*this got really long. I just needed to tell the whole story finally. I hope someone makes it through the whole story*

I don't know where to start and if this gets long and confusing I'm sorry in advance. I haven't told ANYONE the full story only bits and pieces

I own my own business and have a bachelor's in behavioral sxiences, single mom to an almost 2 year old, recovering heroin addict, definitely codependent and pretty sure I'm dealing with someone who has some type of personality disordee

I've been hurt a lot in my life and I hurt a lot of people through lies and manipulation but nothing has hurt like this. I met "R" 6 months after splitting with my son's dad. He was everything I thought I wanted, at least on paper. Great job, smart, funny, had his own place and we'll spoken. We hit it off immediately. Within a few weeks he had met my son and told me he loved me. I knew that wasn't normal but my ex hadn't told me he loved me once in the 2 years we were together so I craved hearing it. About a month after we met he was laid off from a $130,000/year job (I know that part was real). Soon though his car was being repoed, he couldn't buy groceries or pay rent. He explained not having any savings because he had had a heart attack the previous year (at 36) and gone through his divorce. I didn't like that but I wanted it to be real so I kept going in the relationship. I didn't help him much financially yet except for some groceries here and there. He did get unemploynent but onceochild support came out it was maybe $950/month. Somewhsre around thisttine, he introduced me to crystal meth, as a recovering addict, i should have run. But I did a line with him, and soon it became something we did together once a week when my son went with his dad. Within 6 months of meeting  we were practically living together and engaged.  My son adored him, my parents liked him, his kids liked me so I suggested he move in with me while looking for a job to save $ and oh yeah let me loan you $4,000 to buy a car since yours was repossed and where we live there's no option but to drive. Let me just say that I have plenty of $ so $4,000 wasn't a huge deal to me and you know I loved him.

The day he was supposed to start moving his stuff was also the first day of his new job and 1 day after buying the car.. I got a call from "R" that he had wrecked the car on his way to work and was being arrested for a traffic warrant in a different county. I wasn't worried yet just asked for his password to email so I could let his new boss know. Coincidentally, my brother in law works at the jail Rob was taken to and called me to let me know that Rob had SIX driving on a suspended license charges with warrants plus was being charged with stolen license plates on his car and no insurance. I was crushed, I didn't know his license was suspended and without a license he couldn't have gotten plates or insurance. I went on a meth binge i was so upset. I took my son to my parents and for 48 hours I snorted meth, played detective and cried. I found several women he was texting, responses to Craigslist posts, an email where he used my CC to charge $500 and a few other lies. I was done not talking to him ever again, so I thought. Soon iichanged my thinkingto it twas just drug use causing him to do this and I felt guilty because I had cheated on him. I thought hey someone gave me a bunch of chances and I've been off heroin for 6 years maybe he just needs someone to believe in him. I wrote him a letter telling him I knew enough that I should leave him but I wasn't because I think he's a good person and needs a second chance.

He spent 2 weeks in jail and when he got out he moved right in.i should mention the $4,000 car was totaled and because he didn't get insurance like he told me he did we were out that $4,000 and I told him about my cheating. We stayed clean for a few weeks but then started using on the weekends again. And I am so ashamed to admit this but it soon became an almost daily thing. I hated myself for using when my son was in the house

Our relationship was good but I was getting frustrated because he wasn't doing basic adult things to make our lives better...finding a job, getting a lawyer, calling to set up appointments etc. So there was a little tension and I called him out on things now. But still a great relationship I thought.

This lasted about 6 months until we started really fighting. I asked him to leave because I was done doing drugs and didn't want my son around us fighting. He left, no problem and sent me a text saying he was 100% done. Surprisingly I didn't beg for him to not leave me. And 2 days later I got a long written apology from him. Within a week he was back in the house with the stipulation that I have control of his unemployment check and no drugs. I stayed clean, he didn't and 2 weeks ago I gave him an ultimatum either go to rehab or we couldn't be together. This was after learning he had continued to lie to me after coming home from jail. I was crushed when he left and a few hours larla the texts referencing suicide started. I couldn't deal with it and was so pissed that I never wanted to talk to him again. I told his brother what was going on and blocked "R". I unblocked him 3 days later and since then we have had limited contact. I found out even more lies he had told me. Yet he blames me for our relationship ending because I "treated him like shit and talked to him like he was nothing". I've been all over the place, from I hate this asshole to I love him and I can deal with it from crying in a fetal position on the kitchen floor for 3 hours to happy enough to spend a day with a girlfriend at the pool. I also remembered my psychology classes and looked up antisocial personality disorder. In my opinion, R hit every single bullet point. I text his mom asking if anyone had ever tjothou that about him and I get a shocking text back "well when he was 10 he was in the osyps ward for 2 weeks for an evaluation  and the doctor said he had some signs of narcissistic personality disorder but he was too young to diagnose with it". So now he had every bullet point including conduct disorder as a child and chikdhchi abuse. I  was doing good at limited contact until yesterday when he learned I had talked to his mom who he hates and sent me a text saying "you are dead to me". I lost it and begged him to talk to me. He refused but a few hours later I get a text saying I'm sorry for this morning, I love you but I don't know how to make this work" I was weak and said I loved him to. We talked a little bit and made plans to see each other today. I woke up a little more rational and cancelled our plans.

But I can't seem to let myself believe he's a sociopath or has some type of personality disorder. Either that or i don't care because I can not manage to go completely no contact. I don't know how I got here, I was trained in behavioral sciences, I used to be the master manipulator and liar how did I manage to keep staying in the relationship knowing he was lying and manipulating and got me back on drugs. Why as a successful business owner who owns a home and has overcome so much can I not walk away from this lying, basically homeless, unemployed man who doesn't have a single character traits I admire? I intellectually know it's because of trauma bonding and my codependency issues but I guess I don't want to believe it

Idk what I'm looking for in response. I guess opinions am I rational thinking it may be Sociopathy based on the info I told you. And how do you deal with the pain? How long is it going to kill me not gavhav contact with him. Help! I'm.drowning....