SURVIVORS OF SOCIOPATHS Community Group
A group where we support one another and share our experiences with each other about narcissistic relationships. a place to heal if you have been "touched" by a sociopath. there is hope. share your experience strength and hope here with others who have been where you are. together we help each other heal...
I turned 50 today and spent the evening with the few friends I have left after my relationship and the mess I have become, three or four loving people or couples
In the last couple of days I have clung to this site by a tiny thread as the winds have tossed me backwards and forwards
Those who have followed my posts know I have gone to the extent of giving up my beloved sweet dogs to stop all contact with my ex - my SEEING who and what he is and REALISING how damaging for me he is has come in small doses
I have had the most horrendous last four years of my own life, lost my entire family, my business, everything, and then I was diagnosed with cancer and I am just four months clear, my hair is just growing back - in all these experiences I got up again each day and stood up again though millions of times I wanted to give up - I did this for my beloved dogs, and then my last decision to release him and his hold on me, his damage of me, was to let them go too, that was the hardest of all the times
Today I question so much, I have learnt about the sociopath mindset here on this site and yet I question one thing - being their total victim, how it is not in any way our doing, and as someone who takes responsibility for her part in things so I wonder if that can be true. There must be some aspect of me that was at play that put up with his disguise and abuse of me for 13 long years, yes I might have been deep in denial and he was an expert at his game, but my seeking of his love left right and centre must have something to do with my own seeking of love and my own lack of self worth, or self esteem or ability to handle self destruction.
Should we not look at ourselves too, to heal, not just regard ourselves as trapped in an emotional web by a sick monster? What in us needs to change to go further as we heal - I hear some of you talk about self care as in walks and exercise and know I certainly have no interest in that right now, instead I am trapped in sadness and immobility. But I feel I must look at me, what about me emotionally and deep down do I need to change or recognise, or work on, never mind walks and exercise - certainly self love, certainly my own tolerance of abuse, or my ability to have handled an environment of fear and emptiness, not everyone would stay, not every woman would even entertain the false charm of a sociopath, his initial hooking mechanism, something in their gut would repel them or see through it - how is it that some of us come out so wounded and others, like my friends tonight have stable healthy relationships even though of course behind closed doors they have their own problems.
Should we simply label ourselves as the victims, does that prevent or slow down our own empowerment and healing - yes we must see the damage done, but perhaps we need a long hard look at our own emotional make up too
I don't know, I just ask the question?
In the last couple of days I have clung to this site by a tiny thread as the winds have tossed me backwards and forwards
Those who have followed my posts know I have gone to the extent of giving up my beloved sweet dogs to stop all contact with my ex - my SEEING who and what he is and REALISING how damaging for me he is has come in small doses
I have had the most horrendous last four years of my own life, lost my entire family, my business, everything, and then I was diagnosed with cancer and I am just four months clear, my hair is just growing back - in all these experiences I got up again each day and stood up again though millions of times I wanted to give up - I did this for my beloved dogs, and then my last decision to release him and his hold on me, his damage of me, was to let them go too, that was the hardest of all the times
Today I question so much, I have learnt about the sociopath mindset here on this site and yet I question one thing - being their total victim, how it is not in any way our doing, and as someone who takes responsibility for her part in things so I wonder if that can be true. There must be some aspect of me that was at play that put up with his disguise and abuse of me for 13 long years, yes I might have been deep in denial and he was an expert at his game, but my seeking of his love left right and centre must have something to do with my own seeking of love and my own lack of self worth, or self esteem or ability to handle self destruction.
Should we not look at ourselves too, to heal, not just regard ourselves as trapped in an emotional web by a sick monster? What in us needs to change to go further as we heal - I hear some of you talk about self care as in walks and exercise and know I certainly have no interest in that right now, instead I am trapped in sadness and immobility. But I feel I must look at me, what about me emotionally and deep down do I need to change or recognise, or work on, never mind walks and exercise - certainly self love, certainly my own tolerance of abuse, or my ability to have handled an environment of fear and emptiness, not everyone would stay, not every woman would even entertain the false charm of a sociopath, his initial hooking mechanism, something in their gut would repel them or see through it - how is it that some of us come out so wounded and others, like my friends tonight have stable healthy relationships even though of course behind closed doors they have their own problems.
Should we simply label ourselves as the victims, does that prevent or slow down our own empowerment and healing - yes we must see the damage done, but perhaps we need a long hard look at our own emotional make up too
I don't know, I just ask the question?
spiritsprout
Happy Birthday, Pendra! There are a lot of posts here in Survivors of Sociopaths that go into deep detail, explaining all the questions you just asked. I recommend you start reading every post on this site that is relevant to your situation, and their are many. By informing yourself with all the links and articles shared on these posts, you will be educating yourself about personality disorders. By gaining this knowledge, it will be critical to your healing, and the awesome thing is that no one can ever take that knowledge from you. It takes time, and I hope you read everything you can find online as well. I'm always doing research about narcissism and sociopathy. This knowledge is the key to healing and regaining your strength.... and regaining your power. So read read read, dear girl! :)
spiritsprout
Pendra, stargone posted a great article that would be a good place to start, titled "The Psychopath: The Human Version of Heroin". Plus read about the stages of grief.... lots and lots of wonderful information. I hope you can soak all the knowledge in like a sponge. :) You will begin to feel much better when you understand more about these personality disorders.
shakyinside
Happy birthday and congratulations on surviving a very trying time. You are taking a huge step to recovery by examining yourself I believe. I have been going through this too, examining myself and my motives, needs and weaknesses and feel I am emerging stronger because of it. I also lost my friends, daughter and sanity but am starting to rebuild. Its really hard and painful at times but worth doing. Just treat yourself kindly, realise you are only human and worthy of self love and self compassion. And look forward to the next birthday, its going to be a lot better.
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