Well, I've found myself here because I've been trying to figure out my relationship. For a year I've been involved with a guy who I now think is a sociopath, but today I learned the term sexual narcissist and I am convinced that is him. I'm guessing there is some overlap. 

When I met him, I wasn't looking for a relationship. Years earlier, I'd been involved with a guy with borderline personality disorder and it nearly destroyed me. Made me very guarded about dating once I was able to move forward. Then I meet this guy, a friend of a friend, and after his pursuing me for some months, I let my walls down. He was charming. Very charismatic. Very into me. Told me how much he wanted to spend his life with me. I told him I wanted to move slowly, and would prefer a Friends with Benefits arrangement. No, that wasn't what he wanted. He wanted me. I was the girl of his dreams.

Well, it's kind of hard to not succumb to that level of charm. One thing I liked about him compared to my ex was that if there was ever any issue, he was calm about talking things out. Anything that seemed too good to be true, he had an easy and plausible answer for. So much so that the first time he abandoned me, when he came back, he was so sweet and charming and had these plausible so-much-crap-had-happened excuses that I forgave him. He smartened up for a while, then did the same thing again. When I would get upset or call and leave unhappy messages if I hadn't heard from him, he would call me back. Desperate to explain, make me feel good. The sex, needless to say, was amazing. Focused on my pleasure. I thought I'd hit the love lottery. 

Now, he told me that he'd been a player before but was a reformed one. Having learned the term sexual narcissist today, I can see more clearly that this is what he was because for him his ego and gratification is tied up in being the best lover. He said to me more than once that no one would ever be able to please me the way he does.

Anyway, it would seem so illogical for him to abandon me after what seemed to be perfection between us that he left me reeling and confused during his absences. I should have just dumped him. But these people have a way of catching you in their spell. He would come back, and I would always somehow be grateful. Somehow thinking I'd done something wrong to send him away. I can see now that perhaps he sensed some vulnerability in me after my experience with the borderline personality guy. With him, charm was his weapon and I wasn't prepared for such a liar.

I read something about sexual narcissists today that struck a chord. They can be violent when they don't get what they want. Suddenly I remembered an incident early in our relationship after he abandoned me the first time. We met to talk and when he apologized, he wanted sex. I didn't. He took my keys, wouldn't let me leave his car, and at one point when I tried to grab the keys he took my arm in his and said, "Do you know how easily I could break your arm?" He quickly apologized, said he was joking. It was like WTF? But yes, he got the sex he wanted. Even though I didn't really want to do it. Fast forward several months, and I've never since denied him sex again, and quite frankly I've enjoyed lots of it with him. But the disappearing acts started to become more frequent and they were more painful.

The confusion led to a lot of digging and I recently found out that he's married! I confronted him, he claims he's married in name only. Again, an easy answer. But what he's done lately now is see me, and then barely even correspond with me afterwards. Two weeks go by, and I think I'm never going to hear from him, then there he is dangling a carrot. Like a fool I go back. He owes me some money, and this weekend he offered to pay me. After two weeks of no contact. I should have just not responded. Instead, I saw him and had the best sex of my life. Left with no money because he "forgot" it. He promised he would be in touch, not ignore me again. And here I am a few days later with zero contact from him.

I know these guys do number on you, and I feel stupid for being trapped in his spell for so long. For believing his bs every time he comes back. I've dated other guys and been able to move past them when I realize they're jerks. But this one...I think the trick is that they fixate on you so much that you feel like absolutely everything is perfect and when they disappear you don't know what's going on. It's so hard to understand, you're left reeling. And when they come back, even though you know better, somehow you get sucked back in again. I'm going to try this time to avoid him, forget the cash, it's just not worth it. 3 days after the best sex of my life and I'm devastated and depressed. I don't know how I let him get so much power over me. All I know is that his charming act and amazing connection when we're together has affected me for too long.

I saw this bit about sexual narcissists on Psychology Today. The part about how these narcissists treat you when you're not having sex is key. I guess he knows I have always let him back into my life so he is now consistently neglecting me after sex. I'm not a stupid woman, quite successful, actually, but I know I seem like a fool. I know he will be calling again. I just pray I have the strength to do what I need to. 

Sign 7 that you're dealing with a sexual narcissist:  Treats You Poorly / Neglects You After Sex

Since the sexual narcissist uses you to satiate his or her own needs, he may disappear emotionally (if not physically) as soon as his gratification is met. You’re left hanging, perhaps feeling alone and empty, because little or no genuine intimacy was conveyed. There was love-making, but no real love. Then the sexual narcissist will contact you again the next time he wants his craving satisfied.

One key signal that distinguishes a sexual narcissist from someone who’s not is how he or she treats you when you’re not having sex.