SURVIVORS OF SOCIOPATHS Community Group

A group where we support one another and share our experiences with each other about narcissistic relationships. a place to heal if you have been "touched" by a sociopath. there is hope. share your experience strength and hope here with others who have been where you are. together we help each other heal...

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On the merry go round again

BrendaLynn
BrendaLynn

5 years of this. Each time seems to be worse then the last. I am pretty deep into PTSD at the moment and so my brain can't process all of this yet. I knew he was a sociopath before I let him back into my life a year ago. In one years time he has left me 7 times. This time though he played the game REALLY well. And stayed for 6 months. Yet ended it by taking a trip to visit his mom in Vegas but really a trip with his ex. He planned his exit for awhile. I knew something was wrong for about a  month or two. So much I can say about this. But I just wanted to initiate contact with this group. Because my intention is not to have this happen again. I believe I can do it this time. I have gone 2 years at a time. But the type of relationship we had these last 6 months....this was such a deception. I can't ever open the door to him again. I will post again as I feel ready. I am not doing to much. I only leave the house when I have to. I am very depressed. My brain feels like I have been beat up. Who wants to keep feeling this way? But then without him I felt a hole. Even those 2 years. I would say that finally for a few months I felt good and over him. And then I contacted him. Yes me. I did. I started it all up again. He ofcourse had contacted me a few times during those 2 years and I ignored the call. But this time, I actually contacted him. I feel that I am in love with him. that he is the love of my life. That I don't want to live without him. That maybe dealing with this is better then never having him at all. And you know what? I might actually decide that is the case if it wasn't for one thing. How do I know what is real on his end? If any of it is? What if I am not loved at all by him and only used? I don't want to pretend. I would rather be with a man who comes into the relationship saying his true intentions no matter how ugly they are. And not to mirror you. But to be authentic. Even if their authentic self is ugly. But to be deceived every day. To be loved but not really. I can't do that. And  that is the only thing that would stop me from accepting that this is my life. Like I said I will post more later. I have to do a little at a time. As you see I am a bit of a writer so I have to pace myself. 

lovebombyourself
lovebombyourself
Everything you said is what I have felt. I am still healing. I went for a long time with no contact. I have felt like I will never have the feelings I had for him for anyone else. He made everything exciting and then ruined me. Please know that there are a lot of people that feel like you do. I am so angry. I want to have the last word. I can’t. I’ve had to yank myself out of everything to do with him. Thank you for having to courage to post this. I wish I could give you a huge hug and make it go away. I’m still in counseling. I still replay it all. My ptsd is insane. I really believe this will pass in time. I am so sorry you are hurting.
HopelessInlove
HopelessInlove
I hovered back to my narc last week, he saw me and just stare at me angrily. He doesnt want me anymore. I feel horrible. This week im controlling myself not to swing by his place. Feels very lonely.
PMB
PMB
When I feel tempted to let him back into my life, I look at a list of reasons I wrote down why he is not a good person to be involved with. The biggest reason is that most of what he said were lies. He was showing me myself and pretending it was him. You might say that, in a way, I fell in love with myself, not with him. I still don't know who he really is. I hang onto that when I feel lonely. I love myself; therefore I can love other people and be loved by them.
assembly
assembly
It all sounds familiar. Unfortunately I stayed with my sociopath/abuser until we had kids. Now the kids link us, and will be similarly mistreated by this man for their lives. Please leave the relationship BEFORE you get into this same state as me. That said - it is a daily struggle not to beg him to return.

I remind myself that I AM good enough for those who love me. Those who don't love me (ie sociopaths who only love themselves) will ALWAYS find me lacking.