I am no way going to berate you. You have such a pure and awesome love for your dogs who probably miss you badly too. You sacrificed a few hours of your peace and serenity to try to get to see your dogs or at least to protect them from disappearing. What would I do if I was in your shoes? Who knows. But I'm an animal lover. And I'm rooting for you. We all have relapses until things become normal somehow. I considerred your act courageous, because it was for those beautiful dogs that you attempted to meet him. You put them first. I can finally see where this guy is actually stealing YOUR dogs. With papers in hand can't the police or somebody get involved? I'm no way going to berate you. We all have our concequences to bear for breaking NC But your reason for doing so is more noble than even I could come up with. I have nothing to get from my Mom I went NC with. Take it easy and take care of yourself so that you will be in shape and one day will have a place for your beautiful dogs. If you went NC just to try to strike something up between you and him that would be differrent to a degree. But not in this case. peace and be good to yourself. and stop calling yourself "stupid". You are not. Just lonely for your dogs. That is normal.

no one here is going to berate you or put you down or judge you pendra, please dont ever think thats what we are doing in trying to give you advice or to say things that we are just hoping will help you see sometimes that you are hurting yourself and the only way we even know this is because we have done it also to ourselves so many times. we just want to try and spare you the pain we have been through. so know in your heart we never ever are trying to cause you pain, hure you or put you down. if that is happening then i am doing a diservice to you and i need to apologize to you. you and i are no different and no one here is better than the other. we have all shared the same type of pain that is our common bond. please dont think you are ever being judged that is never my goal . i only want to shere ways and ideas with you that i have realized about my own behavior and want to pass that on to you in hopes of saving you some pain you are in by my experience. you have been put down enough for no reason in this life and you dont need any more of that to happen to you. i just want you to see your worth through your eyes so you know that you have value and that you never deserved his abuse no matter what you think you did.
i think we tend to look at these men or women and believe that they see or feel the world the way we see it through our eyes. its very hard to realize we gave our love and our life to a person who truly doesnt care or feel real love at all for us. its hard for us to think these people even really exists. it changes our truth and perception of the world and than can be terrifying for some of us. i think that is happening to you now. he is showing you who he really is and like you say you dont feel the power over him or that you thought you had. it is taking away that feeling of having any control over your life. we can never really control someone else and in turn they do not have the power to control us any longer, unless we give it to them freely. you have the strength in you you just have to reach inside of yourself and find it. no one can tell you or knows the outcome of your dogs. i hope and pray that you find a place and they are returned to u because i know that kind of love and i have felt that kind of pain before to and it hurts so bad some people dont understand that but i do and i have hope they will be with you again soon. he is using the power of your love for your dogs against you and is doing it on purpose because he is a cold rotten prick and thats who he really is inside. i want you to see him for the kind of man he really is it will help you to let go. to beat a rotten soul at this dirty game he is trying to play with you you must first see him for what he truly is then you have to stay one step ahead of him to win at the game. ( getting your dogs back ) i know thats a fucked up way to look at it but i believe it to be the truth and i want to empower you to fight him and his evil shit so that you come out of this the winner. and you become the winner by taking back your life and living it the best you can for you and for what makes you happy and to never let anyone ever put a hand on you again. i want you to see that you are worht so much pendra, you are a kind good person and you have a lot to offer the world. someone like him only wants you to believe you are bad and that you deserved his abuse. someone like him does not derserve someone as beautiful and kind as you. and i think you are starting to get some glimpses of that truth. your best revenge to someone like that is to get well and do good for yourself and show him you are so much better than what he has told you. show him you do not need him in any way and he will be shocked and he will see someone in you he didnt know was there . it is then that he will know but never admit to your face, that he is the loser in all of this., he had you but lost you and that is his loss not yours. he will know this just believe that in your heart to be true. he was brought into your life for this very reson i believe to show you that you are a valuable person you just didnt see that before but you can now. hugs to you pendra and i will say it again i think you are doing very good and you are finally seeing the light and are trying to help your self and thats what this is all about . im really proud of you girl

Please don't feel stupid for trying to see your babies...soooo many times I waited for my stbx and he never showed...I was naive for years..and now I realize that he is incapable of telling the truth, no matter how much I want to believe his words...

Right ... don't view yourself as anything but WISER.

That said, I have been through three divorce actions with the monster, and I have discovered not only fraud, but "gang fraud" (his relative help him destroy me).

Picture this ... I had a breakdown after three months, back in 1998. For the next several years (at least 5) I was in a severely dissociated state; I was scared to the state of panic by people, at times, particularly police and the like. I couldn't STAND the sound of listening to people "babbling" on and on about "their problems" or "he or she" (listen to conversations ... being hypersensitive/aroused, I started to feel like everyone was talking about the same he/she and it got OLD - FAST!). I was even scared to bring a little neighbor girl into my house when she was locked out and her father was asleep. Pretty pathetic.

2002, I was trying to forget I even had children. I was (almost) NEVER allowed to see them. In fact, when school was about ready to start (and I had not seen them all summer, just because he wouldn't let me), he drove them up and drove around until he found me, cleaning up litter by the railroad tracks near where I lived (anything to take my mind off my sorrows). I pretended like NONE of them even existed.

2003, I tried to get a protective order and ended up in jail. I'd finally been correctly diagnosed with PTSD and started getting better. I didn't want to go to jail when I showed up for Court, but I wasn't willing to back down and just hand our children back to someone who had demonstrated to me that his behavior terrified ALL OF US.

Do the best that you can to realize this, no matter if the law recognizes you or God/karma/whatever your spiritual leanings are (like if there is no miracle), YOU ARE STILL IN THE RIGHT, as far as FACTS and alignment with law and spiritual.

I'M SORRY I didn't know more than I did, about legal matters, personality disorders and especially, his gambling, when I came back. Is that a "fault" in me, though? Heck no ... ignorance ... and THAT CAN be corrected, as they say. I'm having to take crash courses in many different areas and am often exhausted and much falling by the wayside, BUT I am confident in me, or much more so than I was.

I used to think I had a somewhat devious mind. NO. It is like no matter what I learn, scam artists are always "one step ahead". In fact, though, I feel sort of like patting myself on the back, because I WAS in the relationship HONESTLY. Had I not been and been making a "secret stash" or giving him heck about past, maybe some of his mud would stick. And hey, guess one of the reasons he and his are trying as hard as they can to destroy me, financially and otherwise, is that they KNOW I am not stupid and never have been willing to tolerate abuse.

So, look at my "records" and I look irresponsible. Listen to my story and it's likely hard to follow. But stupis is likely untrue of any of us. In fact, if you ever visit bullyonline.org you will find this in regard to the general characteristics of the target:

Targets of bullying usually have these qualities:
competence (this stimulates envy in the less-than-competent bully)
intelligence and intellect
honesty and integrity (which bullies despise)
you're trustworthy, trusting, conscientious, loyal and dependable
a well-developed integrity which you're unwilling to compromise
sensitivity (this is a constellation of values to be cherished including empathy, concern for others, respect, tolerance etc)
slow to anger
difficulty saying no
tolerant
strong sense of honour
irrepressible, wanting to tackle and correct injustice wherever you see it
an inability to value oneself whilst attributing greater importance and validity to other people's opinions of oneself
low propensity to violence (ie you prefer to resolve conflict through dialogue rather than through violence or legal action)
a strong forgiving streak (which the bully exploits and manipulates to dissuade you from taking grievance and legal action)
a desire to always think well of others
being incorruptible, having high moral standards which you are unwilling to compromise
being unwilling to lower standards
a strong well-defined set of values which you are unwilling to compromise or abandon
a tendency to self-deprecation, indecisiveness, deference and approval seeking
low assertiveness
a need to feel valued
quick to apologise when accused, even if not guilty (this is a useful technique for defusing an aggressive customer or potential road rage incident)
a strong sense of fair play and a desire to always be reasonable

I am in the end a rational person and i don't believe in a pathology unaddressed and so I berate him for not addressing his pathology and instead using my dogs as a tool to continue a pathetic campaign against me. I have unfortunately made that clear again today, with contact with him - told him there is a reason I came into his life, that i am highly intelligent, compassionate, empathetic and wise. I broke down totally today and whilst he once said he would always be there for me, of course he was not and i know if he was it would be bad for me, but i want to break the war in a smart way so that in fact i have leadership with my dogs and i win him over, and yet you guys will tell me to have no contact whatsoever. I told him his pathology is sick and basic and now boring and that it has been going on for years with so many women and that in this case he chose the wrong woman because at all costs I will reclaim my dogs and am not interested in his ongoing abuse or any involvement from his new girlfriend and that perhaps it is time he considered change into a more emotionally intelligent space - if they can. I faltered yesterday and today, I contacted him on both these days, looking to converse with him about the dogs and to find some resolve between us - i hate the hate, and i hate the emptiness of the 13 years and his ignorance of it all, and his ability to block of what was important - we had dogs together, a parrot, shared the upbringing of his child, dinners, movies, laughter, all that as well as abuse and his manipulation and more - i confronted him on his manipulation and ongoing abuse with women and i perhaps stupidly wrote to the recent women who had written to him suggesting i was institutionalised and said to her don't ever fuck with me again, don't ever bring his interpretation of me or suggestions or beration of me into my life, or I will act. I am angry, because if i ended a relationship i would treat the other with a more heartfelt consideration and be available if need be, but i know i am defaulting and falling into the trap again.

Pendra, is there a Court action going on? I know children are often the hostages to control partners, but pets can be too.

I think it IS really hard when they are controlling you through your children, pets ... finances. Anything that FORCES you to be in contact. I know, I tried to have rational conversations for the longest time. It hit me when he stopped over one day and asked me AGAIN the same question he'd asked over and over and I'd already said, "No." I said it again and that was it; I wanted to ask a question and I could tell he wasn't about to have a conversation ... and the only thing that COULD happen from that point was "unhealthy" talking. So I just went in the house. I don't think I have talked with him since and wow ... that has been almost two years ago or something like. Yet I'm still "under thumb" because of finances, as he seeks to "have the last word." Funny, he always accused me of wanting that!

Hugs to you and I hope you can find at least some moments of peace inside.

pendra, what do you think is going to happen when you keep calling him and making contact? you are thinking he is going to respond like someone who is normal. he is a sociopath, therefore he is legally insane. he isnt going to stop the hate and just turn around and be friends with you. your thinking on the terms that you are dealing with a normal, kind compassionate person you are not in any way doing so. all your doing is showing him your vulnerabilities and weaknesses and he is going to use that against you to hurt you even more. if you were reading about sociopaths and narcissist you would start to understand the dynamics of what he truly is but it doesnt seem like you are doing that by the way you are describing the situation. its ok to want to take the good memories and remember those as you move on, but it seems like you are forgetting that this man also has beat you, humiliated you, he has disrespected you in the worst way possible and you think he is just going to stop and be friends. he is not your friend, he is mentally sick and he loves to hurt you and his goal is to destroy you. that makes him feel good, this guy has beat you physically over and over do you really think that it isnt very possible that he could kill you? you are letting him know how he can hurt you even more and keep you still under his control by telling him about how you feel about your dogs or anything for that matter. i really wish you would do more reading because that is the only way you are going to understand the depths of how sick he is and how he gets off on hurting you. he is not ever going to just stop the war as you say he is not kind and compassionate like you he is the total opposite. you are still allowing him to control you and maybe that is something you dont see but you are and untill you stop thinking of him as a normal person with normal feelings im afraid you are just going to go in circles if not backwards. please try to educate yourself on who and what he really is its the only way you are going to see that what your doing is exactly what he wants and expects you to do. so he can continue to abuse you.

Bella, I did it again today, and I don't know what is compelling me to do it, why I am being so stupid and self destructive. You guys have taught me to stay away and to learn that I am not dealing with a normal human being. After trying to meet him at the hotel I phoned him tonight and all he did was berate me whilst i remained absolutely silent, everything was my fault. He even went to the point of saying if you were abused by me why did you not get out, and I said because I believed your constant promises and thought it would change, and I had a sincere if mad love for you. And he said well its your problem you didn't get out, you could have left anytime and I said and you could have changed your tendency to abuse, and he said to me, please you are abusive, and you are harassing me, I don't love you and have no interest in reconciliation (and of course I would be mad to consider that) and I would like you to stop phoning me - stop emailing me, which I have been stupidly doing these last two days, I don't know what has got into me, but I suppose there is a serious rejection theme here that is going back to my past. I even pathetically asked when did you stop loving me simon and he said when you left two years ago, and i said i left because of the abuse and then you came back and offered me love again, and he said i only came back for the dogs and then you were in trouble so i felt compelled to offer you a roof over your head. He said I told a colleague today that i pay for your cellphone and he said to me are you out of your mind after what this woman has done to you, cut it off. He said my love ended for you when you had an affair with Steven Travis, which I never did, he lived in london and i spoke to him on Skype often and he taught me to start understanding that as a grown woman i was allowed intimacy and that abuse was not acceptable. I left him because he delivered yet more abuse and he says thats when it ended for me pendra - of course the point being i walked out on his control and will never be forgiven. I went as far as to say i was heartbroken and he said that is your problem pendra ,not mine, stop calling me and harassing me, i will put a restraining order against you. I was an absolute mess after the call, cried my heart out, because as said, of the rejection, discard, lack of being allowed a voice and instead his complete referral to how sick I am and how I am damaged and do damage and continue to. He said to me I assure you you will see your dogs again, but don't fuck with me, i will dictate the terms, and put the phone down. I have defaulted and relapsed totally, maybe i needed the tears to feel the grief of it all. I know now that I must must not contact him again and get back into that resolve i was in previously. What was I doing, am I absurd, waiting for him at a hotel for a meeting he didn't pitch at and then calling him to have him say to me so what do you fucking want pendra........I am broken again tonight and need to get back into a wiser state and a smarter state.

Pendra ,
ughh I so wish I had the magic answer for u as of how to get those dogs of youre back !, I know the exact feeling my best friend a women friend of mine passed away 3 yrs ago from bone and lung cancer and before she died she gave me her baby a pomeranian without my pooch I dont know , u talk about tears and my baby licks them right away, i know some may thinks that gross i used to but theres something about this dog shes pure white and shes precious she saved me some days ...I want that back for u also I do !!!!

I want u too some how be able to get youre dogs ... do u have papers i forget do u have papers on these dogs? in my state proff is all u need my state is real big on proff of ownership watch out the cops be all over youre Bu$$ but then again my state suxs in areas like restaing orders u must have kids or be married to get one with me and my ex were not married had no children together i tryed once .. ughh....

Pendra I feel youre pain and Im mad for u I wil say a prayer everyday that u get those dogs those babys of youres back hugs hang in there !!!!!

this is not about dogs. pendra i think your inflicting this pain upon yourself at this point. i am not trying to sound mean so dont hear me that way please. but i guess when you decide that enough abuse is enough you will stop this self destructive behavior. your letting simons words to you be facts and they are not. he didnt stop loving you two years ago pendra he never loved you from day one. the first time he beat you and you did nothing about it he knew how to make you think it was your fault and that you deserved it. and for some reason you still believe every thing that comes out of his mouth. he is a very sick abusive piece of shit, a disgrace to be called a man. he is garbage and for to listen to him and his words and put any truth or value to them is only keeping you in this state of blaming yourself for everything. i think that you need to get more help through counseling or some kind of therapy. continueing to go to him and call him when he is threatening to get a restraining order against you is completely self destructive. i think you are at a place where any attention from him is better than non and this is going to hurt you so much but we cant do anything to convince you to stop. you need help in understanding why you are subjecting yourself to so much abuse. im at a complete loss in how to help you and i think you are self destructing and it has me very worried. i think you should go to a place for battered women and ask for help. i dont know what its like there and if there is that kind of help or not. there has to be some where you can get some kind of assistance for counseling or therapy. you need to see yourself that you are just proving him right in saying your crazy because your behavior is only reinforcing what he is telling you and what others are going to see in you. i dont not believe you are crazy but i think your preception of what is true and what is a lie is so clouded right now and you cant seem to see the difference between the two. maybe you have been so abused for so long that it is going to take help from a professional to get through to you. i dont know. i am very worried about what you are doing to yourself and i dont know what to do to help you to help your self . what do you think about what i am saying to you? does any of this make any sense to you or not?

I think Bella has a point here yrs ago I went to an abusive shelter yrs and yrs ago. I was young yes look into that, Im pretty sure there avaialbiale in all states good idea Bella ! They are very helpful the one I was in was an actual house it was actually nice ...but Do not un any cercumstanes Penda tell him where u are if u go because he will start probloms ! plz check into that it was helpful to me yrs ago ...

Bella, you can be as harsh with me as you like and even give me a good kick up the ass because as said i have stupidly relapsed in the last few days and paid the price of pain, looked for something that is not there. I agree with you, not only is he using my dogs to continue to control and terrorise me but I am using my dogs for continued contact with him and an effort to get a response out of him, one that will lesson the hurt and shock I have been exposed to with this man. That said I do sincerely want them back and will go to all lengths in the future but i am not ready yet and don't have a home to put them into. I feel a mixture of fear and hatred towards him but I am also facing a family issue of rejection which is what I have become aware of, have insight on and that is why I am self destructing - this is not only about Simon - he is just the instrument and focus of an age old rejection with my mom and until i settle it, i will seek its continuance in simon, and i realise i am at risk. I don't need to go to a place for battered woman, i think part of my problem is that I have been in a guest house alone and had not telephone contact with anyone because I now have no friends, and not seen a soul in 10 days, . I am dealing with a centre called Cape Mental Health and have a social worker called Beth liaising with me and I have made contact with my old old therapist though he has not called me back. I know in the end I have been very successful at avoiding any contact with him but i think my recent loneliness and isolation led me back to contact with him and a disbelief that I no longer have any access to love from him - yet I know too it was never love, right from the beginning and that abuse is not love and that I have been taken for an absolute ride. I know as well that I am in an absolute fury and i have been stupidly putting that fury to email, to him and some connected to him, only to be entirely dismissed and ignored. I too have learnt in life that one does not always need to respond to something you receive on email or other. I can see the difference between abuse and normality as much as i am appearing not to as i dance with danger, i would never ever go back to him but i admit i am seeking some kind of control of him, or damage to him - seeking something i used to get which was an ability to reel him back in. I saw myself get out of bed for two solid days and go down to a hotel and have a bite and a drink and go to their reception and call him and say i am here for 45 minutes would you like to join me to discuss the dogs (again the dogs used as a fictions remain of our shattered relationship) and he did not arrive. I am mostly totally alone with no contact so i sat in the hotel lounge and watched people and the world and the door. i then returned home and in tears called him and said i waited 45 minutes and you did not come, you used to come - i could click my fingers, though after making the phone call to invite him I felt danger in my heart and know from experience how contact with him now will crack me apart. he said he did not get the message, and i stupidly asked him to meet me again and he said no he was busy - but i was relentless and called him again, left a message and said i will be back at the hotel and i will wait for you, and i went there and he did not come again - fact is he does not give a continental fuck about me, nothing about him would make him come now - thank god for the security of the universe. but i sat on my computer and wrote, at least in company and then i paid my bill and walked up the dark road to my guest house, alone and sad. My loneliness is my biggest danger now, because I dream of a mans arms around me and to be accepted and loved - and of course he cannot give that to me. everything about him is vicious now, his tone is dismissive, he talks about harassment and a restraining order and my abuse of him. he says if you were abused for 13 years why did you not get out, you had a chance to anytime - this is the first recognition of his abuse - but overall, he has no interest and respect in me and does not answer my calls, ask how i am, respond to anything about me at all, i am truly discarded and dispensed of and again, that echoes the rejection of my childhood. i told you i sat down and wrote about a very blocked off childhood (blocked off for 40 years) last friday and burnt in pain and anxiety after my words came out - i am getting to know how i could withstand the vibration of my life with this monster because it echoed the vibration of my family home, rejection, placing my needs aside, and a desperate seeking of love and approval. i have the insight into this. my task now is to recommit and to be absolutely sure i have no further contact with him, despite my recent relapse and breakdown into tears. i got a job today and next week will start working which will help me and avoid me being on my own so much. i can see many reasons for why i sustained a relationship with him. once earning a salary i can seek trauma help and i have been through a series of multiple traumas, whole family death, sister by drug overdose, best friend to cancer, losing my business, losing everything, losing the relationship, cancer myself, but somehow i keep going on and going on and getting up each morning, even if i know i have a slight drinking problem that i will have to look at but i know it is symptomatic. i start the new job next monday and i can contribute, and i am moving into a new home this week. i have cried my eyes out tonight but perhaps that is healing but it is also facing the absolute brutality and disgusting dismissal and sick ness of a person like this and the horror i allowed myself to spend 13 years with him, how i have lost cred and most of my friends through sharing too much but somehow how my soul insists i keep getting up in the morning. i do know the perception of what is true and clouded, i just walked right into the danger in the last few days, perhaps as a result of loneliness and wanting affirmation and following starting to write down my family story which i have blocked out for 40 years. i don't want self destruction and in the end i fucking hate him, he is a revolting prick who has no insight or intelligence, compassion or empathy and I hope he drops down dead.

Congrats on your new job! I hope it helps you financially as well as get your mind off your problems for awhile. When my hands and mind are idle, I find myself dwelling on negative things, which is not good for many reasons, Being more productive and positive thinking helps us heal. Keep us updated on the new job!