SURVIVORS OF SOCIOPATHS Community Group
A group where we support one another and share our experiences with each other about narcissistic relationships. a place to heal if you have been "touched" by a sociopath. there is hope. share your experience strength and hope here with others who have been where you are. together we help each other heal...
Hey guys
I am living in a house share since leaving my ex, with six other people in the house that I am in. There is a musician, a sound engineer, a guy studying law and more. The musician is Irish about 57 years old and attractive in some ways.
My relationship and the fact I have not so much as been enjoyed as a woman or noticed or had any sexual relations with a man for 7 years (my ex was impotent - pardon being so personal) has made my entire womanly being feel neutral and dormant.
The musician guy in the house has a girlfriend - and I suppose I was stupid - I should know that being as raw as I am after only 3 months out of the relationship with my ex who is undoubtedly a sociopath, and his abuse, that I am so not ready for anything with anyone, never mind even trusting my judgement with female friends, or new friends. That I have to cocoon and heal as much as possible, work strongly on boundaries and keep sight of what I now know and am starting to trust my judgement on what is and is not appropriate or acceptable. I am also now able to see abuse and recognise it in its many different and even subtlest forms and in that second decide if I will allow it or not.
Point is feeling lonely, though he has a girlfriend (which is already inappropriate and against my morals), I let this Irishman into my personal life a little - to the point that I let him into my bed. I see it was stupid now but at the time to have someone enjoy me just a tiny bit, or to touch or hold me, was something I wanted. To be desired after such a long time, not to mention hopefully want sex even if I detach (again forgive me for being personal) - but no sex happened, instead it was quite uneventful except for some kissing and playing and arms around me at night. But in allowing this man into this personal space he began to feel he could knock on my door and come in and even just converse with me, as he did tonight, and I would let him in, I am lonely and the company is nice - he is intelligent and attractive etc
But tonight he came into my room to chat and he had been drinking, and during the chat which was not controversial, he out of the blue called me a cunt. My reaction was to say "did you just call me a cunt" and his answer was "yes". And in that instant I asked him to leave my room and realise now I will never let him back into it, even for a chat - that is abuse all over again and the very word my ex relentlessly used with me. I cannot allow it and of course all of us on this site know it is not acceptable, from anyone. To expose ourselves to even the tiniest amount of abuse, whether verbal or whatever, cannot happen, it is too damaging for us not to mention simply not acceptable, otherwise instead of healing and getting up stronger, we are returning to 'relationship' environments that contain abuse and we are too raw to handle that and whether raw or strong, should never ever again.
He left my room and I locked my door and he then stood knocking on it apologising and asking to come back in and I said absolutely not. I recognise too that I was stupid to get personal with a man who has a girlfriend and who I do not even know if I can trust and also because my own filters are not yet strong enough and my self esteem is low. I have to bear going through the loneliness of isolation as a woman in terms of physical contact or whatever until I am stronger, much much stronger. I wondered why he felt, another man, that he was entitled to use that word with me, or whether I had put out signals that he could, or if he is simply another wacko - someone the universe is bringing me AGAIN to see how I will react and how instantly. It took me 13 years to leave my ex and his abuse and it continues now through my dogs who he has claimed, but in this instant as I describe what happened with this Irishman, it took me one second. So I sent him away and he then walked around to the doors I have that lead to an outside patio and he went on and on abusing me using that word - you cunt, you are worthless (and this is after first saying sorry), no one likes you, you are a mess, etc - and then broke a pane of glass on my outside door. I just did nothing, I did not respond, knew the doors were locked and phoned my landlord, who was out, and told him this was happening. Then the Irishman went to bed or more likely passed out.
It was a horrible experience all over again and I felt scared and diminished and abused. Suddenly this man who plays the guitar and sings like an angel and who had been gentle with me was another monster. What I have to recognise immediately is that this is not just about lets say him waking tomorrow and saying sorry, if he does or if he even remembers, but instead its much more crucial and necessary that I cut off from him, and I see too that if he invited me to chat or asked for one, I should have gone to the lounge or patio with him and not allowed him into my bedroom in the first place, esp since he has a girlfriend and so is transgressing morals which is not something I want to do or be exposed to. How stupid have I been!!!! But I am not going to beat myself up about it, because I am proud that I acted in one second and sent him packing and did not react once to his ongoing shouting, the breaking of the glass to my door, or anything - but it has an effect.
Now I have to decide how to act with him going forward, from this second as I write. And I know that he has shown me a big SIGN as to what his actual character is and that after what I have been through with my ex there can be no forgiveness or second chances with him. I live with him (in a house share) so will have to be cordial and neutral and it will be difficult to avoid his company totally cos we have barbecues as the group in the house and come across each other. I know I have to utterly detach from him and not allow him into my personal space ever again, and i mean EVER AGAIN, no second chances. Never again into my bedroom for one second and nor any situations that develop any closeness with him on a conversational or other level. Be smart, and dont allow any manipulation from him to step in next.
How uncanny and I saw this with my last dreadful five years, not only re my ex - but in terms of other themes that came up and kept coming. I saw how the universe would keep them coming and repeat them with me until i GOT IT and stopped the pattern or the repetitive nature of the experience - until I MYSELF did, instead of blaming or being a victim - this has to be part of my healing and my establishment of boundaries that are rock solid right now, with not a dot of doubt in them.
I am proud of myself too for how I acted instantly, did not entertain one second after he used that ugly disgusting word and whilst he shouted how I was this that whatever and diminished me and undermined my character before breaking a pane of glass and telling me he was going to get me out of this house tomorrow, I did absolutely nothing - my doors were locked, my cats were on my bed, i remained in silence throughout his entire tirade, did not react. But as said, it still pushed my buttons, but that said, I am intact. I know now that it is not only ones response to the experience as it happens that is crucial, but how one strategises going forward with a person who has shown an abusive nature, and how smart I am going to be in that in terms of being self preserving and keeping myself safe - in every way, also emotionally. I know I cannot be exposed to this kind of thing after my 13 year experience with my ex and that it is not good for me, and that I must avoid it at all costs. So perhaps I am learning.
Any thoughts from you guys? What I did do was text this irishman and inform him that his using of that word with me was unacceptable and unforgiveable and that he is never to be personal with me on any level again - thats when he stood at the door and said sorry, but when I did not accept his sorry nor let him in again, which he begged me to do, he turned into a monster, and got worse and worst.
Holy shit, it is just unbelievable - but as said, I know I am just being faced with abuse again and have to look at my actions - how instead of cossetting myself, cocooning, definitely not allowing physical activity at this stage and without knowing the person well enough, knowing whether they were decent and trustworthy, I let him in. No more, not with another, and definitely not with him and from this moment on my bedroom will be my private space and my sanctuary and no one will come into it except a close girlfriend.
XX
I am living in a house share since leaving my ex, with six other people in the house that I am in. There is a musician, a sound engineer, a guy studying law and more. The musician is Irish about 57 years old and attractive in some ways.
My relationship and the fact I have not so much as been enjoyed as a woman or noticed or had any sexual relations with a man for 7 years (my ex was impotent - pardon being so personal) has made my entire womanly being feel neutral and dormant.
The musician guy in the house has a girlfriend - and I suppose I was stupid - I should know that being as raw as I am after only 3 months out of the relationship with my ex who is undoubtedly a sociopath, and his abuse, that I am so not ready for anything with anyone, never mind even trusting my judgement with female friends, or new friends. That I have to cocoon and heal as much as possible, work strongly on boundaries and keep sight of what I now know and am starting to trust my judgement on what is and is not appropriate or acceptable. I am also now able to see abuse and recognise it in its many different and even subtlest forms and in that second decide if I will allow it or not.
Point is feeling lonely, though he has a girlfriend (which is already inappropriate and against my morals), I let this Irishman into my personal life a little - to the point that I let him into my bed. I see it was stupid now but at the time to have someone enjoy me just a tiny bit, or to touch or hold me, was something I wanted. To be desired after such a long time, not to mention hopefully want sex even if I detach (again forgive me for being personal) - but no sex happened, instead it was quite uneventful except for some kissing and playing and arms around me at night. But in allowing this man into this personal space he began to feel he could knock on my door and come in and even just converse with me, as he did tonight, and I would let him in, I am lonely and the company is nice - he is intelligent and attractive etc
But tonight he came into my room to chat and he had been drinking, and during the chat which was not controversial, he out of the blue called me a cunt. My reaction was to say "did you just call me a cunt" and his answer was "yes". And in that instant I asked him to leave my room and realise now I will never let him back into it, even for a chat - that is abuse all over again and the very word my ex relentlessly used with me. I cannot allow it and of course all of us on this site know it is not acceptable, from anyone. To expose ourselves to even the tiniest amount of abuse, whether verbal or whatever, cannot happen, it is too damaging for us not to mention simply not acceptable, otherwise instead of healing and getting up stronger, we are returning to 'relationship' environments that contain abuse and we are too raw to handle that and whether raw or strong, should never ever again.
He left my room and I locked my door and he then stood knocking on it apologising and asking to come back in and I said absolutely not. I recognise too that I was stupid to get personal with a man who has a girlfriend and who I do not even know if I can trust and also because my own filters are not yet strong enough and my self esteem is low. I have to bear going through the loneliness of isolation as a woman in terms of physical contact or whatever until I am stronger, much much stronger. I wondered why he felt, another man, that he was entitled to use that word with me, or whether I had put out signals that he could, or if he is simply another wacko - someone the universe is bringing me AGAIN to see how I will react and how instantly. It took me 13 years to leave my ex and his abuse and it continues now through my dogs who he has claimed, but in this instant as I describe what happened with this Irishman, it took me one second. So I sent him away and he then walked around to the doors I have that lead to an outside patio and he went on and on abusing me using that word - you cunt, you are worthless (and this is after first saying sorry), no one likes you, you are a mess, etc - and then broke a pane of glass on my outside door. I just did nothing, I did not respond, knew the doors were locked and phoned my landlord, who was out, and told him this was happening. Then the Irishman went to bed or more likely passed out.
It was a horrible experience all over again and I felt scared and diminished and abused. Suddenly this man who plays the guitar and sings like an angel and who had been gentle with me was another monster. What I have to recognise immediately is that this is not just about lets say him waking tomorrow and saying sorry, if he does or if he even remembers, but instead its much more crucial and necessary that I cut off from him, and I see too that if he invited me to chat or asked for one, I should have gone to the lounge or patio with him and not allowed him into my bedroom in the first place, esp since he has a girlfriend and so is transgressing morals which is not something I want to do or be exposed to. How stupid have I been!!!! But I am not going to beat myself up about it, because I am proud that I acted in one second and sent him packing and did not react once to his ongoing shouting, the breaking of the glass to my door, or anything - but it has an effect.
Now I have to decide how to act with him going forward, from this second as I write. And I know that he has shown me a big SIGN as to what his actual character is and that after what I have been through with my ex there can be no forgiveness or second chances with him. I live with him (in a house share) so will have to be cordial and neutral and it will be difficult to avoid his company totally cos we have barbecues as the group in the house and come across each other. I know I have to utterly detach from him and not allow him into my personal space ever again, and i mean EVER AGAIN, no second chances. Never again into my bedroom for one second and nor any situations that develop any closeness with him on a conversational or other level. Be smart, and dont allow any manipulation from him to step in next.
How uncanny and I saw this with my last dreadful five years, not only re my ex - but in terms of other themes that came up and kept coming. I saw how the universe would keep them coming and repeat them with me until i GOT IT and stopped the pattern or the repetitive nature of the experience - until I MYSELF did, instead of blaming or being a victim - this has to be part of my healing and my establishment of boundaries that are rock solid right now, with not a dot of doubt in them.
I am proud of myself too for how I acted instantly, did not entertain one second after he used that ugly disgusting word and whilst he shouted how I was this that whatever and diminished me and undermined my character before breaking a pane of glass and telling me he was going to get me out of this house tomorrow, I did absolutely nothing - my doors were locked, my cats were on my bed, i remained in silence throughout his entire tirade, did not react. But as said, it still pushed my buttons, but that said, I am intact. I know now that it is not only ones response to the experience as it happens that is crucial, but how one strategises going forward with a person who has shown an abusive nature, and how smart I am going to be in that in terms of being self preserving and keeping myself safe - in every way, also emotionally. I know I cannot be exposed to this kind of thing after my 13 year experience with my ex and that it is not good for me, and that I must avoid it at all costs. So perhaps I am learning.
Any thoughts from you guys? What I did do was text this irishman and inform him that his using of that word with me was unacceptable and unforgiveable and that he is never to be personal with me on any level again - thats when he stood at the door and said sorry, but when I did not accept his sorry nor let him in again, which he begged me to do, he turned into a monster, and got worse and worst.
Holy shit, it is just unbelievable - but as said, I know I am just being faced with abuse again and have to look at my actions - how instead of cossetting myself, cocooning, definitely not allowing physical activity at this stage and without knowing the person well enough, knowing whether they were decent and trustworthy, I let him in. No more, not with another, and definitely not with him and from this moment on my bedroom will be my private space and my sanctuary and no one will come into it except a close girlfriend.
XX
dont even talk to this guy he is a jerk . you are better than that girl.