SURVIVORS OF SOCIOPATHS Community Group
A group where we support one another and share our experiences with each other about narcissistic relationships. a place to heal if you have been "touched" by a sociopath. there is hope. share your experience strength and hope here with others who have been where you are. together we help each other heal...
You guys have said to heal keep sharing and talking
Is it part of it all to feel like you are going mad - I have no understanding of this situation and how radical it is, and after so much abuse of course I doubt myself
When I finally decided to leave Simon, also at his insistent request that I do so, I moved in with an old schoolfriend, and someone who had been in my life for a very long time. I had only ever found her to be charming, warm, on my side and honest
And yet again I walked into a snake pit
Where are my filters, why don't I have any or do these people have such artful disguises that it is almost impossible to spot them, and so avoid them
All through this horrendous period, despite being in denial, and following repeated revolting situations, of course I have learned things
What worries me is how I always end up doubting myself - in pride I can say one thing, that I am prepared to take responsibility for my part in things, see it, own up to it, or say sorry, make amends, adjust my behaviour
But am I actually demented or do I distort the facts - am I causing this in my life, how do i avoid it happening again in the future, how on earth do I choose or allow new people into my life in the future, after this nightmare - how do I know they are safe, what certain steps can I take to protect myself.
I answer this question by learning to be more private, and to watch the signs and pay more attention to them, to believe I have seen something real as a warning, not dismiss it, act on it, even if ruthless - but why do I keep attracting it - yes we can call these people monsters but what about me is playing a part in all this, i cannot only take the stance of a victim, i made the choices
When i was offered the space to move in with this friend I felt a sign - that she and my ex (who I was still under the roof of) were also old friends, and that actually for me to move in with someone associated with him was pure stupidity. But I had not yet realised he was a sociopath, nor that I was dealing with something so radical, I still believed what i saw in a person was what I got, as I present myself - or do I? Am I sick?
My sign was that but I believe you can reason with people, as people can with me. I am highly intelligent and will hear people though I have not really heard anyone for many years as they illustrated to me that not only was I choosing to stay but that I was also overburdening them with my ongoing drama and story, I didnt hear how disinterested and tired they were becoming and kept sharing at a cost of friendships and my credibility. What I was actually doing was more and more making them think I was the sick fucked up one and that I was toxic. Now I know I cannot share this experience with anyone.......I end up the fall guy and they are sick to death of me.
I had another sign, and I have values in my life and values in friendships, things I will do and not do, or more recently accept or not. One is confidentiality and an awareness of what is appropriate or not - and yet I contradict myself - i say i know what is appropriate and yet I remained in the most inappropriate situation with my ex you can possibly imagine - so am I just all talk, a con artist myself?
For example, this same friend I chose to move in with was having regular conversations with Simon and then sharing their content with me and I was horrified to hear what he was sharing about me, and how damaging it was and how some of it was entirely untrue, blatant fabrication. Yes I could accept that from him but her sharing it with me, confused me - on the one hand I believed she was being loyal and caring about me, even when she would call me on something he said. But in effect, I don't have conversations with anyone and then share the information, and I instinctually believe it is inappropriate to have a friendship going with two partners in a relationship and allow conversation with the one about the other and then share it. Isn't the boundary to say to my ex I can't discuss Pendra with you Simon, it puts me in a conflict of interests, and then certainly not share it with me, because then she is also breaking his confidentiality too..........
But I believed I could reason so told her that I would move in with her on condition that she gave me absolute privacy, explained that the distance I got from Simon was essential and that I needed a safe haven to heal and move on. She readily agreed and promised and appeared to understand. I asked the same of him re her and he assured me privacy and that he would no longer involve her in our affairs, he swore on his sons life. So i believed I was safe and that I had their combined word. If I give my word I keep it. Or do I - I am doubting myself entirely, is that normal?
Within two weeks of moving in with her they both broke their word. The first time he phoned her i begged her not to take the call and reminded her of her word and she didn't, respected me. I had no intention of stopping their friendship, that was unrealistic and unacceptable of me, but my request had been to no longer discuss my and Simons affairs and to give me privacy. That was reasonable. Understandable. The call she agreed not to take was one involving our affairs, i knew because it followed me not taking a call of his. I had no idea then the extent at which he would present one face and show another or the level of disregard or almost no memory he had of making an agreement.
He then called the next night, and she took the call. She told me she will speak to him as often as she chose, about what she chose, whether me or our dogs, and that I was fucked up and pathetic. This was already following her showing me an entirely different side of her within two days of moving in with her, and her being abusive - and if anything, I now know abuse when i see it, and how subtle it can be, and the many forms it appears in. I realised even then I had moved from the frying pan into the fire, that this girl was not at all who she presented, and yet I thought give it some more time, handle it differently, be more private, perhaps she had a bad day, but she only got worse.
My involvement and mistake was I shouted at her to get off the phone to him, shouted through my window, and that was the end of that. She began a character assassination of me and a hatred towards me and total rejection of me that was beyond measure. One that resulted in her evicting me and me ending up back at Simon, because with no family, I had no one else to go to.
Following shouting at her, I apologised that I had lost my cool and tried to explain to her what it meant for me for her to keep her word. She asked me if i was mad and said she had never given me her word nor made any agreement with her and said I was paranoid. He also totally denied any agreement and said to me can't you make anything work pendra, you fuck everything up, could you not just have sucked it up so at last you are accepted by someone. NO!
I have a drink every evening, i never get drunk, maybe one or two drinks, and over the weekends - so did she. Within days I was referred to as an alcoholic. I went out to get cigarettes late one evening and closed the front door but did not lock it, and she dismantled the gate and did not let me in, and had me sleep in my car that night. She refused any apology and never once LIKE A NORMAL PERSON admitted her part in it, anything to do with an understanding of my feelings, any remembrance of my condition of moving in with her, nothing. She told me if I leave my room she will call the police. She called me a pathetic fucked up sick bipolar disgusting bitch - she said ok now I am going to make phone calls, people need to be warned about you - and when I said don't you dare speak to me like that Jane she said I will ensure you are known about Pendra, everything Simon has said is true. You are mentally unwell. Sitting on my bedroom couch in the aftermath of this with her, following my experience with Simon, in silence, not able to phone anyone because they were sick of me, get perspective or affirmation that the experience I was having was unacceptable and not normal was pure agony. I had to dig deep to find some aspect of myself that believed myself, believed that I was correct in knowing this was not normal, that I was not who she was saying I was, that my reality was not distorted, that I could get through this. This aspect of me was so tiny, I am sure you can understand, it was like desperately swimming through torrents of water to find some reality I related to.
Tonight she has written to me and debased me totally, spoken about me falling asleep with a cigarette in my hand, which absolutely never happened and never would, falling down stairs in a drunken stupor, never happened, being dangerous, wallowing in the fucked up mess of my life that i had caused, her pity for Simon, putting a restraining order against me, how everyone knows who I am, that my bedroom was a pit and a hovel, never - that I do not have an authentic honest bone in my body and am an absolute con and she cannot believe how I cannot see the truth, how permanently intoxicated I was, not true, how I just destruct everything. Again I feel sick and am desperately digging for that part of me that will say its ok Pendra, this is not normal, this did not happen - this person is sick, she has made a complete turnabout to the person she presented as, she is vicious and not stable - I begged her to forgive me for shouting, but the punishment she continued to send my way was incredible. I wrote a response, but then I realised that I MUST NOT RESPOND, you cannot reason with a person like this, why am I defending myself - there is not use, JUST DELETE. But I feel sick. Why did I experience this straight after Simon, what cesspool have I got myself involved in. How can things return to normality. How is this possible - for me she is another sociopath, her anger was something I have never encountered before - as was her control, immediately I saw her control as inappropriate. I feel scared of all this. What can I do. Am I sick, where have I gone wrong - is this me, is my reality sane??
The rejection and knock on effects and continuance of this is unbelievable - yes I am pulling in, being private, cutting these people out of my life, realising I should have acted on the sign, trusting I have values and that my reality is real, learning, trying to survive it, taking a deep breath, writing about it, but I am reeling, and lonely and questioning myself.
Is it part of it all to feel like you are going mad - I have no understanding of this situation and how radical it is, and after so much abuse of course I doubt myself
When I finally decided to leave Simon, also at his insistent request that I do so, I moved in with an old schoolfriend, and someone who had been in my life for a very long time. I had only ever found her to be charming, warm, on my side and honest
And yet again I walked into a snake pit
Where are my filters, why don't I have any or do these people have such artful disguises that it is almost impossible to spot them, and so avoid them
All through this horrendous period, despite being in denial, and following repeated revolting situations, of course I have learned things
What worries me is how I always end up doubting myself - in pride I can say one thing, that I am prepared to take responsibility for my part in things, see it, own up to it, or say sorry, make amends, adjust my behaviour
But am I actually demented or do I distort the facts - am I causing this in my life, how do i avoid it happening again in the future, how on earth do I choose or allow new people into my life in the future, after this nightmare - how do I know they are safe, what certain steps can I take to protect myself.
I answer this question by learning to be more private, and to watch the signs and pay more attention to them, to believe I have seen something real as a warning, not dismiss it, act on it, even if ruthless - but why do I keep attracting it - yes we can call these people monsters but what about me is playing a part in all this, i cannot only take the stance of a victim, i made the choices
When i was offered the space to move in with this friend I felt a sign - that she and my ex (who I was still under the roof of) were also old friends, and that actually for me to move in with someone associated with him was pure stupidity. But I had not yet realised he was a sociopath, nor that I was dealing with something so radical, I still believed what i saw in a person was what I got, as I present myself - or do I? Am I sick?
My sign was that but I believe you can reason with people, as people can with me. I am highly intelligent and will hear people though I have not really heard anyone for many years as they illustrated to me that not only was I choosing to stay but that I was also overburdening them with my ongoing drama and story, I didnt hear how disinterested and tired they were becoming and kept sharing at a cost of friendships and my credibility. What I was actually doing was more and more making them think I was the sick fucked up one and that I was toxic. Now I know I cannot share this experience with anyone.......I end up the fall guy and they are sick to death of me.
I had another sign, and I have values in my life and values in friendships, things I will do and not do, or more recently accept or not. One is confidentiality and an awareness of what is appropriate or not - and yet I contradict myself - i say i know what is appropriate and yet I remained in the most inappropriate situation with my ex you can possibly imagine - so am I just all talk, a con artist myself?
For example, this same friend I chose to move in with was having regular conversations with Simon and then sharing their content with me and I was horrified to hear what he was sharing about me, and how damaging it was and how some of it was entirely untrue, blatant fabrication. Yes I could accept that from him but her sharing it with me, confused me - on the one hand I believed she was being loyal and caring about me, even when she would call me on something he said. But in effect, I don't have conversations with anyone and then share the information, and I instinctually believe it is inappropriate to have a friendship going with two partners in a relationship and allow conversation with the one about the other and then share it. Isn't the boundary to say to my ex I can't discuss Pendra with you Simon, it puts me in a conflict of interests, and then certainly not share it with me, because then she is also breaking his confidentiality too..........
But I believed I could reason so told her that I would move in with her on condition that she gave me absolute privacy, explained that the distance I got from Simon was essential and that I needed a safe haven to heal and move on. She readily agreed and promised and appeared to understand. I asked the same of him re her and he assured me privacy and that he would no longer involve her in our affairs, he swore on his sons life. So i believed I was safe and that I had their combined word. If I give my word I keep it. Or do I - I am doubting myself entirely, is that normal?
Within two weeks of moving in with her they both broke their word. The first time he phoned her i begged her not to take the call and reminded her of her word and she didn't, respected me. I had no intention of stopping their friendship, that was unrealistic and unacceptable of me, but my request had been to no longer discuss my and Simons affairs and to give me privacy. That was reasonable. Understandable. The call she agreed not to take was one involving our affairs, i knew because it followed me not taking a call of his. I had no idea then the extent at which he would present one face and show another or the level of disregard or almost no memory he had of making an agreement.
He then called the next night, and she took the call. She told me she will speak to him as often as she chose, about what she chose, whether me or our dogs, and that I was fucked up and pathetic. This was already following her showing me an entirely different side of her within two days of moving in with her, and her being abusive - and if anything, I now know abuse when i see it, and how subtle it can be, and the many forms it appears in. I realised even then I had moved from the frying pan into the fire, that this girl was not at all who she presented, and yet I thought give it some more time, handle it differently, be more private, perhaps she had a bad day, but she only got worse.
My involvement and mistake was I shouted at her to get off the phone to him, shouted through my window, and that was the end of that. She began a character assassination of me and a hatred towards me and total rejection of me that was beyond measure. One that resulted in her evicting me and me ending up back at Simon, because with no family, I had no one else to go to.
Following shouting at her, I apologised that I had lost my cool and tried to explain to her what it meant for me for her to keep her word. She asked me if i was mad and said she had never given me her word nor made any agreement with her and said I was paranoid. He also totally denied any agreement and said to me can't you make anything work pendra, you fuck everything up, could you not just have sucked it up so at last you are accepted by someone. NO!
I have a drink every evening, i never get drunk, maybe one or two drinks, and over the weekends - so did she. Within days I was referred to as an alcoholic. I went out to get cigarettes late one evening and closed the front door but did not lock it, and she dismantled the gate and did not let me in, and had me sleep in my car that night. She refused any apology and never once LIKE A NORMAL PERSON admitted her part in it, anything to do with an understanding of my feelings, any remembrance of my condition of moving in with her, nothing. She told me if I leave my room she will call the police. She called me a pathetic fucked up sick bipolar disgusting bitch - she said ok now I am going to make phone calls, people need to be warned about you - and when I said don't you dare speak to me like that Jane she said I will ensure you are known about Pendra, everything Simon has said is true. You are mentally unwell. Sitting on my bedroom couch in the aftermath of this with her, following my experience with Simon, in silence, not able to phone anyone because they were sick of me, get perspective or affirmation that the experience I was having was unacceptable and not normal was pure agony. I had to dig deep to find some aspect of myself that believed myself, believed that I was correct in knowing this was not normal, that I was not who she was saying I was, that my reality was not distorted, that I could get through this. This aspect of me was so tiny, I am sure you can understand, it was like desperately swimming through torrents of water to find some reality I related to.
Tonight she has written to me and debased me totally, spoken about me falling asleep with a cigarette in my hand, which absolutely never happened and never would, falling down stairs in a drunken stupor, never happened, being dangerous, wallowing in the fucked up mess of my life that i had caused, her pity for Simon, putting a restraining order against me, how everyone knows who I am, that my bedroom was a pit and a hovel, never - that I do not have an authentic honest bone in my body and am an absolute con and she cannot believe how I cannot see the truth, how permanently intoxicated I was, not true, how I just destruct everything. Again I feel sick and am desperately digging for that part of me that will say its ok Pendra, this is not normal, this did not happen - this person is sick, she has made a complete turnabout to the person she presented as, she is vicious and not stable - I begged her to forgive me for shouting, but the punishment she continued to send my way was incredible. I wrote a response, but then I realised that I MUST NOT RESPOND, you cannot reason with a person like this, why am I defending myself - there is not use, JUST DELETE. But I feel sick. Why did I experience this straight after Simon, what cesspool have I got myself involved in. How can things return to normality. How is this possible - for me she is another sociopath, her anger was something I have never encountered before - as was her control, immediately I saw her control as inappropriate. I feel scared of all this. What can I do. Am I sick, where have I gone wrong - is this me, is my reality sane??
The rejection and knock on effects and continuance of this is unbelievable - yes I am pulling in, being private, cutting these people out of my life, realising I should have acted on the sign, trusting I have values and that my reality is real, learning, trying to survive it, taking a deep breath, writing about it, but I am reeling, and lonely and questioning myself.
For me, I'm sure I'm codependent, and I'm stubborn. I never want to give up on someone.... like my NH who is a lot like your ex. But now, after learning and understanding their mental disorders, and their abilities of manipulating us and playing mind games, their deception, their lying and cheating, I am looking at things much differently now. I take ownership for my faults and my mistakes, but I also can look at my NH and see his evil nature, his sickness, his abuse, and the end result.... is I'm a mess. So, Pendra, I do understand where you're coming from.
The advice I give is to love yourself, let yourself grieve this difficult chapter of your life, try to change your focus from the past to the future. It's hard as hell.... I'm living it, too. Recently, I had someone ask me what my "dream" is, and quite honestly my mind went blank. I used to have dreams, goals, and then my life changed. I've been so busy the last 2 1/2 decades being a caregiver for my family and NH, and even my extended family that I've literally forgotten what my 'dreams' are.
Pendra, you and I both need to find a way to leave our past behind, to accept it has been hell on earth, to realize we've been let down by our friends, and to change our outlook. I don't see it happening overnight for either of us. This kind of healing from such deep painful wounds are many times slow healing. All we can do is take one day at a time..... one minute at a time. Grieve until you don't want to grieve anymore. Continue educating ourselves about the personality disorders of our abusers, continue self reflecting on ourselves and then forgive ourselves for any mistakes we may have made, forgive ourselves for loving and trusting the men who have tried to destroy us, and who have used and abused us.
I'm almost 56, so I'm a bit older than you. I've been a stay at home mother, taking care of the secretarial portion of the business owned by me and my NH for 25 years from home, and now I have to find a job. I have to figure out a way to support myself, and it can be terrifying to get back out there into the work world - of the career people and find some kind of niche where I can be independent. But some way, somehow I'm going to try. I have a feeling you have some amazing talents career-wise, Pendra. You are ahead of me in that regard.
Focus on your abilities for right now, Pendra. Focus on what you can do, not what you can't do. I know how scary this all is, but I believe you have some fight left in you, my friend. I can sense strength within you. You can do this. And then you can move on to the next chapter in your life. And you have all of us here to lean on when you need to talk, to vent. Best of wishes for you and sending you a giant hug!
I would recommend if you can do it to move in with just yourself for a while. I needed to isolate myself to a large degree and live in a "cave" in order to calm down and not deal with people who stressed, judged me or who I was not sure of. Later, after feeling more resilient, I was able to venture out and socialize more. Strangely, I started life as an extrovert, but this whole N/P experience with multiple Ns and Ps has made me more of an introvert -- both more reclusive and living more intellectually inside myself. It is a way to allow yourself to recharge from all that has drained you and calm the swirl around you.
Getting back to that quote "Being lost is part of finding yourself...", I think it can be a point of origin, a kind of beginning or starting point to clearing our minds. To regaining our thoughts and controlling our pain, and that means we begin to regain our power. Our power to find ourselves, our old selves before our abusers. And when we regain our footing.... our strength, we will be much stronger because of all the knowledge and wisdom we have gained from our traumatic experiences.
Pendra, I know your footing is still shaky.... that feeling of shock and "what the hell is going on in my life??" will NOT be forever. Remind yourself that 'this too will pass'. You will find your inner strength again. Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself. Take life one day at a time, one breath at a time. You are not alone.
people can only listen to someone complain about there life for so long , when they see them continually going back to an abusive relationship they get to a point where they will back off they have to for there own sanity. dont try to convince anyone of what your doing anymore its time to be your own best friend and take care of yourself. show all those people you will take your life back and make it what it should be. its not easy but you can do it one day at a time. one minute at a time.