SURVIVORS OF SOCIOPATHS Community Group
A group where we support one another and share our experiences with each other about narcissistic relationships. a place to heal if you have been "touched" by a sociopath. there is hope. share your experience strength and hope here with others who have been where you are. together we help each other heal...
I left off that he kicked my office door in so I will start from there....as I said, after he did that I was afraid of him. I knew he had it in him but never knew he would get so angry at me (especially not just for notifying him i was going to lunch). I did not understand why he turned on me so bad. Even though he made life difficult for me and others at work and we would argue I did not think things were THAT serious. I figured we'd get over it and get back to talking again because we had a job to do. But apparently "annoying him for telling him I was going to lunch" was what set him off on a mission to get me, hurt me and destroy me.
I was devestated. I was scared. I was nervous. I was confused. I couldnt sleep or eat. I was in a fog. Didnt know if I was coming or going. I couldnt stop crying. He had some lame excuse when I asked why he did it. I could not believe the person I cared so much for could do this. Even when he was mean to me I would let it go because I thought we were buddies. He has his way of being nice and charming and thats what kept me forgiving and forgetting. Needless to say, I went to Corp HR. (I was afraid to go to the bosses because they were all his family)But I did not tell HR my name or everything that happened because I still cared about him. I didnt want him to loose his job. I was conflicted. He turned on me bad but then again when we got along we got along so good. He was nice and kind. Funny. Sweet. And I thought when he was angry, rude and acting out it was just becuase he was angry at the time even though he went to the extreme. Some people have an angry streak, rite? HR couldnt help me cuz I held back alot. Still holding on to the sweet guy I thought he was. I then decided to go to one of the bosses. I still didnt tell him everything because he was his family but I did open up more about things he had done and said, meanwhile he was still doing things to "get me" or "upset me". I saw his eyes turn black when he looked at me. I could feel his sneers as I walked by. I thought I even saw an evil in him I had never seen before.
The boss in turn offered me a lay-off. And I did not want it because I did not want to leave a job I gave so much of myself to. But going into work and hiding in my office too afraid to come out when he's around, crying while I'm there, stomach in knots wondering if he was going to come in and start with me or try to hurt me, waiting for him to leave the office to be able to get things done I needed outside of the office, shaking when I heard him come around is not a way to live. So I decided to take the lay-off.
He never explained why he did anything he did. He didnt care I was leaving. He didnt care that he was the reason why. From what I understand he was making excuses and blaming everything on me.
After I left still devestated and confused on what happened I realized it had quite the affect on me. I lost my confidence. I lost my self-esteem. I felt helpless and hopeless. I was still crying everyday. I was still scared. I even started to go over it all over and over wondering what "I" did that made him act that way towards me. I kinda missed him. Wanted to talk to him. Wanted to understand why and make it right again. Then I was upset with myself for feeling this way knowing he wasn't phased by it at all.
A few months later still upset by it all....I realized I was in a depression. Seemed like the world was over for me and I couldnt understand why I felt this way. One day I watched a show about "ASPD" Anti-social personality disorder and realized every trait that was described was him. I did some research and found he he has all the characteristics of a sociopath/psycopath. I finally got some answers to why this guy was the way he was which made me feel better A LITTLE. I was still depressed and felt too far gone to come back. Thoughts of suicide was daily.Now its a few months later and still alive and still not feeling like I want to be, I emailed him. I wanted to get some answers and understand why he turned on the one person who always accepted who he was. I felt like it was the only way I could go let go of all these negative feelings and start to heal. But that did not go well. He basically told me to go to hell. After I left HR figured out it was me who called them and he got in big trouble. That told me he blames everything on me and will never take responsibilty for what he has done.I did not reply to his email. I know when hes mad hes mad and you cant talk to him like that.
Anyway, even though I did not get the results/answers I thought I was owed it actually made me feel better. It told me he will never change. He is all about himself. I believe he is evil to the core. And I did get my closure because that email confirmed to me (instead of me wondering) that he is NOT worth all the heartache and pain I've been going through. I am feeling better though I still have to work on feeling like the strong girl I was. Now that I have the knowlegde of these types of people in the world I can spot it quick and run in the other direction...lol
Thanks again for listening. Feels good to let it out to people who have experienced it themselves.When I try to tell people who haven't experienced these types of people I feel like no one understands me or what I am going through so I hold back and shut up. No one wants to believe I saw his eyes turn black or felt and evil presence/ora around him.
It's so hard to work with a psychopath when you don't know what you're dealing with. Everything you've been taught about humanity and conflict resolution just doesn't apply to these people.
I went out with a psychopath at work so whilst the abuse stemmed from a romantic relationship, most of his attacks towards me happened in the office.
There is a surprisingly sparse discourse about ASPD in society given how prevalent the condition is. Even less so about the ways psychopaths can harm you outside of an intimate relationship.
Even recently someone very close to me said "well at least you didn't live with him" in a conversation where I was coming to terms with just how awful it had been for me to go work with my psychopath. As though I should be immune to brainwashing and manipulation in a professional setting.
Despair and depression are common reactions to suffering at the hands of an abuser, but with time, distance and education about abuse you will start to feel more human again.
I found a good antidote to my despair in the darkest times with my psychopaths was to join a group that sings pop songs together. I know it sounds cheesey, but I found I literally couldn't help but be joyful when I was singing along in a group. I always thought the key to my happiness lay in the approval of my psychopath but it turned out singing could give a better high without the abuse.
Good luck with your recovery. It sounds like you have a lot to process and your feelings may not be validated by the people around you. But there are so many people in the community that know what you have been through and that things can get better.
I think because I did not have romantic feelings for this person and just cared about him because I grew to, working side by side with him for 3 years, its getting easier to understand it was him not me. But I can totally understand and sympathize with those that had that kind of relationship with one how it would affect them. I went through a lot just from working with one. He had me fooled that he wasn't that bad more just "misunderstood" I guess you could say. But I fell for it. The whining that makes you feel bad. The eyes that stared at me sometimes and made me feel like he was genuine when he was being nice cuz he wanted something. About 3-4 months before all of it happened he was in big trouble for being really rude and disrespectful to a customer (swearing at them, yelling, and hung up on them) and I felt bad when he came to me with the puppy dog eyes and look thinking he was going to loose his job saying they spoke to him that way first (yup, their fault not his), he's not a child, F%@# them, who do they think they are talking to, blah, blah, blah, but still saying he didn't care if he did get in trouble, he didn't seem too nervous either. I didn't get it, but I (like a fool) told him I would stick up for him and say it didn't happen. I was a witness to the first conversation/argument they had but then I left. I found out the next day he had called them back after I left and argued with them more. I do not believe in upsetting a customer at all. It totally goes against who I am as an employee, everyone deserves respect, but I was still willing to stick up for him and lie so he didn't loose his job. He had a way of making me feel bad for him even though I knew he wasn't right. Employees would ask me what kind of mood he was in before they spoke with him, some would try to avoid him at all times, and I heard numerous times from different people he had to be bi-polar. A part of me knew he behave like the average normal person but I knew something wasn't right so I figured he was bi-polar too. Not knowing about ASPD at the time. One thing I did know about was a narcissist but that was only to the extent of knowing they are selfish. I called him that once and he said he knew he was and walked away. I get now these types of people do not like to be exposed to who/what they are.