SURVIVORS OF SOCIOPATHS Community Group
A group where we support one another and share our experiences with each other about narcissistic relationships. a place to heal if you have been "touched" by a sociopath. there is hope. share your experience strength and hope here with others who have been where you are. together we help each other heal...
Hi! I was reading Bella's message and I just wrote this in response to someone on the N board earlier. I was MISdiagnosed (partly thanks to the N and his mother providing MISinformation); I was even thrown into mental hospitals twice under false pretenses of homicidality, then suicidality (yes, he instigated) and there was one final one. I never had a clinically significant mental health problem before that three month span of time and I was never hospitalized since. However, I did not get diagnosed with PTSD until about 5 years after, and that despite taking numerous tests which contain scales useful for diagnostic purposes MMPI-2 and MCMI-III, for example). I was forced, by Court order, to take medication for a mental illness I didn't and never had and be tested for blood levels, as well. Got to pay for all of that ... :-( I have what is known as "toxic neuropathy" from sensitivity to St. John's wort, which I took after none of the umpteen prescription antidepressants did anything. That is likely to be permanent; when I think of the extreme pain I went through, just from hitting my finger or toes, like if someone stepped on my foot mildly or bank a door or cupboard door against them ... the pain would literally drop me for up to ten minutes, before I quit taking it. The feeling now is just weird: a "having a rubber band wrapped around my toe" feeling and others similar. But since I quit taking that herb about 7 years ago, it doesn't look like it's going to improve more than it has.
I spent much time in therapy etc because of the injuries (PTSD) I suffered as a result of three months of terrorization that occurred when he filed for divorce back in 98. I was severely dissociated for at least the first 5 years. I actually recovered pretty completely and was able to re-establish a career, but was forced to return because of (mostly legal) realities. He had custody of the children; I was not aware or informed by my attorney that he likely feared he might lose custody with more shenanigans, I was told I should "try to get along with him". And had I known then what I have learned since, I would never have left the children with him ... or before ... brought the children with me when I came to pick up some things so we could stay with friends .... when they were snatched and the real (and long) nightmare began.
I was reading the comments some of you made in regards to mental health and want to say that you really need to be "informed consumer". In therapy, often the "relationship" between therapist and client figures highly in recovery, so it needs to be a therapist with integrity as well as (good) knowledge). It can be difficult to find good therapy; I know that.
My personal belief is that medication can be of assistance sometimes; I wrote a paper on panic disorder for my psychology class and that was and still is my belief, especially in terms of "mental health" symptoms that produce bodily symptoms, since anxiety, for example, activates the body's "fight or flight (or freeze)" systems. Willpower has never enabled me to shut down those symptoms, but they do become much less activated or troublesome, the more I get chances to practice dealing with situations with more knowledge and response strategies. So I won't say: don't take medicine, but take it cautiously. I was placed on one early on that made me feel like I wanted to punch someone's lights out. If I hadn't been a nurse (and voracious reader) I might not have connected "feeling = pill". I quit taking it, cause it also produced feelings of electric shocks in my brain.
Support groups, too. I was going to one (in person) for nurses for quite a while. I think that may have been one of the first times I was exposed to others, who looked like they "had it all together" and learned they were struggling with many of the same issues. It was helpful for that, encouraging to see and hear the progress made, as well as hearing some people and being able to realize why they were stuck. Plus, a lot of being able to recognize it from my own life. And people had a really positive network, as people progressed, people (in an informal sponsoring sort of way) gave them position leads, references and so on. a few nights I'd go and be the only one there. I'd be really disappointed!
One thing that was of immense help to me though, and helped me to "reframe", too (a very useful therapeutic strategy) was some of the information I wrote here, and being able to directly relate it to my own life, which I have tried to communicate. Maybe some of this information can be helpful to people here. Especially Dabrowski, who is not well known in U.S. mental health. In fact, most of the time, his theory (of positive disintegration) is used in gifted education. But if you read some of it, you likely can see how sorely it IS needed and how useful it could be. There is no "magic pill" or way, as far as I know.
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I spent much time in therapy etc because of the injuries (PTSD) I suffered as a result of three months of terrorization that occurred when he filed for divorce back in 98. I was severely dissociated for at least the first 5 years. I actually recovered pretty completely and was able to re-establish a career, but was forced to return because of (mostly legal) realities. He had custody of the children; I was not aware or informed by my attorney that he likely feared he might lose custody with more shenanigans, I was told I should "try to get along with him". And had I known then what I have learned since, I would never have left the children with him ... or before ... brought the children with me when I came to pick up some things so we could stay with friends .... when they were snatched and the real (and long) nightmare began.
I was reading the comments some of you made in regards to mental health and want to say that you really need to be "informed consumer". In therapy, often the "relationship" between therapist and client figures highly in recovery, so it needs to be a therapist with integrity as well as (good) knowledge). It can be difficult to find good therapy; I know that.
My personal belief is that medication can be of assistance sometimes; I wrote a paper on panic disorder for my psychology class and that was and still is my belief, especially in terms of "mental health" symptoms that produce bodily symptoms, since anxiety, for example, activates the body's "fight or flight (or freeze)" systems. Willpower has never enabled me to shut down those symptoms, but they do become much less activated or troublesome, the more I get chances to practice dealing with situations with more knowledge and response strategies. So I won't say: don't take medicine, but take it cautiously. I was placed on one early on that made me feel like I wanted to punch someone's lights out. If I hadn't been a nurse (and voracious reader) I might not have connected "feeling = pill". I quit taking it, cause it also produced feelings of electric shocks in my brain.
Support groups, too. I was going to one (in person) for nurses for quite a while. I think that may have been one of the first times I was exposed to others, who looked like they "had it all together" and learned they were struggling with many of the same issues. It was helpful for that, encouraging to see and hear the progress made, as well as hearing some people and being able to realize why they were stuck. Plus, a lot of being able to recognize it from my own life. And people had a really positive network, as people progressed, people (in an informal sponsoring sort of way) gave them position leads, references and so on. a few nights I'd go and be the only one there. I'd be really disappointed!
One thing that was of immense help to me though, and helped me to "reframe", too (a very useful therapeutic strategy) was some of the information I wrote here, and being able to directly relate it to my own life, which I have tried to communicate. Maybe some of this information can be helpful to people here. Especially Dabrowski, who is not well known in U.S. mental health. In fact, most of the time, his theory (of positive disintegration) is used in gifted education. But if you read some of it, you likely can see how sorely it IS needed and how useful it could be. There is no "magic pill" or way, as far as I know.
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I went through that same thing of "losing my grip" but really, you are not "mental" I am pretty sure so much as you CAN'T keep IMAGE against the reality. What you are REALLY experiencing is cognitive/emotional dissonance ... not mental illness. It does make a person really uncomfortable and can make you feel "crazy". It's most likely, too ... I don't know if I can explain this well, but I will try:
When you met the N and "had a relationship" you also used certain "coping" or "defense mechanisms". Everyone has them and uses them. N's are KNOWN to use and be stuck at the level of what are called "immature" or "pathological" defense mechanisms ... these are often used in childhood, and at that time of life, they are not unhealthy.
There are four "levels":
Level I - pathological defences (psychotic denial, delusional projection)
Level II - immature defences (fantasy, projection, passive aggression, acting out)
Level III - neurotic defences (intellectualization, reaction formation, dissociation, displacement, repression)
Level IV - mature defences (humour, sublimation, suppression, altruism, anticipation)
You are likely still growing and maturing (surprise, surprise, but a pleasant one even if it doesn't feel pleasant right now). Basically, you were likely using at least one defense mechanism (maybe more) that were "farther down" the scale when you met and went through this "relationship".
Those aren't working for you anymore, and it's time to move up the scale a bit. But, just like a child being developmentally prepared to walk, they don't have the muscular strength (yet) or the complete "know how". I'm glad you mentioned your daughter, because I remember mine ... she would grunt, get upset and even scream in some anger or cry as she learned to pull herself up and then, finally, took those first tottering steps.
Your daughter likely had your encouragement and support, as well as you "preparing or maintaining" the environment so she never got seriously injured learning this new skill. Had you not done any of those, the likelihood is that she would have still learned. It might have been harder, more painful and she might have gotten a phobia or anxiety if she was injured while doing so ...
The main point being that you are NOT losing your grip or "going mental".
You would likely benefit from reading something on Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration. I know Wikipedia has a fairly easy to understand page on it. You likely WON'T find it in many therapist's offices, but it IS used a lot in gifted education, so checking any sites that deal with giftedness likely will also help you to realize that you are not "mental" at least not in a negative sense.
Main problem for you at this point is that you don't apparently have the resources THERE to point you in the right directions to help you in this growth process:
"Dbrowski observed that most people live their lives in a state of "primary or primitive integration" largely guided by biological impulses ("first factor") and/or by uncritical endorsement and adherence to social convention ("second factor"). He called this initial integration Level I. Dbrowski observed that at this level there is no true individual expression of the autonomous human self. Individual expression at Level I is influenced and constrained by the first two factors."
When you say you did this and now you are waiting for him to "repay" it does sound like you are sort of stuck for the moment in terms of finding alternative ways of being. It also sounds like, whether you are encouraging it or not, the area there (I know what the work situation has been, as you described it) ... it's likely you might come into contact with him, even if you are seriously doing "no contact".
I would encourage you to read the Wikipedia or other pages about both "defense mechanisms" and "Positive Disintegration (Dabrowski's theory) to get a better handle on what is likely going on INSIDE YOU. I'd also encourage you to post more, if you feel comfortable. If there are any support groups dealing with relationships or emotions, one of those might be helpful too. Just be careful and make sure the members are actually getting down the road. It really helped me, to see other people who "looked" like they "had it all together" struggling with some of the same issues I was; especially encouraging was the stories of progress/success from those further on the road. Just because you feel crazy ... heck, even if a doctor tells you you are and are in denial ... I proved it wrong! And most people who are "mental" in terms of losing their grip ... don't recognize the changes. THAT IS WHY people take the "instructions of God" or from neighborhood dogs (Son of Sam) and carry them out ... they don't feel like they are slipping!!
It might make you (and hey, anybody else here that wants to) smile at this little personal story:
You know how they usually take us into a special, separate class in school to tell us about "body differences" some time about fifth grade? Well, of course I went through that and learned about "that time of the month".
My father and stepmother separated and divorced before I went all through puberty and I was a voracious reader, especially on the human body. My breasts started to develop but it seemed I had these two sort of hard growths, because it sure didn't start like the end result. I was actually freaking out inside. I read something and realized I must have breast cancer. I went outside where my brothers and their guy friends were and proceeded to have my own personal breakdown, where I announced it to all these teenage boys ...
But that's what can happen when the body (or mind) is growing and you don't have the knowledge or environmental support to recognize or develop! I think you are on the way to actually being capable of more, being more mature and satisfied in life and leaving the N in the past forever, never to bother you or even be remembered at some point! Hugs, lots of them!