep and my beautiful beloved doggies would sleep on the bed with me. Then I forced myself off the bed and onto the couch and I would sleep there, then I stopped sleeping and I sat, stared, into space, all day long. I would look at the time and it would click by, hours and hours and hours and somehow i suppose i went into a meditative silence that just sat there with me, the fear even started to go, it was just silent. I relied on his one or two phone calls and then for him to walk in the door, for someone to walk in the door, but by now I repulsed him and he had no time for me, and would barely greet me, never make dinner, mostly went to his bedroom. He offered nothing. Mostly he asked when I was moving out and his friend told him he had to see this through, he could not abandon me during my cancer. When I got the all clear he became more insistent about me moving out, again and again, and eventually I did only to go back twice when I had conflict and was locked out of the girls house I moved into, where I encountered more abuse and vicious undermining behaviour. It was as if the universe was saying shall we show you some more of this kind of thing, so you really see it and make a choice to get out now, not wait another 13 years, find some self worth.

I understand you all talk about how calculating and cunning and slick these people are and how easily one can get trapped in their webs, even for years, and should not blame themselves. But I still ask myself why did I stay or keep going back - I understand he was adept at reeling me back in, would change faces all the time, to calm, charm, normal, and then become the monster again, out of the blue, how the calm and charm would reel me back in, Towards the end, when i got so sick, his NORMAL demeanour and self control seemed to become even more present, and with his confirmation through abuse, i just appeared and felt all fucked up and worthless and now sick. He is this now, back into a place of what seems like total self control, dresses well, is on time, lives rationally and more, no matter the abuse. Of course he has been on a campaign to undermine my credibility and inform others that I am sick, what i have recently done, something terrible, that I am mentally unwell, that I don't even give the dogs water, my beloved dogs, thats the extent of minutae he will go to to undermine my character.

Again, yes they are experts and you guys say it is not our fault, we have been exposed to a sickness that is beyond controlling and expert, but again, why do we stay or go back. I feel sure a woman with strong values, self love and self esteem, confidence - would get up and walk out after the first abuse, or the first sign of it, or would not stay 13 years. Why did he remain with me that long, why did he not discard me way before that length of time, why was I able to reel him back time and time again, I could kick him out and then click my fingers and he would be back. In the beginning, when he was so fucked up and I took him in, when he had nothing but a few T shirts, a drug addiction, no bank account, no credit, no car, etc - the community we were in said I was the best thing for him - on the one hand his abuse arrived within three months and continued, and his verbal abuse was constant, but over the years he got stronger, got healthier, cut out his drug use, got a bank account, i gave him a car, motorbikes, and more. He fell deeply in love with MY dogs and seemed to be able to have a real relationship with them more than anything, or with his son. I however seemed entirely in denial, moved away once for five solid months and saw myself start to get healthy during that time, then once again I took him back, called him back, an addiction, control on my side, and started to get sick again, until i was really sick. He now constantly convinces me I am really sick, fucked up, a mess, worthless, mentally unwell, bipolar, and abusive. This is until I finally cut him off this weekend, at the expense of losing my beloved dogs which I have already told you all about.

The cost of this time and this journey and this horrific experience has been beyond belief, I am only able to remain sane by talking to you guys, of any few friends left, none of them will listen any more, and is it normal to still need to talk about it, process it, grieve how empty and fake it was. My friends say oh for gods sake pendra move on. I wonder if I should if i have somehow become so stuck and addicted myself or if this is the nature of these monsters and involvement with them. I see taking my decision to stop all contact with him at the expense of losing my beloved dogs this weekend was an illustration that there is some modicum of health in me, some light, some reason, some self esteem, that I somehow realise that self preservation and picking up the pieces of my shattered life relies on me cutting all contact, also with any single person associated with him, or anyone who treats me in any kind of abusive or inappropriate way. I stayed because I was caught in the web of an expert con artist and on the roller coaster of the abuse cycle and perhaps because for 13 years I constantly desperately looked for the original love and honeymoon stage i had with him, the time he used to fuse me to him and his control. But why did he stay - his relationship before, which was a mirror of mine, just different abuse, only lasted two years before he discarded her. Yes he has had a variety of affairs, but why did he find use for me for 13 long years of his life when he in fact has no capacity for attachment, or even three years following my overall life breakdown, when I lost everything, which is apparently what they do, their aim.

Is it normal for me to continue to feel a deep grief, for how false it all was, how i was taken for such a ride, for how desperately i looked for love and never got it, for living without love for so long in such emptiness, for the toll it has taken on my confidence, self esteem, and self worth, for how shattered my life is now, for the damage he has done, and how now he has taken my dogs. normal to feel anger? normal to be in disbelief that he has just cast me out like a rag now and it seems with the end to his attachment to me his abuse, control and a hatred of me is now so apparent, not a minutes interest, no matter how rock bottom my life is. I am in shock still, which I suppose is one of the stages.

And I say I take responsibility because I am not sure I can take on the stance of the victim though you guys talk about being a victim in reality to these people. I take responsibility for leaving my very normal successful, average, fine life and ex husband for him, for allowing the abuse, for not leaving long long ago, for returning, for continuing to be duped, for being in such denial. I feel if i don't say i take responsibility it will be as if i have faced an earth shattering experience. But do I look at the shatters of my life, from a successful, dynamic, beautiful, wealthy woman to this person who has absolutely nothing left, is starting again at 50, and has now even lost her beloved dogs, all a result of my doing, my choice in him, my continuing it all, my effect on my life - or is this the effect they really have or the intention they really have, what they actually do, break down peoples lives.

I am finally set free because he is done with me, or i might have continued desperately seeking something in him from him. But with him ending it, and so harshly, so coldly, in such a clear, determined manner, there is no chance of return - this is a gift to my shattered life. But I am out in the cold - the last 13 years is such a mess, I am such a mess, I have cancer although the all clear, but cancer to live with, I have damaged my credibility and reputation, I have a tiny weeny bit of self worth to start growing, nothing is left. The grief and shock and anger is unbelievable, and I know when the anger really comes and stays is when I will find some fighting spirit, right now I don't know how I am really really going to stand up again and if I actually can recover my life. What happens if I end up on the streets as I have no family left, they are all dead and I have exhausted any other levels of help from anyone whatsoever. I have a month ahead of me with a remote cousin with a roof over my head, a tiny amount of money in my account, and I am not stable on my feet. I got a job after cancer but lost it, was strong enough from a cancer point of view to perform but his influence on me emotionally was still wrecking my life and affecting my performance. he cost me there again, or have I cost all this.

To forgive myself, to take responsibility, to get stronger, to let it go, what of this do I own, where do I see myself in it, am I really just a pawn in a game, how do I get perspective. Is it natural for one to go over and over this process again and again until it heals, almost abnormally, find it difficult to let it go, different to a normal relationship. I now know I cannot retrieve those friendships that have walked out on me or perhaps ever again the skewed perception of me these people have, or fix the past, that I am almost going to have to prove my worth in life again, not even know if I can ever re-enter my industry again with any credibility, accept the damages, but which of them do I own......where could I have done different........ am i relentlessly stuck - a girlfriend said to me last night i have been listening to this, to you processing this, for four years, i can't any more, i will not allow the subject to come up again. Perhaps to find this now as the only forum that I use, to process and be understood, to ask questions, to use words as a survival tool for myself, is a good thing, and to remain silent in the world for it is a good thing - perhaps to live a quiet life and accept the loneliness given how many friendships have ended is growing strength and something I must endure. How does one trust a single thing going forward.

Is there hope?